Post #2000!
(at the moment.)
Post #2000!
(at the moment.)
“I like rice. Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2,000 of something.”
This… I like.
I'm a news junkie, and for at least a week, the news in America has been all about 9/11, which is understandable.
I thought of this joke today...
I wonder how many Middle-Easterners have been treated poorly since 9/11/2001.
Thanks, Osama.
(Of course it's not completely Osama Bin Laden's fault, but it's just a joke.)
An old-time author, whose name I can’t remember, had a character in one of his books named Lispin’ Sam. He was a ne’er do well, but one day he saved a child from drowning. The town was grateful and wanted to have a celebration in his honor. It embarrassed Sam, and he told them; “Aw, don’t make tho much of it…it’s the firtht decent thing I done thinth I robbed a lawyer!”
xevious…it is an old Mitch Hedberg joke.
here is another:
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means… it’s dirty.
lots more:
Mitch Hedberg was a strange guy. REALLy strange. I wonder if his style of comedy would’ve survived if he lived on… I still wonder at times if Steven Wright still tries to start his house with the car keys.
Today I had some fun modifying an old Dr. Seuss book cover…
Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they’d each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy’s 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat……and nearly drowned!
Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother .
“Grandma,” he asked, “Tis me 18th birthday, so why can’t I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?”
Granny looked deeply into Paddy’s, troubled blue eyes and said, “Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fookin idiot!”.
^
When I was very young I thought I had a Japanese friend...... But it was just my imagine Asian.
On the top of Mt. Fuji, a Japanese asked the local wise man: "Master Akira, why do western men think that we Japanese all look alike?"
" I am not Master Akira."
in my research of Baubo/Iambe jokes, i have found none.
lots references to the jokes, but not one actual joke.
if you know of one, please post it.
Two sheep herders are flying the herd to a new farm. Suddenly, the engine fails and the plane begins to fall quickly to the ground.
“Quick! Grab a parachute and jump!,” said the first herder
“What about the sheep?”, said the second herder
“Screw the sheep!” the first herder replied
“Do you think we have time??”
Yes, it is funny. But I (am an Asian, too!) had to re-read the joke to figure out why the Chinese went out of the currency exchange shop and screamed the way he did.
I failed math so many times at school, I can’t even count.
If life gives you melons...you might be dyslexic.
My father has schizophrenia, but he’s good people.
Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.
Two wifi engineers got married. The reception was fantastic.
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says, ‘Uno, dos…” and poof! He disappeared without a tres.
I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
Our dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person so I can get a better girlfriend.”
I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo.
I was so poor growing up that if I wasn’t a boy I wouldn’t have had anything to play with.
“Isn’t it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.”
They say nothing’s impossible ..but I’ve been doing nothing all day long .
“Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.”
A T-800 terminator walks into a bar.
Bartender asks, “What’ll it be, bud?”.
T-800 replies, “Shots faw everybody.”
A man walks into a psychiatrist office wearing nothing but saran wrap .
The Psychiatrist look up at him and says . I can clearly see you’re nuts
A lady walks into a pet store
She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO The lady asks the pet shop owner, “Why so cheap?”
The owner says “This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things.”
The lady can’t pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway.
She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is “Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn’t bad looking.”
The lady finds it amusing. Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says “New babes in the house, business will be booming tonight.”
The girls are shocked but laugh it off. A few hours later the woman’s husband gets home and the bird says “Hey Jim.”