I failed math so many times at school, I can’t even count.
If life gives you melons...you might be dyslexic.
My father has schizophrenia, but he’s good people.
Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.
Two wifi engineers got married. The reception was fantastic.
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says, ‘Uno, dos…” and poof! He disappeared without a tres.
I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
Our dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person so I can get a better girlfriend.”
I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo.
I was so poor growing up that if I wasn’t a boy I wouldn’t have had anything to play with.
“Isn’t it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.”
They say nothing’s impossible ..but I’ve been doing nothing all day long .
“Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.”