The Daily Joke Thread

Off-topic Chatter
2428

2429

RC, Good one.
I used to love spooky campfire stories when out in the wilds.

A friend and I used to have an “outdoor club” that took kids, or anyone else, out for their first camping, rock climbing, canoeing etc. experience.

Around the camp fire my bud would tell the spooky tale.
I had a supply of stones in my area. When the tale was finishing and every eye was on the story teller.
I would pitch a stone way high off into the darkness.
So I could be sitting still when it came thumping down.

The noise would snap everyone’s attention. We could do this several times before anyone got wise.

One time we were doing this and everyone was giving me the stink eye sure that we were up to something.
Just then a puma gave a shriek (or whatever you call that sound) not all that far away. Man that is spooky noise.
Everybody and I mean everybody had every hair on their body standing at attention.
Big eyes all around the fire.

All the Best,
Jeff

2430

we did something similar….

1. hold flashlight under chin and pointed up while telling the ghost story.
2. periodically stop and ask: “did you hear that?” which lead to…
3. —spider sniffing—.

https://mdc.mo.gov/discover-nature/activities/big-backyard/spider-sniffing

2431

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.

Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.

Bye and bye, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest’s blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.

Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last.

Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.
Confronting the old priest he demanded, “Father! What happened?
All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile.
Now, thanks to you I’ve lost every cent of my savings - all of it!”.

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. “Son,” he said,
“That’s the problem with you Protestants, you can’t tell the difference between a blessing and the Last Rights.”

All the Best,
Jeff

2432

A man approaches a woman in a bar.
He says to her, excuse me but you remind me of my pinky toe!

She asks - Why? because I am so tiny and cute?

He says no, it’s because I’ll probably bang you on my coffee table later when I am drunk !

2433

:laughing: good one, Jeff!

2434

Are you ready for kids? Take the Test!

Mess Test:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Toy Test:
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Lego’s (you may substitute roofing tacks if you wish). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold and take off shoes. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

Grocery Store Test:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

Feeding Test:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Night Test:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00pm, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00am. Set alarm for 5:00am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Ingenuity Test:
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

Automobile Test:
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the CD player. Take a family-size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a rake along both side of the car. There, perfect!

Physical Test: (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Then remove the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won’t be wearing them for a while.

Physical Test: (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time

All the Best,
Jeff

2435

@jeff51:

I am not ready for kids, and never will be...

And that is why I got a vasectomy!

2436

I think this one is pretty epic, though it's not the funniest xkcd comic...

Greatest Scientist

"Ow! One of the petri dishes I left on the tower railing fell and hit me on the head! Hey, that gives me an idea..."

2437

You make up the joke, only rule is the punch line must be either;

Bitcoin
or
Tesla
or
Both

LOL

Somewhere P.T. Barnum is laughing his azz off.

2438

A fat man without legs and arms comes to the ninepins alley. “I’d like to bowl a round.”

2439

You will be able to buy an electric car with bitcoin but to run it you have to add quarters .

2440

A burglar enters a house and finds a parrot sitting on a rack in the lounge.
The parrot says: “Stop it and just leave. Jesus is watching you.”
The burglar ignores the parrot and continues looting around the room.
The parrot insists: “Stop it and just leave. Jesus is watching you.”
The burglar laughs “You are a very christian little bird”, while a giant guard dog approaches from behind the sofa, growling and baring its large pointed teeth.
“Jesus!”, he shouts in fear.
“I told you, Jesus is watching you…”

2441

A man walks into a psychiatrist office wearing nothing but Saran wrap.

The psychiatrist looks at him and says - I can clearly see your nuts !

2442

My wife asked me to get 6 cans of Sprite from the store.
I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up.

2443

A man comes to the bakery. “Good morning. 10 bread rolls, please.”
The blonde salesgirl whispers conspiratively: “At your position, I’d take only nine. That way you save money and can easily buy one more.”

2444

Reminds me of one…

A psychiatrist is going through the ward and checking the patients….

Room #1 is watching TV normally… “How are you doing today?”, “Quite well thanks, I love this show!” … Dr notes - Pt can be released in a week
Room #2 is finger painting…there’s paint everywhere…walls, curtains, ceiling… “How are you doing today?”, “Good, how do you like my painting?” … Dr notes - Pt might get released in a month

Room #3 is naked except for a bowl of nuts on his privates: … ” Erm…How are you doing today?“, ”I’m f’in nuts! I aint never gettin outta here!”

2445

The recent inflation and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element has been named “Governmentium”. Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take over four days to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration! This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.

It is also interesting to note that when catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium- an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

All the Best,
Jeff

2446

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what’s your problem?”
Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!”
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.

She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Harry: “9.”

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
Harry: “36.”

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.”

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions.”
The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”
Harry, after a moment: “Legs.”

Ms. Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: “Pockets.”

Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Harry: “Pants.”

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?”
Harry: “Coconut.”
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”
The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Harry replied, “Bubble gum.”

Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?”
Harry: “Shake hands.”
The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?”
Harry: “Firetruck.”

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
“Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last SEVEN QUESTIONS WRONG!!!

All the Best,
Jeff

2447

Love it.

Man, inflation is bad.

“How bad is it?”

It’s so bad, just today I got in the mail a pre-declined credit card.