The Daily Joke Thread

Off-topic Chatter
2445

The recent inflation and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element has been named “Governmentium”. Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take over four days to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration! This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.

It is also interesting to note that when catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium- an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

All the Best,
Jeff

2446

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what’s your problem?”
Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!”
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.

She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Harry: “9.”

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
Harry: “36.”

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.”

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions.”
The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”
Harry, after a moment: “Legs.”

Ms. Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: “Pockets.”

Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Harry: “Pants.”

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?”
Harry: “Coconut.”
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”
The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Harry replied, “Bubble gum.”

Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?”
Harry: “Shake hands.”
The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?”
Harry: “Firetruck.”

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
“Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last SEVEN QUESTIONS WRONG!!!

All the Best,
Jeff

2447

Love it.

Man, inflation is bad.

“How bad is it?”

It’s so bad, just today I got in the mail a pre-declined credit card.

2448

Sven and Olaf worked together in a Minnesota factory and both were laid off. Soooo.
So…dey went to the Unemployment Office togedder.

Asked his occupation, Olaf said,
“Panty Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto da ladies cotton panties.”

The clerk looked up Panty Stitcher.
Finding it classified as Unskilled Labor, she gave Olaf $300 a week in unemployment compensation.

Sven, when asked his occupation replied, “Diesel Fitter”.
The clerk looked up Diesel Fitter and it was classified as a skilled job.
So, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week in unemployment compensation.

When Olaf found this out, he was furious!
He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his benefits.
The clerk explained,
“Panty Stitchers are unskilled labor and Diesel Fitters are skilled labor.”

“Vat skill? yelled Olaf. ”I sew da elastic on da panties. Olaf puts dem over his head and says,
“Yah, — DIESEL FITTER”.

(If you don’t understand a word of this, then you’re not Swedish or from Minnesota!)

All the Best,
Jeff

2449
2450

You win the internet :laughing:

2451

I tried to tell two jokes yesterday. Guess which one bombed? Both.

See, the punch line is “both.” :wink:

2452

Did you hear about the website Jeff made for orphans?

It has no home page.

2453

Last week my wife asked me to hand her the lipstick.
I accidentally handed her a glue stick.
It’s been a whole week and she still isn’t talking to me.

2454

2455

Beta you say

2456

Like that one!

2457

The other day I childproofed my house.
.
It didn’t work. They still got back in.

2458

Someone stole my flashlight.
I’m not annoyed.
I’m delighted.

2459

Corporate Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.”
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?”

“It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says,
“Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time.
You may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
All the Best,
Jeff

2460

:+1:
Sneaky little devils…
All the Best,
Jeff

2461

A Woman was flying from Seattle to San Francisco.

Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way.
The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind.
The pilot noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said,
“Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?”
The blind lady replied, “No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs.”

Now Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!

The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.
People scattered.
They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

True story (or at least internet story true)…
Things aren’t always as they appear.
All the Best,
Jeff

2462

A cowboy from Texas stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain …
While sipping his beer, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter,
“What is that you just served?”
The waiter replied,
“Si senor, you have excellent taste!
Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull’s testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!”

The cowboy said,
“What the heck, bring me an order.”
The waiter replied,
“I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning.”
If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.’

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said,
“These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.”

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,
“Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.”

All the Best,
Jeff

2463

2464

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says,
“I’ll give each of you just one wish.”

“Me first! Me first!” says the admin. clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.”
Poof! She’s gone.

“Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.”
Poof! He’s gone.

“OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

All the Best,
Jeff