State trooper pulls over a car for failing to maintain its lane.
Driver gets out of the car.
Driver: I've got a glass eye.
Trooper: Which one?
Driver: Both!
[Credit due to video on YouTube which showed this clip from troopers dash cam]
I tried to play frisbee with the neighbor’s dog.
.
But he isn’t flat enough to fly far.
Three women were sitting on a park bench, quietly minding their own business.
My buddy gave his wife a “get better soon” card.
.
She isn’t sick, but he’s positive she could do better.
If you don’t want to get a terminal illness, stay out of the airport.
Patient: “Doc, I keep thinking that I’m a goat.”
Doctor: “Hmmm? And how long have you been having this feeling?”
Patient: “Ever since I was a kid!”
A couple is driving home saturday night.
Suddenly the woman on the front passenger seat says, “I don’t love you no more. I want to divorce”.
The husband is driving and doesn’t say a word.
She continues, “I’m gonna take the house, the dog, the car, the furniture.”
He begins pushing the gas pedal with countenance and without saying anything.
“I’m gonna take the boat, the bank account, the shares, your pension.”
The needle crosses 100.
“What’s up? Don’t you listen?”
With a smile of wisdom he is heading directly into a bridge pillar coming up.
“Did I forget something, something I’m not gonna have?”
“An air bag! I have one…”
A fully occupied air plane has to wait at line up for departure.
Cappy announces to passengers “Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, this is captain speaking. We are having a short delay here, but we are going to catch up en-route, so we’ll arrive in time, thanks and enjoy your flight. …[noise]… I’ll bang that blonde trolley dolly in the galley as soon as we’ve levelled off, your controls….”
The stewardess jumps off her seat and rushes to the cockpit door, intending to inform cappy of his little mishap.
An elderly woman shouts “Don’t rush it, we are still waiting for take off!”
A hunter on the mobile phone, calling emergency “hey, I’ve accidentally shot my friend, he is bleeding everywhere, moaning and suffering, we need an ambulance… but wait, he’s so silent now, I think he’s dead, oh my goodness I think he’s dead!”
“Calm down. First check your friend, make sure he’s really dead…”
“Ok. …[BAMM]… allrighty. He is really dead.”
Lab sign, yellow:
“DON’T LOOK INTO LASER WITH THE REMAINING EYE”
Famous last words:
“Is power turned off?…. ZOT”
“This pipeline has been emptied… BOOM”
“You wouldn’t dare this… BRACK”
“I’ve overhauled the brakes…. SCHRONK”
“These headlights are coming closer, aren’t…. FRATSCH”
“These mushrooms aren’t poisonous… BURRP”
“F@#k, I’ve forgotten the para…. CHRUTNZ”
….
So an elderly Italian man living alone in New Jersey wanted to plant his annual tomato garden,
but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year.
I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.
I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa.
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden.
That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you!
“Hey, why are you jumping up and down just now?”
“I took my meds, but I forgot to shake the bottle!”
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he come upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, “Are you ready to find Jesus?”
The drunk answers, “Yes, I am.”
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, “Brother, have you found Jesus?”
The drunk replies, “No, I haven’t found Jesus.”
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again,
“Have you found Jesus, my brother?”
The drunk again answers, “No, I haven’t found Jesus.”
By this time the preacher is at his wit’s end and dunks the drunk in the water again —-but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk,
“For the love of God, have you found Jesus?”
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and asks the preacher,
“Are you sure this is where he fell in?”
All the Best,
Jeff
That last one is so DAMN frustrating. We have fingerprint recognition, face ID and even retina scans, but they (the security freaks) ask for the most convoluted password.
(it helps to say this one out loud, or at least say it in your head….)
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
.
.
.
.
.
.
DECALFENATED!
Rodney Ds…
You know you’re ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.
I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn’t going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
I asked my wife, ‘On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?’
She said, ‘You know I’m no good at fractions.’
With my doctor, I don’t get no respect.
I told him I want a vasectomy.
He said with a face like mine, I don’t need one.
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years.
I didn’t want to interrupt her.
I told my wife the truth.
I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist.
Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
My wife had her driver’s test the other day.
She got 8 out of 10.
The other 2 guys jumped clear.
I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks.
The bartender asked me, “What’ll you have?”
I said, “Surprise me.”
He showed me a naked picture of my wife.
I tell you, with my doctor, I don’t get no respect.
I told him, “I’ve swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.”
He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
All the Best,
Jeff
my favorite RD:
My doctor told me to watch my drinking.
Now I drink in front of a mirror.
Rodney Dangerfield – non-stop motor mouth. Had me laughing so hard my sides hurt.
Even when they were wheeling him to the OR, was making cracks about the outcome (can’t quite recall the lines – but they prophesied).
You’ll be remembered long, Rod.