The Daily Joke Thread

Off-topic Chatter
2479

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he come upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, “Are you ready to find Jesus?”
The drunk answers, “Yes, I am.”

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, “Brother, have you found Jesus?”
The drunk replies, “No, I haven’t found Jesus.”

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again,
“Have you found Jesus, my brother?”
The drunk again answers, “No, I haven’t found Jesus.”

By this time the preacher is at his wit’s end and dunks the drunk in the water again —-but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk,
“For the love of God, have you found Jesus?”

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and asks the preacher,
“Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

All the Best,
Jeff

2480

2481

That last one is so DAMN frustrating. We have fingerprint recognition, face ID and even retina scans, but they (the security freaks) ask for the most convoluted password.

2482

(it helps to say this one out loud, or at least say it in your head….)

What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
.
.
.
.
.
.
DECALFENATED!

2483

Rodney Ds…
You know you’re ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn’t going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I asked my wife, ‘On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?’
She said, ‘You know I’m no good at fractions.’

With my doctor, I don’t get no respect.
I told him I want a vasectomy.
He said with a face like mine, I don’t need one.

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years.
I didn’t want to interrupt her.

I told my wife the truth.
I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist.
Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

My wife had her driver’s test the other day.
She got 8 out of 10.
The other 2 guys jumped clear.

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks.
The bartender asked me, “What’ll you have?”
I said, “Surprise me.”
He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

I tell you, with my doctor, I don’t get no respect.
I told him, “I’ve swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.”
He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

All the Best,
Jeff

2484

my favorite RD:

My doctor told me to watch my drinking.
Now I drink in front of a mirror.

2485

Rodney Dangerfield – non-stop motor mouth. Had me laughing so hard my sides hurt.

Even when they were wheeling him to the OR, was making cracks about the outcome (can’t quite recall the lines – but they prophesied).

You’ll be remembered long, Rod.

2486

BTS is one of my fave comedy flicks. Rodney totally rocked it.

2487

Here’s one Jeff could probably relate to:

When the office photocopies began to look faint, the office manager called in a local repair service.
The friendly technician after inspecting the equipment informed the manager that the machine was in need of a good cleaning. The tech suggested that someone might try reading the operator’s manual and perform the job themselves since it would cost $100 if he did the work.
Pleasantly surprised by his candour, the office manager asks “Does your boss know you are discouraging business?”
“Actually, my boss demands we explain this to all our customers”.
“After people try first to fix things themselves, we end up making much more money on repairs”.

2488

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.

He says “The female dormitory is prohibited for all male students, and the male dormitory is prohibited for the female students”.
Continuing further, he says “Anyone caught breaking this rule would be fined $50 the first time”.
“Anyone caught breaking this rule the second time would be fined $100”.
“Being caught the third time would incur a hefty fine of $200”.
“Are there any questions?”

At this, a male student in the crowd inquired “How much for a season pass?”

2489

Oh yes Sidney,
$90 an hour for on site repairs.
$120 an hour if you fixed it first…
All the Best,
Jeff

2490

You forgot a couple;
$150 an hour if you watch while I fix it
$180 an hour if you watch and ask me questions

:slight_smile:

2491

:smiling_imp:
I had one guy ask me to teach him how to fix systems.
I was nearly too dumbfounded to come up with an answer.
I mean he wanted me to hire him then teach him 20 years of experience.
So then he could go out on his own.
Takes all kinds…
All the Best,
Jeff

2492

Wellp, he could go out on his own… in 20yrs.

2493

Not knowing his disposition (arrogant or naive), he did entertain some fellowship. I had to endure some assigned idiot without any mechanical or security concepts and was told he was to be my helper – ‘teach him the ropes’. Left me dangling in a nacelle (boom lift) some 25’ up as he took off for his lunch break.

I did manage to climb down and what followed was no joke.

2494

Did you pump up his feet so he had to fly head-down, home to the shitpile he was born in?

2495

Adam, in a coffee bar he suddenly encounters his old friend Joe from long times past.
They’ve lost contact to each other long before social network apps came up.
As they chatted on this and everything, they found out they were nearly neigours, living just two blocks apart.
Joe invided Adam to visit his place and explained to him:
“I live in the fourth floor, appartment 34.
Just type the code 344 into the door lock keypad with your nose.
Then use your foot to open the door, The elevator can be called using the elbow to press the button.
Again use your nose to type in number four.
Once you reach the fourth floor, exit the elevator, turn ninety degrees left and walk carefully on until you hit the door.
You may as well use your foot to knock and I will open ASAP.”
Adam was puzzled about the detailed description how he had to operate items on his way to Joe’s place, but he decided to precisely take notes, just in case.
After a bit of ongoing chatting, Adam could not hold back:
“Joe, there’s something I need to know. Why do have to I follow such a precise procedure to visit your place?”

“Well, after such a long time we had not seen each other, you will not come with bare hands, will you?”

2496

Proxy Variable

"Our work has produced great answers. Now someone just needs to figure out which questions they go with."
2497

A man comes home in the evening, tired from a whole day of hard work.
As he unlocks and opens the front door he finds the hallway and the stairwell in pitch-black darkness. The light does not work.
No, not again a power blackout, he thinks. Without electricity even the elevator will not work and he lives on the eighth floor.
Really pissed and exhausted he tows himself up the stairs, always with one hand at the handrail to have at least a bit of orientation in the darkness.
As he reaches the eighth floor, he hears a cute little voice: “I’ll do you a blow-job for a cigarette.”
Surprised and overwhelmed by the offer, he thinks this could only be the sweet nymphomaniac next door he always had an eye on.
“Ok.”
They fumble out the the thing in the darkness and do the work.
A very hot one.
After they finished, he takes a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and hands it over towards the invisible.
“Do you have fire.”
“Sure.”
As he starts the lighter, he recognizes the face of his teenage daughter.
“What?”,
he yells, obviously surprised and rageous,
“You smoke?”

2498

This one is more interesting/weird than funny...

Omnitaur

"My parents were both omnitaurs, which is how I got interested in recombination," said the normal human.