BTS was surprisingly good. While RD was tops in Caddyshack, I didn’t think he had the acting chops to pull off BTS. But he did a terrific job. And Sam Kinison was a pleasant surprise. Of course, the whole yelling thing in his comedy act was beginning to get overplayed, but here it fit in so well. Kinison is such a sad story. He was evolving his act and was arguably at a new peak when he was tragically killed by a 17 year old drunk driver. Kinison… was not wearing a seatbelt. His wife survived and based on the impact, Sam likely would’ve made it had he been wearing a seatbelt in his ’89 Pontiac Turbo Trans Am.
What is really dangerous?
Sneezing with diarrhea.
Wife: “Do these jeans make me fat?”
Husband: “Don’t know. I wouldn’t eat them.”
this one made me smile during lunch today….
It’s difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato.
—Lewis Grizzard
I used to visit my grandparents to read Lewis in the Atlanta Constitution (my family didn’t subscribe) when I was a kid.
— Lewis Grizzard
1911A Dog’s Diary
7am - Oh Boy! Breakfast! My favorite!
9am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
10am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!
11am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
Noon - Oh Boy! A nap! My favorite!
1pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!
3pm - Oh Boy! Animal Planet! My favorite!
4pm - Oh Boy! Dinner! My favorite!
5pm - Oh Boy! Grandma! My favorite!
7pm - Oh Boy! Playing with my “teddy”! My favorite!
9pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in Daddy’s bed! My favorite!
A Cat’s Diary
Day 183 of my captivity…
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, is the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair; must try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and commented about what a good little kitty I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was because of my power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously an idiot. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only
a matter of time…
All the Best,
Jeff
Police Response Time.
A supposed true story…
George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked,
“Is someone in your house?” and he said no.
Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said,
“Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
“Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed.
Well, you don’t have to worry about them now cause I’ve just shot them all.” Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence.
Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George:
“I thought you said that you’d shot them!”
George said,
“I thought you said there was nobody available!”
All the Best,
Jeff
To avoid being charged yourself for a false 911 call, simply record them on video.
“I thought you said you shot them!”
“I did… on video.”
FBI reveals items found in trumps safe during the Mara logo raid .
I can't believe it took them this long to let us see what they were really looking for .
Sculder & Mully! 
What a relief, they didn’t find his secret stash of cheeseburgers!
Are you suggesting he is playing “hide the burger” with his backdoor fridge?
Age Milestone Privileges
If you reach 122, you get complete unrevertible editorial control over Jeanne Calment's Wikipedia article.
By any chance is the “God-Empress” named Hillary? 
Maybe her name is Melania? 
The age of 25 renting a car reminded me of this gag:
1999 Toyota Corolla - Fine AF
I think mine was more humorous. :partying_face:
I really don’t care, do U?
Since this is the joke thread, yeah I really do!
But hey, like one old fella told me, “all a steer can do is try.” 