The Daily Joke Thread

Ah , the separate post punchline . Excellent .

Threw me for a second when the punchline wasn’t delivered. Then I scrolled down just a tad. :slight_smile:

Holmes and Watson are out camping in the Scottish Highlands. After a full and satisfying day of trekking they settle down for a well earned night's sleep. From the depths of his slumber Holmes suddenly wakes.

Holmes: "Watson. Wake up at once!"

Watson: "I say Holmes! I was having the most marvellous dream..."

Holmes: "Never mind that now, Watson. Tell me what you see."

Watson: "Really, Holmes! What the deuce is this all about?"

Holmes: "Just tell me what you see."

Watson: "Well, lying here, looking up, I see a velvet sky, black, beautiful. I see constellations. I see a universe of infinite wonder. Am I right, Holmes?"

Holmes: "Watson, you fool. Someone has stolen the tent!"

Well we've picked on blonds a bunch, how about we pick on lawyers?

Disorder in the Courts


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shi++ing me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
____________________________________________

And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and pract

The nurse comes into the doctors office and says to the doctor .."There's a man in the waiting room who thinks he's invisible ".....The doctor replies ... " tell him I can't see him ".

Then there was the man who showed up at the psychiatrist's office wearing nothing at all, but completely wrapped in cellophane from head to toe.

The psychiatrist took one look at him and said...

"Well, I can see your nuts"

This is a true story

A bloke was kicked off an Australian Reality TV show (Masterchef) for cheating. When asked what is was like to be in "lockdown" 24 hrs a day without being able to watch TV, read newspapers or phone loved ones he said:

"Its like prison but without sex".

WTF. That cracked me up and I have not forgotten it.

A man is lying back in the dentist's chair preparing for some dental work. As the dentist leans towards him, drill at the ready, the patient reaches out and firmly grasps the dentist's testicles. He looks the dentist straight in the eye and say "We're not going to hurt each other, are we?".

Hear the one about the baby fur seal that walked into a club?

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre

A man walks into the doctor's office.

Doctor : What can I do for you, Sir?

Man: Well, I don't seem to have many friends.

Doctor: Why is that, do you think?

Man: I'm asking you, you ugly, bald four-eyed s%$&!

A CPF Moderator, probably................. ...............

Here's a joke that's 16 years old...

What's healthier for you in the morning, coffee or OJ?

If you guessed coffee, you're right, because OJ will kill you.


A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world" The woman says, "I'll miss you."

If inappropriate, let me know and I'll delete...


3 guys walk into a bar
The first guy says "I have got the smallest arm in the world"
The second guy "I have the smallest head in the world"
The third guy "I have got the smallest wiener in the world"
The 3 guys go to the Guinness World Records
The first guy comes back and says "I really do have the smallest arm in the world"
The second guy comes back and says "Amazing, I do have the smallest head in the world"
The third guy comes back angry " Who the heck is JUSTIN BEIBER?

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..

They get back to his place,

And as he shows her around his apartment.

She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them.

And she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf,

And huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and after awhile, she finds herself thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips

He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds,

And he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom

Where they rip off each other’s clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion,

More creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy,

They are lying there together in the afterglow.


The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her,

Strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes,

And says:


'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

My life is a joke kinda goes like this

Knock, Knock.

Whose there?

Me

Who is is me?

Knock, Knock.

What? It's me open up

At this point I dun know who this is

Knock knock..

gimmie a minute... I am getting decent.

Your tool bag is your friend(hammer)

Knock, Knock...

Are you decent yEt?

yep opening now (long pause) one sec.

WTF. you are crazy.

Stop knocking on my door.

Tools rule. I know its not a joke, but it happens

Have you ever wondered how a woman's brain works?
Well....it's finally explained here in one, easy-to-understand illustration:
B

Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something
That needs to be done, a decision or a problem that needs to be solved.

A man has only 2 balls and they take up all his thought

MY LAST TRIP TO SAM'S

Yesterday I was at my local SAM'S buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Wally, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had - an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

SAM'S won't let me shop there anymore.