A man is lying back in the dentist's chair preparing for some dental work. As the dentist leans towards him, drill at the ready, the patient reaches out and firmly grasps the dentist's testicles. He looks the dentist straight in the eye and say "We're not going to hurt each other, are we?".
Hear the one about the baby fur seal that walked into a club?
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre
A man walks into the doctor's office.
Doctor : What can I do for you, Sir?
Man: Well, I don't seem to have many friends.
Doctor: Why is that, do you think?
Man: I'm asking you, you ugly, bald four-eyed s%$&!
A CPF Moderator, probably.................
...............
Here's a joke that's 16 years old...
What's healthier for you in the morning, coffee or OJ?
If you guessed coffee, you're right, because OJ will kill you.
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world" The woman says, "I'll miss you."
If inappropriate, let me know and I'll delete...
3 guys walk into a bar
The first guy says "I have got the smallest arm in the world"
The second guy "I have the smallest head in the world"
The third guy "I have got the smallest wiener in the world"
The 3 guys go to the Guinness World Records
The first guy comes back and says "I really do have the smallest arm in the world"
The second guy comes back and says "Amazing, I do have the smallest head in the world"
The third guy comes back angry " Who the heck is JUSTIN BEIBER?
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..
They get back to his place,
And as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them.
And she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf,
And huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and after awhile, she finds herself thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds,
And he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom
Where they rip off each other’s clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion,
More creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
They are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her,
Strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes,
And says:
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'
My life is a joke kinda goes like this
Knock, Knock.
Whose there?
Me
Who is is me?
Knock, Knock.
What? It's me open up
At this point I dun know who this is
Knock knock..
gimmie a minute... I am getting decent.
Your tool bag is your friend(hammer)
Knock, Knock...
Are you decent yEt?
yep opening now (long pause) one sec.
WTF. you are crazy.
Stop knocking on my door.
Tools rule. I know its not a joke, but it happens
Have you ever wondered how a woman's brain works?
Well....it's finally explained here in one, easy-to-understand illustration:
B
Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something
That needs to be done, a decision or a problem that needs to be solved.
A man has only 2 balls and they take up all his thought
MY LAST TRIP TO SAM'S
Yesterday I was at my local SAM'S buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Wally, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had - an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
SAM'S won't let me shop there anymore.
LOLOLOLOL.
That's good JohnnyMac
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."
"The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did"
Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he???"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth: "And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora...... The gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"
That's quite the impulse.
What ! Hilarious !!
What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?
Full...
Cowboy condom purchase...
Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS, PLEASE.
Cashier: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT, SIR?
Cowboy: NAH... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!!
My wife thinks I'm financially naive and gullible. I bet she changes her tune when she finds out I've won the Nigerian lottery.