The Daily Joke Thread

LOL !!! Great first post. Welcome to BLF.

If your an American in the kitchen & an American in bedroom,

What are your in the bathroom?

Euro-pee-an!

Actually it's written European...

My wife threatened to leave me yesterday just because I didn't open the car/automobile door for her.

I told her, "I just panicked and swam to the surface."


The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby
English will be the official language of the European Union rather
than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the
negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling
had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan
that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this
will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be
dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and
keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".. This will make words like
fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the
horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it
should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl
riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find
it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum
tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in
ze forst plas.

This is mythical and deep. Truly beautiful...

Five Horses Is Her Name.

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.
He replied, "She is called Five Horses".


The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?"


The Old Indian answered,
"It old Indian Name. It mean...



NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!

A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man's penis off. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple was a man and his 9-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off.

Surprised, the daughter asked her father, 'Daddy, what the heck was that?'

Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, 'It....it was only a bug, Honey.'

The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said..

'Sure had a big penis, didn't it?'

Dude reading this hurts!

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch tv. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?' He said, 'I found the remote'.

"Fill it with water" joke. Yeah, you've probably read this one before...

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama bin Ladin and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state."
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
Uncle Sam (a former civil engineer) asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out-virtually impenetrable."
Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."

This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, ‘You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?’
‘What dear,’ she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

‘I think you're bad luck.....'

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years.

On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her.

On doing this she lets out a sigh.

The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.

The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan.

From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.

The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.

The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked !"

Husband #11

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me. Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method. Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it. Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was..... God I miss him. But now that I've married you, I'm so excited."
“Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?"
“You're with the GOVERNMENT! This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"

The resession has hit everybody really hard

The recession has hit everybody really hard... My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries. CEO's are now playing miniature golf. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced. I saw a Mormon with only one wife. If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them...

Funny Jokes...good way to get the day started! Here's a bad personal ad.

Zoo Question

You are on a Horse, galloping at a constant speed.

On your right side is a sharp drop off,

And on your left side is an Elephant traveling at the same speed as
you.

Directly in front of you is a galloping Kangaroo and your horse is
unable to overtake it.

Behind you is a Lion running at the same speed as you and the
Kangaroo.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous
situation?

See answer below.


Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!" The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "
Thank you very much. That was wonderful but LISTEN VERY, VERY closely....."

"A R E – M Y – T E S T – R E S U L T S – B A C K?”

http://budgetlightforum.com/node/5321

+1 LOL