The Daily Joke Thread

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch tv. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?' He said, 'I found the remote'.

"Fill it with water" joke. Yeah, you've probably read this one before...

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama bin Ladin and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state."
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
Uncle Sam (a former civil engineer) asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out-virtually impenetrable."
Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."

This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, ‘You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?’
‘What dear,’ she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

‘I think you're bad luck.....'

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years.

On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her.

On doing this she lets out a sigh.

The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.

The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan.

From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.

The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.

The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked !"

Husband #11

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me. Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method. Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it. Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was..... God I miss him. But now that I've married you, I'm so excited."
“Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?"
“You're with the GOVERNMENT! This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"

The resession has hit everybody really hard

The recession has hit everybody really hard... My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries. CEO's are now playing miniature golf. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced. I saw a Mormon with only one wife. If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them...

Funny Jokes...good way to get the day started! Here's a bad personal ad.

Zoo Question

You are on a Horse, galloping at a constant speed.

On your right side is a sharp drop off,

And on your left side is an Elephant traveling at the same speed as
you.

Directly in front of you is a galloping Kangaroo and your horse is
unable to overtake it.

Behind you is a Lion running at the same speed as you and the
Kangaroo.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous
situation?

See answer below.


Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!" The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "
Thank you very much. That was wonderful but LISTEN VERY, VERY closely....."

"A R E – M Y – T E S T – R E S U L T S – B A C K?”

http://budgetlightforum.com/node/5321

+1 LOL

A blonde and a brunette were riding in an elevator.

The blonde decided to try to be friendly. She looked at the brunette and, with a big smile, said "T.G.I.F.!"

The brunette looked at her for a couple of seconds and then replied "S.H.I.T."

The blonde was taken aback for a minute or so, but then tried again. With her perkiest smile she repeated "T.G.I.F!!"

The brunette again replied "S.H.I.T"

The blonde thought for a minute and realized that the brunette might not be familiar with the expression. So in her friendliest tone she said,
"T.G.I.F. - Thank Goodness It's Friday! Get it?"

The brunette looked back and calmly stated:

"S.H.I.T. - Sorry Honey, It's Thursday!"

Seems a guy cruises thru a stop sign, and gets pulled over by a local
policeman.
Guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his
concealed
carry permit.

"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CHL permit. Are you carrying
today?"

"Yes, I am."

"Well then, better tell me what you got."

Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket. There's a
9mm semi-auto
in the glove box. And, I've got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."

"Okay," the cop says. "Anything else?"

"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a 12 gage shotgun. That's
about it."

"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"

"Nope."

"Well then, what are you afraid of...?"

"Not a damn thing..."

For those that don't understand Ohm's Law, this is funny and true:

A lady walks into a tattoo parlor, and she asks the artist "Can do a realistic likeness of my 2 favorite boxers, Mohamed Ali and Mike Tyson, one on each thigh?".

He says, "Sure, and I'll bet you the cost of the tattoo that you will recognize them when I'm done!" She agrees.

After the tattoo is done the artist stands back and says "See lady, they are almost like photo's." Looking down she says "No way, I can't even tell who they are and I know who they are supposed to be!" Astounded, the artist says "Well, we don't agree, so lets ask someone off the street and if he can tell who they are, if he can, you pay me." She agrees once again.

So the artist goes out and brings a guy in and asks, "Can you tell me who those guys are?

So the fellow stares and stares a bit, scratching his chin, trying to figure it out.

Finally he says, "Well, I don't know who the guy on the left or the right are, but the one in the middle is Don King!"

Since this is the joke thread.............

Wait For It..........

...........DinoDirect............





A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes
home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes
home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in
your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to
bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came
home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he
didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"


1 Thank

Lol this fits the quote you have at the bottom of your posts.

Coincidence I swear :)