+1 LOL
A blonde and a brunette were riding in an elevator.
The blonde decided to try to be friendly. She looked at the brunette and, with a big smile, said "T.G.I.F.!"
The brunette looked at her for a couple of seconds and then replied "S.H.I.T."
The blonde was taken aback for a minute or so, but then tried again. With her perkiest smile she repeated "T.G.I.F!!"
The brunette again replied "S.H.I.T"
The blonde thought for a minute and realized that the brunette might not be familiar with the expression. So in her friendliest tone she said, "T.G.I.F. - Thank Goodness It's Friday! Get it?"
The brunette looked back and calmly stated:
"S.H.I.T. - Sorry Honey, It's Thursday!"
Seems a guy cruises thru a stop sign, and gets pulled over by a local
policeman.
Guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his
concealed
carry permit.
"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CHL permit. Are you carrying
today?"
"Yes, I am."
"Well then, better tell me what you got."
Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket. There's a
9mm semi-auto
in the glove box. And, I've got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."
"Okay," the cop says. "Anything else?"
"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a 12 gage shotgun. That's
about it."
"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"
"Nope."
"Well then, what are you afraid of...?"
"Not a damn thing..."
For those that don't understand Ohm's Law, this is funny and true:
A lady walks into a tattoo parlor, and she asks the artist "Can do a realistic likeness of my 2 favorite boxers, Mohamed Ali and Mike Tyson, one on each thigh?".
He says, "Sure, and I'll bet you the cost of the tattoo that you will recognize them when I'm done!" She agrees.
After the tattoo is done the artist stands back and says "See lady, they are almost like photo's." Looking down she says "No way, I can't even tell who they are and I know who they are supposed to be!" Astounded, the artist says "Well, we don't agree, so lets ask someone off the street and if he can tell who they are, if he can, you pay me." She agrees once again.
So the artist goes out and brings a guy in and asks, "Can you tell me who those guys are?
So the fellow stares and stares a bit, scratching his chin, trying to figure it out.
Finally he says, "Well, I don't know who the guy on the left or the right are, but the one in the middle is Don King!"
Since this is the joke thread.............
Wait For It..........
...........DinoDirect............
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes
home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes
home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in
your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to
bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came
home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he
didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
1 Thank
Lol this fits the quote you have at the bottom of your posts.
Coincidence I swear :)
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"
"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third sucking the cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
What do Quasar TVs and women have in common?
*They both have their works in a drawer*
Sweetheart,
I am sorry about getting into an argument about putting up the Christmas lights.
I guess that sometimes I feel like you are pushing me too hard when you want something.
I realize that I was wrong and I'm apologizing for being such a hard-headed guy.
All I want is for you to be happy and be able to enjoy the holiday season.
Nothing brightens the Christmas spirit like Christmas lights!
I took the time to hang the lights for you today and now I'll be off to the golf course.
Again, I am very sorry for the way I acted yesterday.
I'll be home later.
Love you!
Awww I can't see the pic...
edit: LOL I see it now. I should do that hehe.
WHO IS JACK SCHITT
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd,
and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd,
and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.
And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with !
when I was a kid I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
II went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. ....I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
I told him I think my wife has V.D. he gave himself a shot of penicillin
Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to ..." get off the couch."
Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I met a girl ...she was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.
My wifes cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen to watch the roaches hang themselves.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the library the sign says "shut the f..k up"!
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying.
My wife's not to smart. I told her our kids were spoiled. she said, "all kids smell that way".
Yesterday I bought a flashlight ....Today I get no respect
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.
A blonde went to the doctor, as she was feeling queasy and nauseous.
The doctor ran some tests, and later called her to tell her she was pregnant.
The blonde said, "Are you sure it's mine?"
How do you get a blonde to marry you ?
Tell her she's pregnant .
*A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman---*
*He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.*
*The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'*
*'No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it...'*
*The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?* *'What's so special about it?'*
*The cowboy explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.' *
*The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'*
*Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'*
*The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'*
*The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, 'Damn thing's an hour fast.' *
The Vanilla pudding Robbery
This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which
appeared in The Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at
disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers,
who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash &
valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout
the bank.
The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they
found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.
As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, 'At
least we'll have a bit to eat.'
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but
vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened..
They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold.
Instead, all the safes contained covered little bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing
more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline
read:
'IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING'....