I got ten “Stellar CR123 1400 PTC” batteries for $7.83 and they tossed in a flashlight for an additional $41.27. And I thought, not bad for a noob, until the inquisition began.
I became a noob member of Budgetlightforum.com. No pie was thrown. There was no flood of dark sarcasm. Boos, flames & hissing were missing. It seemed like a step in the right direction. The next step was to get the Solarforce. But a funny thing happened on the way from the forum. It could pass for an epiphany, but half-lit noobs and epiphanies are considered mutually exclusive.
I had just placed the order; an eavesdropper noticed that I canceled the Solarforce and selected another brand. The myopic eavesdropper failed to notice the big picture, which included more than just the substitute flashlight. An authority was notified without my cognizance.
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InTERRORgator – Why, in the name of ancient flame, did you pay $41.27 for a flashlight?
Limelight – I’m an LED flashlight, lithium, li-ion noob…apprentice. The proprietor plainly stated that CR123 batteries can cost over $4.00 each. So, I got $40.00 worth of batteries for $7.83, which means that I only paid $9.10 for the flashlight.
InTERRORgator – If you explained that with a Venn diagram, it would look a lot like a circle –slash with CPF in the center. Your rationale is symptomatic of CPF flashoholism.
Limelight – But I’m a noob apprentice – not even knowledgeable enough to be a noob. I didn’t even own an LED flashlight. A couple of old Mag lights and an Underwater Kinetics light, bought way back last century, were all I had. The fact remains that I got a LED flashlight and ten CR123 batteries for less than $50.00!
InTERRORgator – Don’t counsel me on the facts of your pathetic case! You were directed to acquire a Solarforce L2M and a few batteries – nothing else! A proprietor hoodwinked you into buying a bunch of bogus batteries and an EagleTac. How, in the name of the Brotherhood of Bugetarians, did that happen?
Limelight – At least it wasn’t a Streamlight, or a Pelicanadian. I didn’t have to cough up a lung for a Malcough, or hand out a kidney for a McQuizmo-gi$mo. No bone marrow was bartered for a Haiku. I didn’t have to keep an eye out for a Peak. No blood was donated to a vampire for Surefire! I survived a gauntlet of Zombie sales force – not bad for a noob apprentice.
At another establishment, the SOLARFORCE 2009 L2M was $31.97, including a smooth replacement for the snaggletooth bezel, excluding the 18650 extension for optimum versatility. For less than ten dollars more, I got an “EagleTac T100C2 MKII Cree S2 425 Lumen (emitter) LED Flashlight.” SOLARFORCE &/or their authorized dealers are experiencing creeping price inflation!
InTERRORgator – “For less than…dollars more” is more circle-slash CPF slick talk. You noob, don’t you realize that you paid 33% more for the EagleTac than you would have for the SOLARFORCE? Additionally, there is a thread just for you: “What are your favorite lights below $8 ?” https://budgetlightforum.com/t/-/3656 And the bezel is crenulated, not snaggletooth!
What do you know about Stellar batteries?
Limelight – The proprietor claimed that Stellar was a “great alternative.”
InTERRORgator – Your el-cheapo, potentially lethal lithium battery has no officially recognized pedigree? Where are your expert witnesses and your barrister, Q.C.?
Limelight – Hey Stellar! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S1A0p0F_iH8
InTERRORgator – I pity you. You’re borderline incompetent to be interrogated. For all you know, you bought ten chunks of lead for your LED. You should be sentenced. Nothing short of the total reorganization of your junk DNA could possibly rehabilitate your moronic state of being; that’s putting it as charitably as possible. Immersion in a pool of Cherenkov light is the only remedy; it will either terminate or facilitate your return to sane society. How do you plead?
Limelight – “Independent tests have shown Stellar CR123A batteries excel in higher drain devices.”
InTERRORgator – Produce the tests. Where are the test results? Who are the “independents”? Introduce me to one expert witness, now! Your miserable, loathsome, Stellar sycophant existence is running out of time!
Limelight – I threw myself at the mercy of the proprietor’s expertise and integrity.
InTERRORgator – I’m going to bounce you off the backside of the universe into a pool of Cherenkov light! Legitimate batteries could have put your case at my discretion. A plea of innocence in an indefensible case means mandatory sentencing to CPF!
Limelight – Hey Stella!
InTERRORgator – Plead guilty to violating – in flagrante delicto - the budgetarian code of honor and beg for a merciful death in the pool of Cherenkov light!
Limelight – NOT GUILTY! No one has ever been sentenced to that forum. It’s cruel and unusual punishment; it does not fit the alleged offense. I’ll take termination over torture – “liberty or death.” CPF is nothing like Budgetlightforum.com – regulated by current reality. CPF is driven by a boost circuit for fantasy that buck$ reality:
“Picture yourself in a thread on a forum
With tangerine trees and marmalade skies
Somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly
A DM51 moderator with orange peel eyes.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A7F2X3rSSCU
Exhibit A: “The official Malkoff Junkie thread.” On 03-13-2010, 06:54 PM, one of the esteemed luminaries had this to say: “I currently own an M60, M60W, M30, M30W and the elusive and orgasmic M61.” Roll on floor, laugh out door and roll on down to Chinatown. Since when, in the present space-mass-time continuum, does a plain ole drop-in become “elusive and orgasmic”? That luminary slashed his slender thread tethered to reality.
“Cellophane bin tints of yellow and green
Ceiling-bounced over your head
Look for the ADMIN MOD with the LED in her eyes
And she's gone” (Server crash?)
The effervescent luminary, shamelessly giddy, far beyond the slightest measure of self-control, continued: “All of which have their own surefire host which are kept in pristine condition….” He must have a shrine for them and incense to burn 24/7. He might even sacrifice a budget flashlight on an altar with a vent w/flame safety enclosure.
“Follow her down to a bridge by a fountain
Where rocking horse people eat marshmallow pies
Everyone smile$ as you drift past the $urefire w/Malcough
Priced so incredibly high.”
The luminary, several light years adrift from reality, babbled on:
“My wife says I am certifiable for all the stuff I have, especially after the pissing, whining, anxiousness, and victory dances after I got that M61 order in; not to mention the squealing and giggling after I got it home and lit her up for the first time. I though I was gonna pee myself... and then realized that I did.” Suffice to say, at that moment, the luminary was off the deep end of the runtime graph – no LoVoltCut-off to protect him from excessive discharge. POOF – he was long gone, past the point of no return:
“Newspaper taxis appear on the shore
Waiting to take you away
Climb in the back with your head in the clouds
And you're gone”
In the same thread, 10-21-2010, 08:54 PM, another member made the salient point: “These flashlights are starting to look more and more like pieces of art than tools.” That accords with the INVERSE SQUARE LAW OF PERCEPTION. The closer one gets to CPF and the longer one remains in contact with CPF, the more perception becomes disassociated from reality – at an accelerating rate. The flashlight, a tool, becomes collectable art, idol, and loquacious conversation piece. The flashlight function becomes subordinate to the packaging, feel and appearance of the flashlight body, which seems to exude an ethereal aura for those under its spellbinding attraction and credit card extraction – the pick-pocket effect - slight of hand while they watch it try to do a tail-stand. Even those who attain escape velocity from CPF, or are fortunate enough to be freely jettisoned by a moderator, seem tainted with a residual effect analogous to hysteresis.
“Picture yourself on a train in a station
With plasticine porters with looking glass ties
Suddenly someone is there at the turnstile
A CPF moderator with orange peel eyes”
InTERRORgator – How close did you get to CPF?
Limelight – Google tricked me into going there a few times. Initially, I was influenced by some of the inmates. But the marketplace feeding frenzy was the first reality check against extraordinary delusions and the madness of crowds. Too many CPF members subsidize mediocrity and failure with their favorite phrase: “You get what you pay for” - ad infinitum ad nauseum. You pay what you were taken for – fools! You forget what you paid for: “Why decide between the two? Buy both!” They talk about a flashlight as though it were a delicacy to be engulfed – hook, line and sinker! The bait has treble hooks as big as boat anchors but their gluttonous maw is so wide open that their lips obscure their eyesight! It’s ~ 9 steradians of danger zone, encompassed by a set of fully articulated jaws coming at you, at a pandemonium pace. Snap, crackle and pop goes the bloody bones of anyone who tentatively utters a word of caution, or merely suggests a properly vetted, budget alternative.
Exhibit B is from the real cognoscenti, a member of BudgetLightForum.com, FlashPilot, who posted the following on 08/14/2011 - 00:58:
“As an aside, Im a personal friend of a rather large outdoor equipment provider. He advertises on CPF and also has one of the larger online presence for LED flashlight sales. We share the interests of another hobby in common and talk often. One of the industries dirty secrets is in the very high failure rates of many many expensive LED flashlights. Sure, they get replaced if under warranty (usually at some cost to the user), but no one seems to focus on that. Of the 50 or so +$100 lights I have or have owned, at least half of them have failed prematurley, been extremely difficult to repair or adjust. My friend tells me I am NOT atypical in that regard! Today, I dont buy budget lights because they are inexpensive. I buy them because they work and have been thoroughly reviewed by many satisfied customers. Just my thought...” https://budgetlightforum.com/t/-/3361#comment-61401
And then there was that unforgettable dream; technically speaking, it really was a nightmare. I needed a deluge of tranquil light for violent situations on the edge of night…something that instantly, universally communicated one unmistakable, undeniable fact: resistance is futile! And make an 800 lb gorilla instinctively assume the fetal position! It had to be something that could instantly convert a shady past into a bright future. It’s been said that the best tactical defense is a good strategic offense. I needed a strategic, not a tactical, light. One of Mother Superior’s Super Duper Moderators suggested that a Las Vegas Luxor would meet those great expectations. Like a noob, I checked it out; it seemed a little bulky for EDC and the pyramid shape, not to mention the unwieldy size, could inadvertently reveal your carefully concealed position. But the real deal-killer was that it was only offered in Xenon - a 42.3 billion candlepower INSECT MAGNET. Imagine inviting 42.3 billion insects to your carefully concealed position, in an environment that is already immediately dangerous to life and health! SkyTracker would neither confirm nor deny that an LED version, with a yellow bug-light bin tint, was “coming soon.” I awakened from the nightmare, sweating, swearing, and swatting at a swarm of imaginary bugs and vowed never to join CPF!
They subsidize mediocrity by coercing the customer to conform to the inadequacies of the flashlight. They would expect someone to eagerly pay for a Las Vegas Luxor and deal with the insects by hauling around a bat cave. The customer is supposed to jump through hoops and do all sorts of mind-bending, metal-twisting work-a-rounds to make the heart-stopping-priced flashlight fit a menial task, while drooling for the “coming soon” version, promised to rectify the inadequacies of the current version. COMINGSOON should be another China factory that preempts all the promised versions, typically announced at the big-shot shows – overpromised and under delivered.
Then there is a representative sample, n>>1 or 2, of generous souls who would never buy a budget flashlight for themselves. They toss the flashlight around in their discussion about its worthiness as a gift. The budget light is only fit for donation to the unfortunate class, impoverished in darkness – those desperate destitutes, who only need just enough light to recognize the benevolence bestowed upon them by the CPF illuminati.
InTERRORgator – I’ve never sentenced anyone to CPF, but your case goes beyond the pale. The EagleTac is indefensible, priced @ one-third more than the Solarforce. (“even customs guys can't fathom what kind of moron would buy a flashlight for more than 20~30 $.” https://budgetlightforum.com/t/-/1627#comment-27915 ) If it could be shown that the Stellar batteries are legit, then that would tend to mitigate the sentence…if only so slightly.
The EagleTac – “The best built flashlight in the world” - has a lifetime warranty, minus the Surefire price – not a bad choice for a noob apprentice!
Limelight – Another member of BudgetLightForum.com, ky70, had this to say on 05/19/2010 - 06:47: “Lately, my top 3 EDCs have been Zebralight SC50 and Nitecore D10 clipped to either pocket and my Eagletac t100c2 in my bag.”
InTERRORgator – For the record, ky70 prefaced his quoted comment with this important notice: “Though I enjoy budget lights, none are in my top 3.” Clearly, you knew that EagleTac was not a budget flashlight! https://budgetlightforum.com/t/-/320#comment-3319
Limelight – Neither is the Fenix TK35! https://budgetlightforum.com/t/-/1627#comment-27915
InTERRORgator – That’s for those who have advanced beyond noobhood. Noobs begin with budget lights! After they gain knowledge and experience, they have the ability to identify value lights and determine if they must exit the budget domain to meet their specifications.
Take the integrated sphere; it’s like “Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome”- two lights enter, one light leaves http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pHU6K47qgc8. They evaluate max runtime, max current, max throw, and max ceiling bounce; few max out…the credit card. And if a significant other discovers max out - “Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls dying time’s here.” Budgetarians are self-regulated for self-preservation.
But noobs get very little right, even when they are given a clear, unmistakable direct order, in English and Engrish. Noobs personify Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle: The more precisely the position (momentum) of a noob is given, the less precisely can one say what the noob’s momentum (position) is. That is to say that noobs can accidently get the right flashlight for all the wrong reasons. And it is to say that they can purposefully get the wrong flashlight, immediately after agreeing with you about why they should have avoided it and should have gotten something radically different.
Incorrigible, impenitent, recidivist noobs must not be allowed to propagate light; they must terminate in a pool of Cherenkov light. They are dangerous – potentially serial killers.
Limelight – “Serial killers”?
InTERRORgator – Eventually, some noobs start to play around with Li-Ion and think nothing of dumping two or more, in SERIES, to see what happens in their flashlight. Their behavior with Li-Ion accords with the Uncertainty Principle. Noobs and Li-Ion don’t mix. Flashlight manufactures try to compensate – noobproof - with reverse polarity protection and lo voltage cutoff, which is redundant for those using PCB batteries and can prematurely terminate the runtime of batteries with exceptionally low voltage cutoff. Noobs cause the flashlight using community to subsidize their carelessness, stupidity and ignorance. Therefore, I have been appointed to make noobs obsolete!
It is customary to notify the next of kin about verdicts, terminations and the locations of the remains of their executed kindred.
Limelight – Notify Twilight.
InTERRORgator – What’s the address?
Limelight – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EXzQD2SRESs&feature=related
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