The Daily Joke Thread

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Muto
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jacktheclipper wrote:

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)

 

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that’s more like it!)

(I already have 2 bombs)

 

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)

 

A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(O.M.G.!!!)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.(Creepy)

(I’m still not over the pig.)

 

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Don’t try this at home;maybe at work.)

 

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.

(Honey, I’m home. What the…?)

 

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

 

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

 

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still can’t believe that pig …quality over quantity.)

 

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)

 

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm…….)

 

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

 

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

A cat’s urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)

 

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

 

Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

 

Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer.)

 

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is just one of the posts I loved after I had joined.

You probably don’t know it, but you are the weirdo that got me to come back to this site after bookmarking it almost a year earlier.
I had no idea what the members were talking about, drivers and reverse clickys and tint.
Just figured they were freak nerds, but the Daily Joke Thread was always worth a read if I hadn’t lurked for a month or so.
Anyway one day I laughed really hard and decided to explore other parts of the site and try to figure out WTF these people were talking about and then on Sept 4 2012 I joined and haven’t left since.

So thank you Jacktheclipper for your weird poems and everyone else past and present for having me along for the ride, what a strange trip it’s been (Jerry R.I.P.)
Later,

Easily amused sometimes,
Keith

“History doesn’t repeat itself, but it sometimes rhymes,” Mark Twain

After the Apocalypse there will be only 2 things left alive, Cockroaches and Keith Richards

xevious
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OK, hard to beat that pig, but…

raccoon city
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xevious wrote:

Nice!

Did you find that on Reddit?

Coyotehawk
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Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party?
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Because he was looking for a tight seal.

raccoon city
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New Year's Eve

New Year's Eve
"Off-by-one errors" isn't the easiest theme to build a party around, but I've seen worse.
raccoon city
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Bad Map Projection: South America

Bad Map Projection: South America

The projection does a good job preserving both distance and azimuth, at the cost of really exaggerating how many South Americas there are.

Boaz
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One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals.

Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, “I’ve had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all of the state capitals.”

One of the guys, of course, said, “I don’t believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?”

“N,” she answered.

 

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz 

When I was applying for Australian citizenship the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I said, “No. Is that still required?”

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

My friend Dave drowned in a boating accident, we placed a life jacket on his coffin.

It’s what he would have wanted.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I have not spoken to my wife for six months.

I don’t like to interrupt her.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

My grandfather killed over 30 German pilots in World War II.

He was the worst mechanic in the Luftwaffe.

 

 

       καὶ τὸ φῶς ἐν τῇ σκοτίᾳ φαίνει καὶ ἡ σκοτία αὐτὸ οὐ κατέλαβεν

                            

       Dc-fix diffuser film  >…  http://budgetlightforum.com/node/42208

xevious
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1stein
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Action takes place on TV guessing game show:

Q: when was Leonardo da Vinci born? You can be wrong by only 3 days.

A: on Wednesday?

Henk4U2
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Moment later on same TV guessing game show:

Q: name three famous Mickey’s.

A: Mickey Rourke, Mickey Mouse, eh ……. Mickey Way?

You are a flashaholic if you are forced to come out of the closet, to make room for more flashlights.

Boaz
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Today I shouted “Cow!” to a woman riding a bike.
She gave me the finger, then she ran into a cow. I tried.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
A friend of mine had to go to the hospital today because he ate an entire pizza.


My Pizza.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
My therapist said I should identify the people in my life that have hurt me, write letters to them explaining what they did and then burn them.
I feel so much better but I don’t know what to do with all these letters.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
“Well, I’ve got good news and bad news.”
“Gimme the good news first, Doc.”

 

 


“They’re gonna name a disease after you.”
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

       καὶ τὸ φῶς ἐν τῇ σκοτίᾳ φαίνει καὶ ἡ σκοτία αὐτὸ οὐ κατέλαβεν

                            

       Dc-fix diffuser film  >…  http://budgetlightforum.com/node/42208

raccoon city
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Brand new illnesses that are growing quickly and have no cure (yet) are scarier than old illnesses that are not growing quickly.

I prefer to be informed, so I will accept the media's scare tactics that they use to gain viewers.

1stein
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That’s why I avoid as hell any antibiotics since they weaken your immune system. I believe as long as the amount of taken viruses is not severe human immune system should defend us.

Boaz
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Redneck murders the hardest cases to solve.
All the DNA matches and there are no dental records.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
My grandpa always used to say “as one door closes, another opens”.
A lovely man. A terrible cabinet maker.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
When I was young my parents sent me to a child psychologist.
That kid didn’t help at all.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
You don’t need a parachute to skydive.
You need a parachute to skydive twice.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
While getting into my car to go to work a cable tv repairman working on my neighbors house asked me what time it was .  I told him " it's between 1 and 8 pm."
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
My wife just opened the car door for me..
It would have been a nice gesture had we not been driving at 60 mph.
 

       καὶ τὸ φῶς ἐν τῇ σκοτίᾳ φαίνει καὶ ἡ σκοτία αὐτὸ οὐ κατέλαβεν

                            

       Dc-fix diffuser film  >…  http://budgetlightforum.com/node/42208

Lightbringer
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tekwyzrd wrote:
yes, if i’m exposed to and develop flu symptoms they last about 8 hours.

I can remember one time I was feeling sluggish, listless, and all I wanted to do was sleep. Could barely keep my eyes open. Had no idea at first what was causing it. Later I was told I had The Itis. Must’ve been…

09 F9 11 02 9D 74 E3 5B D8 41 56 C5 63 56 88 C0

Agro
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Boaz wrote:
You don’t need a parachute to skydive.
You need a parachute to skydive twice.

But you only need it once. Wink
Boaz, your posts are very hard to quote due to the amount of noise in the style annotations.
Kevin Z
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@ Boaz
Best joke teller on this forum Thumbs Up ,you remind me of less Dawson ,why no mother-in-law jokes ,haha .

Kevin Z
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My mother-in-law is so fat she has her own postcode.

Kevin Z
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I said to the chemist, ‘Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?’ He said, ‘Why?’ I said, ‘She keeps waking up..

raccoon city
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Worst Thing That Could Happen

Worst Thing That Could Happen
Before I install any patch, I always open the patch notes and Ctrl-F for 'supervolcano', 'seagull', and 'garbage disposal', just to be safe.
Kevin Z
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I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, Six should be enough.”

raccoon city
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Here's a joke I just made up...

It's not that funny, but it is topical:

 

Q.  What's the scariest rap group?

A.  Wuhan Clan!

Rdubya18
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Yeah , you were right . Big Smile

Kevin Z
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Rdubya18 wrote:
Yeah , you were right . Big Smile

Now that’s funny Big Smile
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1stein wrote:
That’s why I avoid as hell any antibiotics since they weaken your immune system. I believe as long as the amount of taken viruses is not severe human immune system should defend us.
My only counter argument to that is that antibiotics are ESSENTIAL when you are dealing with a grave infection. People die without them. Penicillin was the very first one. And it saved countless millions of lives that would’ve died otherwise. The issue is abuse of antibiotics. “I have a bad cold!” “OK, here’s some antibiotics.” That’s just irresponsible. So what if your cold lasts a couple more days. Abusing antibiotics creates super bugs.
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What goes with the Coronavirus?

Lyme disease

"It's super bright, super tough, and super efficient! What more could you ask for?"

The true mystery of the world is the visible, not the invincible.

Kevin Z
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How do you annoy lady gaga?

Poker face.

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raccoon city wrote:

Here’s a joke I just made up…


It’s not that funny, but it is topical:


 


Q.  What’s the scariest rap group?


A.  Wuhan Clan!

Who’s Charlie Chan’s brother?

Wuhan Chan.

(Not funny, either)

1stein
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Q: Daddy, is 4 a little or a lot?
A: It depends son. 4 dollars is not much, but 4 Chinese coughs is a lot

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1 word joke

BREXIT

https://www.facebook.com/groups/163189738353433/?ref=share
Join my Facebook FW3/4/1 selling and buying group guys

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