The Daily Joke Thread

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Rexlion
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A woman walks into the bathroom and sees her husband weighing himself. While standing on the scale he sucks in his belly.
.
“Ha!” she tells him, “That won’t help you!”
.
“Sure it helps,” he replies. “How else can I see the numbers?”

Lightbringer
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Similar theme:

she: Does this dress make me look fat?

he: Nope, your fat makes you look fat.

 

Her trial starts next week.

09 F9 11 02 9D 74 E3 5B D8 41 56 C5 63 56 88 C0

Rexlion
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she: “Does this dress make me look fat?”

he: “I love you and I want you to look and feel your best. And I don’t
think that particular dress compliments you well. Let’s find something that hides those big love handles.”

(and he started off so well….)

Oli
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Joe Biden said a few months ago that he’s going to pick a woman as his running mate. In recent weeks some people are saying that he should pick a black woman. Elizabeth Warren is now scrambling to fill out the proper forms. She’s also going to send her spit in for DNA testing again.

hamedshh
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turkeydance wrote:
well, i liked hamedshh’s surrealistic joke translations,
but my new favorite is xevious since i understand
some of what is going on, but it’s funnier if i don’t.

here is a surreal one i copied:

why did the dragon go camping?
what else is he supposed to do?

Do you know why stealing from cashiers is easy, it’s because most of them don’t know or weren’t pefectly trained to jump over the cash desk counter

Future is bright as predicted in all the scriptures!

Rexlion
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I needed clean work clothes for this week, so I washed a load of pajamas.

raccoon city
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Wrong Times Table

Wrong Times Table
Deep in some corner of my heart, I suspect that real times tables are wrong about 6x7=42 and 8x7=56.
Lightbringer
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I so seriously don’t get it.

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raccoon city
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I think the fact that someone would actually make a times table that is completely wrong is pretty funny.

(I like stupid math jokes.)

Helios azimuth
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raccoon city wrote:
(I like stupid math jokes.)

Everyone has heard that pi are not squared, they are round.
Lightbringer
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raccoon city wrote:
I think the fact that someone would actually make a times table that is completely wrong is pretty funny.

(I like stupid math jokes.)

Wellp, I gotta admit, that certainly qualified. Silly

09 F9 11 02 9D 74 E3 5B D8 41 56 C5 63 56 88 C0

jf_smm
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Helios azimuth wrote:
raccoon city wrote:
(I like stupid math jokes.)
Everyone has heard that pi are not squared, they are round.

We had a goofy teacher who used to “correct” the kids who said “ 2 pi R squared” he’d say “No cake are square pi are round”.

Lightbringer
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Nope, cornbread r squared, cake r round.

 

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Lightbringer
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I knew Yogi had a big ol’ mean-streak…

Worse, he’s an angry drunk.

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Lightbringer
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Especially after he was jailed for beating BooBoo into a coma.

Sad day…

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Boaz
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    A Freudian Slip is when you say one thing, but you mean your mother.

       καὶ τὸ φῶς ἐν τῇ σκοτίᾳ φαίνει καὶ ἡ σκοτία αὐτὸ οὐ κατέλαβεν

                            

       Dc-fix diffuser film  >…  http://budgetlightforum.com/node/42208

Boaz
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Where do you find the meaning of life?

The dictionary
 
..................................

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What movie would you like to see?”

I said, “You pick.”

She said, “You pick.”

I said, “I don’t care. You pick.”

She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets.”
.........................................

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail.

The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?
 
 

       καὶ τὸ φῶς ἐν τῇ σκοτίᾳ φαίνει καὶ ἡ σκοτία αὐτὸ οὐ κατέλαβεν

                            

       Dc-fix diffuser film  >…  http://budgetlightforum.com/node/42208

xevious
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Quillz
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Did you hear that the guy who wrote the hokey pokey song recently died? They couldn’t close the casket at his funeral.

Quillz

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Because they put his left foot in , he put his right foot out

Quillz

raccoon city
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Low-Background Metal

Low-Background Metal

The only effect on the history books were a few confusing accounts of something called 'Greek fire.'

xevious
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raccoon city wrote:

Low-Background Metal


Low-Background Metal


The only effect on the history books were a few confusing accounts of something called ‘Greek fire.’

Good one. Big Smile
sb56637
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Careful guys so that this doesn’t turn into a politics thread. I’ve seen these things get ugly fast, that’s definitely not what we want to happen in lighthearted joke thread.

Budget Light Forum ...where Frugal meets with Flashlight!

cloggy
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I have delegated my post.
In view of the dozens of Obama jokes on this thread I assumed that a few Trump jokes would be acceptable ( and they are funny ).
Your knowledge of the forum members is far greater than mine though so please accept my apologies.

cloggy

sb56637
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cloggy wrote:
I have delegated my post. In view of the dozens of Obama jokes on this thread I assumed that a few Trump jokes would be acceptable ( and they are funny ). Your knowledge of the forum members is far greater than mine though so please accept my apologies.

Thanks, appreciate it! Thumbs Up As always, I’d like to clarify that I’m not trying to enforce any sort of political agenda here, I simply step in to prevent politics of any leaning from being discussed here, because it always lead to fights.

Budget Light Forum ...where Frugal meets with Flashlight!

Rexlion
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THIS SPACE AVAILABLE
Affordable lease terms – Daily – Weekly – Monthly
Your ad will be seen by many who appreciate humor!
contact practicaljoker @ xxxxx.xxx for details!

Wink
xevious
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sb56637 wrote:
Careful guys so that this doesn’t turn into a politics thread. I’ve seen these things get ugly fast, that’s definitely not what we want to happen in lighthearted joke thread.
Good point. Joke image removed. Thanks for the friendly heads up. Thumbs Up
Rexlion
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raccoon city
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That's a really mean spirited video.

Not much offends me, but that video is over-the-top offensive.

Boaz
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 So the parish priest is sent to a far off outpost in the artic circle ..he's there for a month , three months ..a year goes by and the bishop feels like he needs to go check up on the priest .  .."I appreciate your visit Bishop and your concern about me... but I've found as long as I have my Rosery and drink two martini's a day... living up here is really not that bad ....  Hey Rosery get the bishop a martini .

       καὶ τὸ φῶς ἐν τῇ σκοτίᾳ φαίνει καὶ ἡ σκοτία αὐτὸ οὐ κατέλαβεν

                            

       Dc-fix diffuser film  >…  http://budgetlightforum.com/node/42208

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