The Daily Joke Thread

2015 posts / 0 new
Last post
raccoon city
raccoon city's picture
Offline
Last seen: 3 hours 12 min ago
Joined: 10/06/2010 - 02:35
Posts: 16848
Location: रॅकून सिटी Palm Desert CA USA

I'm tempted to put this in my signature...

still_anti-social

EDIT:

Yep, now it's in my sig.  :THUMBS-UP:

Bort
Bort's picture
Offline
Last seen: 31 min 11 sec ago
Joined: 06/01/2012 - 17:15
Posts: 8131
Location: Holding the proverbial flashlight

raccoon city wrote:

I’m tempted to put this in my signature…


still_anti-social


EDIT:


Yep, now it’s in my sig.  alt=:" />


Three are going to be a huge number of pandemic memes coming Big Smile

The Journal of Alternative Facts TM

"It is critical that there is a credible academic source for the growing and important discipline of alternative facts. This field of study will just keep winning, and we knew that all the best people would want to be on board. There is a real risk in the world today that people might be getting their information about science from actual scientists"

 

azj
Offline
Last seen: 3 days 11 hours ago
Joined: 12/08/2017 - 16:46
Posts: 264
Location: Riverside, CA

I love it

jeff51
jeff51's picture
Offline
Last seen: 2 days 5 hours ago
Joined: 03/26/2019 - 17:36
Posts: 1121
Location: Middle of Texas

Man, I want the hoodie with that one on it!

Rexlion
Offline
Last seen: 5 hours 35 min ago
Joined: 05/18/2019 - 16:59
Posts: 1011
Location: Okla.

I bet there’d be a market for the converse, too…
“100% Antisocial, Still Not Vaccinated” LOL

== We save the planet from darkness ==

ShyOne
ShyOne's picture
Offline
Last seen: 2 weeks 6 days ago
Joined: 08/08/2019 - 23:23
Posts: 388
Location: Cortez, FL Cuchara, CO Homeport..AL

Rexlion wrote:
I bet there’d be a market for the converse, too…
“100% Antisocial, Still Not Vaccinated” LOL

Agreed… ✅
jeff51
jeff51's picture
Offline
Last seen: 2 days 5 hours ago
Joined: 03/26/2019 - 17:36
Posts: 1121
Location: Middle of Texas

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor to have a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
“Well, doc, it’s like this —- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too. First with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees but still nothing.”

The doctor was shocked and said, “You asked your neighbor?”

The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”

Lightbringer
Lightbringer's picture
Offline
Last seen: 52 min 41 sec ago
Joined: 08/30/2016 - 14:12
Posts: 15490
Location: nyc

Okay, not a written joke, but still a hoot.

 

09 F9 11 02 9D 74 E3 5B D8 41 56 C5 63 56 88 C0

chops728
Offline
Last seen: 46 min 53 sec ago
Joined: 08/30/2014 - 16:00
Posts: 1401
Location: Swampland,La

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.

His assistant walked up to him and said,
‘This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?’

The boss told her he knew he’d closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up.

He then understood his assistant’s question about his ‘garage door’

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, ‘When my garage door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?’

She smiled and said, ‘No, I didn’t. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires..

chops728
Offline
Last seen: 46 min 53 sec ago
Joined: 08/30/2014 - 16:00
Posts: 1401
Location: Swampland,La

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’

‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis’

turkeydance
turkeydance's picture
Offline
Last seen: 7 hours 19 min ago
Joined: 02/20/2020 - 18:53
Posts: 885

military humor:

a fortification is two twentyfications.

Lightbringer
Lightbringer's picture
Offline
Last seen: 52 min 41 sec ago
Joined: 08/30/2016 - 14:12
Posts: 15490
Location: nyc

helicopter: 10,000 parts flying in close formation.

09 F9 11 02 9D 74 E3 5B D8 41 56 C5 63 56 88 C0

turkeydance
turkeydance's picture
Offline
Last seen: 7 hours 19 min ago
Joined: 02/20/2020 - 18:53
Posts: 885

me: what will it cost to have my car fixed?
mechanic: what’s wrong with it?
me: i don’t know.
mech: $410.57.

your serve.

jeff51
jeff51's picture
Offline
Last seen: 2 days 5 hours ago
Joined: 03/26/2019 - 17:36
Posts: 1121
Location: Middle of Texas

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The preacher told them,
“We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.”

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.
When the preacher ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed.
“You are back so soon … is there a problem?” the preacher inquired.

“We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month”
The young man replied sadly.

The preacher asked him what happened.
“Well, the first week was difficult .. however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.”
“The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain.”
“However, the third week was unbearable. “

We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible …
anything to keep our minds off sex.

Then one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.
When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there.”
Admitted the man shamefully.

“You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church,”
stated the preacher.

“We know.” said the young man, hanging his head.

“We’re not welcome at Home Depot any more either.”

All the Best,
Jeff

Bort
Bort's picture
Offline
Last seen: 31 min 11 sec ago
Joined: 06/01/2012 - 17:15
Posts: 8131
Location: Holding the proverbial flashlight

jeff51 wrote:
A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The preacher told them,
“We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.”

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.
When the preacher ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed.
“You are back so soon … is there a problem?” the preacher inquired.

“We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month”
The young man replied sadly.

The preacher asked him what happened.
“Well, the first week was difficult .. however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.”
“The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain.”
“However, the third week was unbearable. “

We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible …
anything to keep our minds off sex.

Then one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.
When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there.”
Admitted the man shamefully.

“You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church,”
stated the preacher.

“We know.” said the young man, hanging his head.

“We’re not welcome at Home Depot any more either.”

All the Best,
Jeff


No more one cent Home Depot clearance deals. Now that is a tragedy Sad

BTW anyone else miss Dchomak?

The Journal of Alternative Facts TM

"It is critical that there is a credible academic source for the growing and important discipline of alternative facts. This field of study will just keep winning, and we knew that all the best people would want to be on board. There is a real risk in the world today that people might be getting their information about science from actual scientists"

 

raccoon city
raccoon city's picture
Offline
Last seen: 3 hours 12 min ago
Joined: 10/06/2010 - 02:35
Posts: 16848
Location: रॅकून सिटी Palm Desert CA USA

Bort wrote:

BTW anyone else miss Dchomak?

I miss him.

He hasn't logged in for three years.

Does anyone know what happened to him?

Bort
Bort's picture
Offline
Last seen: 31 min 11 sec ago
Joined: 06/01/2012 - 17:15
Posts: 8131
Location: Holding the proverbial flashlight

raccoon city wrote:

Bort wrote:

BTW anyone else miss Dchomak?


I miss him.


He hasn’t logged in for three years.


Does anyone know what happened to him?


Obviously the Home Depot Mafia caught onto his scheme and hauled him away.
He is probably in China being forced to make Home Depot products on the assembly line until he repents.

The Journal of Alternative Facts TM

"It is critical that there is a credible academic source for the growing and important discipline of alternative facts. This field of study will just keep winning, and we knew that all the best people would want to be on board. There is a real risk in the world today that people might be getting their information about science from actual scientists"

 

turkeydance
turkeydance's picture
Offline
Last seen: 7 hours 19 min ago
Joined: 02/20/2020 - 18:53
Posts: 885

me: how far is it to Podunk?
local: in the direction you’re going it’s 24,900 miles,
but if you turn around, it’s only one mile.

Bwana
Offline
Last seen: 1 day 3 hours ago
Joined: 02/27/2020 - 06:57
Posts: 428
Location: NEW JERSEY

Someone asked me if I believe in clubs for women .

I said , Only if kindness fails.

nottawhackjob
Offline
Last seen: 3 hours 18 min ago
Joined: 01/07/2013 - 14:13
Posts: 1335

Two gals and two guys are halfway into a long rugged rocky hike.

One guy gets bit right in the pecker while relieving himself. He’s in screaming agony. Panicking, one gal falls over backwards scraping herself up mightily. The other gal having a bottle of rubbing alcohol attempts to squirt the severely bleeding wounds and inadvertently gets a dose of alcohol in both eyes, and she too is in screaming agony.

The guy left standing blurts, “Thank GOD at least I’m ok to help y’all out here!”

The pecker snake bit guy cries out, “OH GOD HELP ME FIRST!!!!!! YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO!!!! SCCCRRREEEEWWWW THEM!!!!!”

9 months later two perfectly healthy children were born.

PS. I just made this up. LOL

PSS. I was expecting this kinda reply from someone like Lightbringer……….“Yeah, we could tell.” LOL Shocked Silly

“In many things in order to truly understand the small picture you have to understand the big picture first.”

True Color Rendition (TCR)/Simplified Definition: “On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest rating, a TCR will equate to what true colors you see in sunlight vs the same object’s colors you see when illuminated with a flashlight. The closer the two are, the higher the TCR rating will be.”

The TCR Reference Standard is the Walmart Ozark Trail OT 50L , Model No. 6103.
It has a TCR rating of ‘10’. $1.00 including batteries.

raccoon city
raccoon city's picture
Offline
Last seen: 3 hours 12 min ago
Joined: 10/06/2010 - 02:35
Posts: 16848
Location: रॅकून सिटी Palm Desert CA USA

nottawhackjob wrote:

PS. I just made this up. LOL

No way...

Really?  :P

Lightbringer
Lightbringer's picture
Offline
Last seen: 52 min 41 sec ago
Joined: 08/30/2016 - 14:12
Posts: 15490
Location: nyc
nottawhackjob wrote:
PSS. I was expecting this kinda reply from someone like Lightbringer……….“Yeah, we could tell.” LOL Shocked Silly

Nah, I was gonna let someone else take it. I can’t keep hogging the spotlight.

09 F9 11 02 9D 74 E3 5B D8 41 56 C5 63 56 88 C0

Boaz
Boaz's picture
Offline
Last seen: 2 hours 32 min ago
Joined: 11/07/2010 - 09:31
Posts: 7655
Location: Birthplace of Aviation

I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia.

She leaned over and whispered  ..... "They're right behind you. . ."
 
.....................................................................................................................
 

Welcome to the Mental Health Helpline. Please listen carefully to the following options:

* If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
* If you are co-dependent, please get someone to press 2 for you.
* If you have multiple personality disorder, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
* If you have Tourette's Syndrome, please say "f**k it!" after the tone.
* If you have schizophrenia, press whichever button the voice in your head tells you to press.
* If you have paranoia, we already know who you are and why you are calling. Don't hang up. It is too late.
* If you have depression, just hang up now. It wasn't going to help anyway.
 
..................................................................................................................
 

Lizard is walking through the forest...

and he comes up to a large tree along the path. He looks up in the tree and sees Koala sitting on a branch smoking a joint.

"Heyoo Koala, do you mind if I climb up and try some?" Lizard asks.

"Not at all Lizard, my dude, come on up!" Koala wheezed while exhaling a ripe puff.

Lizard climbed up the tree to sit with Koala while they enjoyed a jungle doob and discussed the happenings of the community. After a few minutes, Lizard was having a hard time continuing conversation.

"Bro, my mouth is dry and my tongue feels like sandpaper! For some reason I can barely talk!" Lizard mumbles, with his lips stuck to his teeth.

"Holy !@#$ bro, don't worry. It is called cotton mouth and it is just from the weed," Koala said with bloodshot eyes, "Look at how !@#$ up you are, you look like one of those funny faced Spongebob memes."

Lizard began to panic as existential questions and paranoia started to set in.

"Don't lose it bro!" Koala stoneously giggled, as he pointed down the path. "You need to take a quick refreshing walk to the stream and get some water, little buddy!"

Lizard agreed and carefully climbed down the tree and embarked upon the journey. As he continued down the path he began to see the forest in a whole new light, he was in tune with things on a deeper level. He could feel every twig and leaf crunch beneath his feet, he could see beautiful vivid patterns emerge in the leaves of the trees as the wind danced through the branches, and he could hear and comprehend all of the sounds of the life in the forest as if it were a song made just for him.

He finally made his way to the stream and sank his mouth into the flowing water. It was the most fulfilling taste he had ever experienced, as if he could feel every cell in his body being hydrated with every swallow.

Then all of a sudden...

Alligator emerged from the water directly in front of Lizard, which frightened Lizard immensely!

"Alligator! My friend! Can you see what I am seeing right now? Can you feel what I am feeling?" Lizard shouted with a huge smile on his face, and a grin so big you could feel it through his squinted eyes as well.

"Damn dude, you're Lit af! You holding?" Alligator said with intrigue.

"No brother, but I did just get done reefing with Koala. He is down the path, up in the big tree by the bluff," Lizard said. "I'm sure he could get you some."

Alligator aggressively thanked Lizard, and immediately began to mash down the trail to find Koala. He found the tree and saw Koala passed out, asleep, with the joint in his hand still smoldering.

"Hey, Koala!" Alligator shouted.

Koala was startled awake, confused, and almost fell from the tree. After a quick moment surveying where he was, he looked down to where the shouting came from.

"Holy !@#$ Lizard, HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?"

       καὶ τὸ φῶς ἐν τῇ σκοτίᾳ φαίνει καὶ ἡ σκοτία αὐτὸ οὐ κατέλαβεν

                            

       Dc-fix diffuser film  >…  http://budgetlightforum.com/node/42208

Boaz
Boaz's picture
Offline
Last seen: 2 hours 32 min ago
Joined: 11/07/2010 - 09:31
Posts: 7655
Location: Birthplace of Aviation

How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions.

6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb.'

Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.

22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jerks.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp.'

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct.

49 to post memes and gifs (several are of Michael Jackson eating popcorn).

19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page.

11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here.

24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs.

44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you.

12 to post F.

8 to ask what F means.

36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs.

15 People to post "I can't see S$%^!" and use their own light bulbs.

6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$"

4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".

13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs."

1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments.

50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.

5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously.

1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.

       καὶ τὸ φῶς ἐν τῇ σκοτίᾳ φαίνει καὶ ἡ σκοτία αὐτὸ οὐ κατέλαβεν

                            

       Dc-fix diffuser film  >…  http://budgetlightforum.com/node/42208

nottawhackjob
Offline
Last seen: 3 hours 18 min ago
Joined: 01/07/2013 - 14:13
Posts: 1335

That joke’s too long. Is that the punchline? LOL Shocked

“In many things in order to truly understand the small picture you have to understand the big picture first.”

True Color Rendition (TCR)/Simplified Definition: “On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest rating, a TCR will equate to what true colors you see in sunlight vs the same object’s colors you see when illuminated with a flashlight. The closer the two are, the higher the TCR rating will be.”

The TCR Reference Standard is the Walmart Ozark Trail OT 50L , Model No. 6103.
It has a TCR rating of ‘10’. $1.00 including batteries.

azj
Offline
Last seen: 3 days 11 hours ago
Joined: 12/08/2017 - 16:46
Posts: 264
Location: Riverside, CA

….yea, so 1 to post TLDR….Over 9000! Wink

nottawhackjob
Offline
Last seen: 3 hours 18 min ago
Joined: 01/07/2013 - 14:13
Posts: 1335

Wattya call it when a dove craps on yer head?

A turdledove.

PS. Hey another one I just made up. Can ya tell? I got more. LOL Shocked

“In many things in order to truly understand the small picture you have to understand the big picture first.”

True Color Rendition (TCR)/Simplified Definition: “On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest rating, a TCR will equate to what true colors you see in sunlight vs the same object’s colors you see when illuminated with a flashlight. The closer the two are, the higher the TCR rating will be.”

The TCR Reference Standard is the Walmart Ozark Trail OT 50L , Model No. 6103.
It has a TCR rating of ‘10’. $1.00 including batteries.

nottawhackjob
Offline
Last seen: 3 hours 18 min ago
Joined: 01/07/2013 - 14:13
Posts: 1335

A scuba diver dives in the water. Would that be a scuba diver diver? Or would that make ya sound like a stutterer?

A taxi driver takes ya to a taxidermist. He then asks you, “Got skin problems?”

A neighbor’s dog pees on his neighbor’s front door. In return he pees on the dog. The neighbor sees all this and yells….

“Hey assh*le I just saw what you did!!!! You peed on my dog from your front door!!!”

The neighbor replies…

“That’ s nuthin. You should see what I left on him from my back door.”

PS.. I just made these up too. Anyone up for more? Just lemme know cuz I may not be able to stop without interventions. LOL Thumbs Up Beer

“In many things in order to truly understand the small picture you have to understand the big picture first.”

True Color Rendition (TCR)/Simplified Definition: “On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest rating, a TCR will equate to what true colors you see in sunlight vs the same object’s colors you see when illuminated with a flashlight. The closer the two are, the higher the TCR rating will be.”

The TCR Reference Standard is the Walmart Ozark Trail OT 50L , Model No. 6103.
It has a TCR rating of ‘10’. $1.00 including batteries.

nottawhackjob
Offline
Last seen: 3 hours 18 min ago
Joined: 01/07/2013 - 14:13
Posts: 1335

A warthog vigorously starts humping an elephant. The elephant turns his head back and says…..

“Hey! Are you wearing a condom?!?”

Warthog sez…..

“Why should I? I already have genital warts.”

PS. Believe it or not butt I just made that one up. I know. It’s amazing. Cool

“In many things in order to truly understand the small picture you have to understand the big picture first.”

True Color Rendition (TCR)/Simplified Definition: “On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest rating, a TCR will equate to what true colors you see in sunlight vs the same object’s colors you see when illuminated with a flashlight. The closer the two are, the higher the TCR rating will be.”

The TCR Reference Standard is the Walmart Ozark Trail OT 50L , Model No. 6103.
It has a TCR rating of ‘10’. $1.00 including batteries.

Lightbringer
Lightbringer's picture
Offline
Last seen: 52 min 41 sec ago
Joined: 08/30/2016 - 14:12
Posts: 15490
Location: nyc

Hmm, I think I’d rather deal with the 2 stuffed monkeys…

09 F9 11 02 9D 74 E3 5B D8 41 56 C5 63 56 88 C0

Pages