The Daily Joke Thread

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nottawhackjob
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Lightbringer and Boaz were on lushly forested nature hike together.

Boaz had his biggest high power multiple led lumen monster flash while Lightbringer brought his single led winky dinky mule flash.

Suddenly on the trail a huge black bear appears. On its hind legs his jaws snapping, his neck hairs standing on end.

Boaz instinctively holds down the side button to get full-turbo from his lumen monster and shines it right into the snarling bear’s eyes. Lightbringer just stood there and didn’t flinch.

The bear undeterred charges both hikers. Boaz and Lightbringer running as hard as they could neck and neck. From his galloping back Lightbringer somehow shines his mule flash into the bears eyes as he continues to haul a*s.

Boaz on the other hand is caught by the enraged bull bear and clawed down wherein his flash is bitten in half, laying there uselessly by his quivering side. Chunks of his scalp, Converse tennis shoes, and bloodied Speedos strewn all asunder. It’s an almost unimaginable scene.

The bear continues to rake Boaz stem to stern…..

“Lightbringer, Gaw’d Almighty HELP ME!!!!!!!!!

By this time Lightbringer was a safe distance up the trail looking back upon the mayhem.

Then calmly he answered Boaz…..almost in a whisper……

“How many times on these hikes did I tell ya that a bare led is better.”

PS. I didn’t make this one up. It’s been circulating for quite awhile on the Catskills stand up comedian circuit.

“In many things in order to truly understand the small picture you have to understand the big picture first.”

True Color Rendition (TCR)/Simplified Definition:

“On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest rating, a TCR will equate to what true colors you see in sunlight vs the same object’s colors you see when illuminated with a flashlight. The closer the two are, the higher the TCR rating will be.”
nottawhackjob
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A grandma and grandpa were having sex for the first time in 50 years.

The grandpa asks……

“Was it good for you too?

The grandma answers………

“It could have been except you were on top of me, I didn’ t feel a thing, and I fell asleep just like fifty years ago.”

PS. Yup ya guessed it. An original. Keep the applause down please.

“In many things in order to truly understand the small picture you have to understand the big picture first.”

True Color Rendition (TCR)/Simplified Definition:

“On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest rating, a TCR will equate to what true colors you see in sunlight vs the same object’s colors you see when illuminated with a flashlight. The closer the two are, the higher the TCR rating will be.”
justanotherguy
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Now this thread is making me sad when I click it…..

nottawhackjob
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justanotherguy wrote:
Now this thread is making me sad when I click it…..

Ok ok I’ll stop! LOL

“In many things in order to truly understand the small picture you have to understand the big picture first.”

True Color Rendition (TCR)/Simplified Definition:

“On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest rating, a TCR will equate to what true colors you see in sunlight vs the same object’s colors you see when illuminated with a flashlight. The closer the two are, the higher the TCR rating will be.”
turkeydance
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well, if we are “picking” on posters…..

Boaz’s new binoculars are so powerful
that anything less than a mile away
looks like it’s behind you.

Photon Master
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Was listening to Rodney Dangerfield yesterday while I mowed the lawn:

“My wife is the worst cook in the world. At my house, we pray after we eat.”

turkeydance
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when we went to Ireland, we murdered our way along.

we went down to Kilmary and back to Kilpatrick.
then we went to Kilkenny and stopped until
we decided to go to Kilmore.

nottawhackjob
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Ahhhhh, The Irish. LOL Thumbs Up Beer

“In many things in order to truly understand the small picture you have to understand the big picture first.”

True Color Rendition (TCR)/Simplified Definition:

“On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest rating, a TCR will equate to what true colors you see in sunlight vs the same object’s colors you see when illuminated with a flashlight. The closer the two are, the higher the TCR rating will be.”
nottawhackjob
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Jeff Bezos was climbing up the stairs to get into his rocket.

He suddenly stopped, turned around, and yelled to the launch assistant below…..

“I REALLY gotta take a !@#$ leak!!!!!!!!!”

“Sorry Mr Bezos but it’s too late! We can’t stop the launch cycle now! You’ll just have to go in your containment underwear! So sorry sir.”

CRAP!!!!!! Bezos retorted and proceeded to climb the stairs.

As the rocket made its ascent the cabin pressurization unfortunately caused his by now bloated containment underwear to violently burst.

Upon landing to the cheers of the crowd, Bezos had a sh*t eatin’ grin on his face.

“In many things in order to truly understand the small picture you have to understand the big picture first.”

True Color Rendition (TCR)/Simplified Definition:

“On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest rating, a TCR will equate to what true colors you see in sunlight vs the same object’s colors you see when illuminated with a flashlight. The closer the two are, the higher the TCR rating will be.”
turkeydance
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Geography Teacher: Where is Milwaukee?
Student: First in the NL Central.

nottawhackjob
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A middle-aged guy walks into a steamy public bath and is shocked to see the bubbly spa’s jammed full with only naked beautiful young women. Being natively shy since a boy he stood there at the edge fully clothed.

“Don’t be shy you can feel at ease! We all share something in common”, said one of the gorgeous young patrons with an alluring smile and wink. The other 14 stunning gals giggled nodding in agreement.

“You have to understand I wasn’t expecting THIS, ya know with just you gals here! I’ m in my mid forties!”

Being that he was the only male surrounded by such young beautiful naked women he thought,

“How many more unbelievable opportunities like this will come in my fading lifetime? How many more? None! That’s how many. None! Just do it”. And with that inner once-in-a lifetime convincement, he confidently disrobed proudly displaying his ample manhood, gingerly tip-toeing into the pool.

All the girls clapped, laughing, giggling, saying things like, “What a stud!”, “Atta boy!”, “You’re a hunk!”, “Oooooo la la”, “Yeaaaah baby!”

By now all shyness was completely gone. His confidence rock solid with it involuntarily beginning to show underwater.

Then he blurts out to break whatever initial tension was left within himself even further…..

“So what is that ONE thing in common we share besides I’m a MAN surrounded by such beautiful women in a public bath!” he said with a hearty joyous laugh.

One of them answers,

“We’re transvestites.”

PS. Ya know it’s REALLY REALLY hard to come up with a good original joke. How do I know? I’ve yet to come up with one. LOL Shocked

“In many things in order to truly understand the small picture you have to understand the big picture first.”

True Color Rendition (TCR)/Simplified Definition:

“On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest rating, a TCR will equate to what true colors you see in sunlight vs the same object’s colors you see when illuminated with a flashlight. The closer the two are, the higher the TCR rating will be.”
xevious
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turkeydance wrote:
when we went to Ireland, we murdered our way along.

we went down to Kilmary and back to Kilpatrick.
then we went to Kilkenny and stopped until
we decided to go to Kilmore.


And if you can believe it, they’ve a county where they dare you to Kil…
What a bloody tough place that must be to live! Facepalm
Lightbringer
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Well, in honor of Gayteenth from last month or whatever…

“Did you hear about the famous Irish homosexurals? Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.”

 

Thankfully, it’s not an original joke. LOL

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nottawhackjob
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“Thankfully, it’s not an original joke. :))”

Silly

“In many things in order to truly understand the small picture you have to understand the big picture first.”

True Color Rendition (TCR)/Simplified Definition:

“On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest rating, a TCR will equate to what true colors you see in sunlight vs the same object’s colors you see when illuminated with a flashlight. The closer the two are, the higher the TCR rating will be.”
raccoon city
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nottawhackjob wrote:

PS. Ya know it’s REALLY REALLY hard to come up with a good original joke. How do I know? I’ve yet to come up with one. LOL Shocked

Your original jokes are way better than mine!  :THUMBS-UP:

Photon Master
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Lightbringer wrote:
Well, in honor of Gayteenth from last month or whatever…

“Did you hear about the famous Irish homosexurals? Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.”

 

Thankfully, it’s not an original joke. LOL


Haha I haven’t heard that one in years. I always said Henry Fitzinpatrick

Did you hear they found the remains of a homosexual dinosaur? Megasoreass

turkeydance
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Mary said marrying for money is the last thing she would do.
she married a millionaire and hasn’t done anything since.

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car_crash 

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly. Sorry about that.” says the barman, as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just, we don't get many a ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road” explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck, and wants to learn more. But takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. The duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays up, bids the barman a good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous!” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

“Swell. I’m always looking for the next job.” says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus.” says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right.” replies the barman.

"The circus??” the duck asks again "...with, the big tent?”

"Yeah.” the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" asks the duck.

"Of course.” the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right.” says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says… "What the hell would they want with a plasterer ?!?!”

       καὶ τὸ φῶς ἐν τῇ σκοτίᾳ φαίνει καὶ ἡ σκοτία αὐτὸ οὐ κατέλαβεν

                            

       Dc-fix diffuser film  >…  http://budgetlightforum.com/node/42208

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Two drunks are daring each other to do tough macho things.

One challenged the other: “I bet you dare not claim up the beam of my flashlight here!”

The other immediately responded: “Don’t be ridiculous. I know what is in your dirty mind: Once I climb up the beam, you will just switch off the light and let me fall!!” No deal!!!

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A duck walks into a bar. The bartender says “what’ll it be?” The duck says, “do you have any duck food?” The bartender is a little annoyed and replies, “this is a bar, duck. Of course I don’t have any duck food! If you aren’t going to buy a drink, get the h*ll out of here!”

The next night the duck walks into the bar and again, he walks up to the bar and asks for some duck food. The bartender is really angry now. “listen, I told you I don’t have any damned duck food. If you ask me one more time I’m going to pick you up and nail your feet to the bar!”

The duck walks out. The next night he walks into the bar again. The bartender practically yells this time, “What do you want?!!!” The duck says, “Do you have any nails?” The bartender is taken aback… “Uhh, no I don’t have any nails…”. The duck says, “Great. Do you have any duck food?”

xevious
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nottawhackjob
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Lightbringer and Boaz are walking a downtown street at 2:00 in the morning. The bars just closed. Each is holding a mightily lit up 2000 lumen+ flashlight in both hands. One of the flashes is on strobe.

The entire street looks like a car dealer parking lot sale search light event. People walking about aghast at the commotion.

A cop drives by and sees these two staggering around wavering and flashing things all over the place. They’re knocking over trashcans, walking into trees, staggering into parked cars. It’s a scene.

HEY you TWO!!! Are you DRUNK?????!!!!!.”, the officer blurts out over the cruiser’s loudspeaker.

“No officer, we’re NOT drunk”, replies Lightbringer gathering himself for a moment.

LIKE HELL YOU“RE NOT!!! PUBLIC drunkenness is against the LAW in this town!!!! I’m about ready to HAUL BOTH OF YOU IN for disturbing the peace for starters!!!”

“Ok, ok, so I’ve had a FEW, officer. Ya see, I’m grieving me and the three girlfriends breaking up so I guess I have an excuse”, says Lightbringer trying to maintain composure.

YEAH OK sure, three girlfriends. But what about your friend THERE!!! What’s HIS excuse? HE LOOKS LIKE HE’S TOTALLY %$#!* SMASHED OUT OF HIS %$@*! MIND COMPARED TO YOU!!!!!”

Mean while all this is happening, Boaz is staggering around oblivious there’s a cruiser with a loudspeaker and lightbar.

To onlookers, Boaz must be having severe epileptic spasms. He even starts to pee himself as evidenced by his pants and trail of puddles. Jerkingly waiving his arms, following his beams and strobing up into the sky, he stumbles about with a big maniacal grin on his contorting face.

Lightbringer replies…..

“Oh, he’s NOT drunk, officer. Not at all. In fact he’s a devout teetotaler. Doesn’t touch alcohol whatsoever. He just gets like this whenever new flashlights are delivered.”

“In many things in order to truly understand the small picture you have to understand the big picture first.”

True Color Rendition (TCR)/Simplified Definition:

“On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest rating, a TCR will equate to what true colors you see in sunlight vs the same object’s colors you see when illuminated with a flashlight. The closer the two are, the higher the TCR rating will be.”
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I don’t get it.

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Apparently, Boaz acts very strangely when he gets a new flashlight.

Lightbringer
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But why’s he Amish all of a sudden? They’re not allowed to have flashlights.

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nottawhackjob
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Lightbringer wrote:
But why’s he Amish all of a sudden? They’re not allowed to have flashlights.

He’s one of them rogue Amish. Besides, you encourage him.

Ok i’ll delete the Amish. What about a UFOologist instead. Ok no good either. How about, ahhhhh forget it.

“In many things in order to truly understand the small picture you have to understand the big picture first.”

True Color Rendition (TCR)/Simplified Definition:

“On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest rating, a TCR will equate to what true colors you see in sunlight vs the same object’s colors you see when illuminated with a flashlight. The closer the two are, the higher the TCR rating will be.”
nottawhackjob
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raccoon city wrote:

Apparently, Boaz acts very strangely when he gets a new flashlight.

Not to diffuse the subject butt yeah yer onto something. Or on something, IDK. LOL Thumbs Up

“In many things in order to truly understand the small picture you have to understand the big picture first.”

True Color Rendition (TCR)/Simplified Definition:

“On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest rating, a TCR will equate to what true colors you see in sunlight vs the same object’s colors you see when illuminated with a flashlight. The closer the two are, the higher the TCR rating will be.”
nottawhackjob
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Lightbringer wrote:
I don’t get it.

Nah sure ya get it. It’s called an original sh*tty joke. Shocked LOL Beer

“In many things in order to truly understand the small picture you have to understand the big picture first.”

True Color Rendition (TCR)/Simplified Definition:

“On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest rating, a TCR will equate to what true colors you see in sunlight vs the same object’s colors you see when illuminated with a flashlight. The closer the two are, the higher the TCR rating will be.”
nottawhackjob
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Did ya hear about the gal who hated flies?

Until she opened one.

“In many things in order to truly understand the small picture you have to understand the big picture first.”

True Color Rendition (TCR)/Simplified Definition:

“On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest rating, a TCR will equate to what true colors you see in sunlight vs the same object’s colors you see when illuminated with a flashlight. The closer the two are, the higher the TCR rating will be.”

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