The Daily Joke Thread

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turkeydance
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two school jokes.

1.
Teacher: can you spell correctly?
Student: yes. i wish all words were that easy to spell.

2.
Teacher: i have went. that’s wrong, isn’t it?
Student: yeah.
Teacher: why is it wrong?
Student: ‘cause you ain’t went yet.

Ironhorse
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Amish do have and use flashlights.
They also have LED headlights on their buggies.

Photon Master
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A machinist calls his wife in the middle of the day, “Honey, I had an accident at work and I’m at the hospital.”

His wife says, “Oh my God, what happened?”

The guy says, “I got my hand stuck in the grinder and I lost my finger.”

She gasps, “The whole finger??!”

He says “no the one next to it”

Smile

nottawhackjob
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Ironhorse wrote:
Amish do have and use flashlights. They also have LED headlights on their buggies.

Sheeeiiit. And here’s LB bustin’ me substantial agates.

Silly

“In many things in order to truly understand the small picture you have to understand the big picture first.”

True Color Rendition (TCR)/Simplified Definition: “On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest rating, a TCR will equate to what true colors you see in sunlight vs the same object’s colors you see when illuminated with a flashlight. The closer the two are, the higher the TCR rating will be.”

The TCR Reference Standard is the Walmart Ozark Trail OT 50L , Model No. 6103.
It has a TCR rating of ‘10’. $1.00 including batteries.

cm64
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This Daily Joke Thread is getting ridiculous.

Boaz
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I was showing my friend my new golf ball.
"It's impossible to lose," I said. "If you hit it into the rough it sends out a GPS signal so you can track it down."
"That's great," he replied, "but what happens if you it hit into the water?"
"Simple. The ball floats to the surface and tracks its way back toward you and you just scoop it back out."
"Brilliant!" he said, "Where did you get it?"
"I found it."

       καὶ τὸ φῶς ἐν τῇ σκοτίᾳ φαίνει καὶ ἡ σκοτία αὐτὸ οὐ κατέλαβεν

                            

       Dc-fix diffuser film  >…  http://budgetlightforum.com/node/42208

Boaz
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  I was reading the newspaper this morning and saw a picture of a good friend of mine on the front page with a title saying, "45-year-old mechanic arrested for dealing drugs". I really thought I knew the guy, but I guess I was wrong. I mean, I've been a loyal customer of his for almost 7 years, and I had no idea  he was a mechanic!

       καὶ τὸ φῶς ἐν τῇ σκοτίᾳ φαίνει καὶ ἡ σκοτία αὐτὸ οὐ κατέλαβεν

                            

       Dc-fix diffuser film  >…  http://budgetlightforum.com/node/42208

Photon Master
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Did you know that it’s impossible to lose a homing pigeon? If it flies away and doesn’t come back, what you lost was a regular pigeon.

Ironhorse
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How does a polygamist hippie count his wives?

1 Mrs Hippie
2 Mrs Hippie
3 Mrs Hippie….

mattlward
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Lightbringer wrote:
helicopter: 10,000 parts flying in close formation.

Farmed for many years… always said that about a combine. Don’t know how the survive in the dirt and dust with the load on them.

EDC rotation:
FW1A, LH351D 4000k (second favorite)
FW3A, LH351D 3500k
FW3A, SST20 FD2 4000k
FW3A, Nichia 4000k sw40 r9080 (favorite light!)
FW3A, Cree XP-L Hi 5A3
Emisar D4V2, SST20 4000k
S2+, XM-L2 T6 4C

CollectEverything
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An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman walk into a bar. They all order a beer. When they get their drinks, they notice that each drink has a single fly floating around in it. The Englishman, disgusted, pushes the drink away and orders another. The Scotsman fishes out the fly and continues to drink. The Irishman however, fishes the fly out of the drink, holds it up in the air and yells, “Spit it out you ye bastard, spit it out!!”

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Collection: TN42, TN40S, Catapult V6, SP36 BLF, sc700d, sc64c LE, D4V2 CuZn, D4V2 CuTi, D4V2 Al x2, KR4 Al x2
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Wishlist: Acebeam K75, Zebralight sc600w mk IV plus, Convoy M3-C
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raccoon city
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Mine Captcha

mine_captcha

This data is actually going into improving our self-driving car project, so hurry up--it's almost at the minefield.

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The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, “It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket seats. Worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.”

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, “And, you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock ‘n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony.”

Thank you, Father,” answered the young priest. “I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.”

“Well,” said the elderly priest, “I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.”

“But, Father,” protested the young priest, “my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!”

I know, son,” replied the elderly priest, “but that flashing neon sign,
‘Toot ‘n Tell or Go To Hell’ can’t stay on the church roof.”

==
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company.

One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked,
“Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying’ a mass for the poor
creature?”

Father Patrick replied, “I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an
animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and
there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.”

Muldoon said, “I’ll go right away Father. Do ya’ think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?”
Father Patrick exclaimed,

“Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

All the Best,
Jeff

jeff51
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You can tell you are getting older when:
“One for the road”

Means peeing before you leave the house.

All the Best,
Jeff

jeff51
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Reporting from Michigan…

jeff51
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A man goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight.

His son is having a nightmare – the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK?
The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died.
The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, Auntie Susie dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight.
His son is having another nightmare – the man again wakes his son.
The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died.
The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, granddaddy dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight..
His son is having another nightmare – the man again wakes his son.
The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died.
The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.

The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.
The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die.
After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision.
He doesn’t eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning.
He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed.
He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.

Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife.

“Good God, Dear,” he claims, “I’ve just had the worst day of my entire life!”

She responds,
“You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning.”

raccoon city
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go_fish 

turkeydance
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raccoon city,
that make no sense
to us i we LOVE it.

more, please.

raccoon city
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Average Familiarity

average_familiarity

How could anyone consider themselves a well-rounded adult without a basic understanding of silicate geochemistry? Silicates are everywhere! It's hard to throw a rock without throwing one!

Rexlion
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That’s some gritty humor there. Wink

== We save the planet from darkness ==

raccoon city
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Every Data Table

every_data_table

I'm hoping 2022 is relatively normal because I don't know what symbol comes after the asterisk and the dagger.

Lightbringer
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raccoon city wrote:
I’m hoping 2022 is relatively normal because I don’t know what symbol comes after the asterisk and the dagger.

Double-dagger, ‡.

09 F9 11 02 9D 74 E3 5B D8 41 56 C5 63 56 88 C0

Quillz
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Joe is having his tires rotated at his local mechanic and noticed a sign that says “We can tell you exactly what is wrong with your car with just an oil sample from your car.” He thinks it is rubbish but decides to test it out. He goes home and decides to prank the auto mechanic to prove his theory. After filling a small bottle half full of oil he has his wife, son, and daughter pee in the bottle as well. He takes it back to the auto mechanic and waits ten minutes for the result. The mechanic comes back and tells joe , I’ve got some good news and some bad news for you. Your cars fine but your wife’s having an affair, your son’s on drugs, and your daughter’s pregnant!

Quillz

Camaro
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Wally the Walrus is driving along in Nevada when his car starts smoking under the hood. He pulls up into the next service station and a mechanic starts looking at the car.
While the mechanic is looking at the car Wally is starting to feel a little dehydrated (being a marine mammal in a hot climate). He goes to the attached Convenience Store and gets an ice-cream bar to cool down.
Having only flippers to hold the bar it is messy but it cools him down. Cooler now he goes back to the mechanic, who looks at him and says “looks like you blew a seal”.

Wally replies “nah, it was just an ice-cream bar…..”

Rexlion
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Lightbringer wrote:
raccoon city wrote:
I’m hoping 2022 is relatively normal because I don’t know what symbol comes after the asterisk and the dagger.

Double-dagger, ‡.


And after that, machete.

== We save the planet from darkness ==

raccoon city
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Projecting

This is something we all need to work on, but especially you all.
Boaz
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 A Chinese man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2100 yuan and walked out with $300. The following week, he walked in with another 2100 yuan, and was handed $276. He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week. The teller said, “Fluctuations.” The Chinese man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, “Fluc you Amelicans, too!”

       καὶ τὸ φῶς ἐν τῇ σκοτίᾳ φαίνει καὶ ἡ σκοτία αὐτὸ οὐ κατέλαβεν

                            

       Dc-fix diffuser film  >…  http://budgetlightforum.com/node/42208

turkeydance
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“I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes.
Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.”

raccoon city
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take_me_with_you

 

azj
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“Flucuations”..classic. Had to share that with a few asians I work with. All thought it funny Big Smile

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