The Daily Joke Thread

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Lightbringer
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“Euthanasia”, fooey. What about Youth in America??

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azj
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Ultra-Serial Violet C light is unpolarized, so you don't have to flip the polarizing filter over when you get the orientation wrong the first time.

I want one!

raccoon city
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hot_sauce 

jeff51
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A man was riding his Harley along a California highway, when suddenly the sky cleared above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said:
“Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”

The biker pulled over and said,
“Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.”

The Lord said,
“Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific, and the concrete and steel it would take!
It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.”

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said,
“Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”

The Lord paused for a moment…..
Then the Lord replied,
“You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?”

turkeydance
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It’s too early for hurricane jokes
wait for everything to blow over first.

A hurricane tore off a quarter of my roof.
oof.

Where do squirrels go in a hurricane?
All over the place!

Rdubya18
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Sorry to hear you had damage . Good that all are safe .

Lightbringer
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Watch out for Hurricane Karen. It destroys everything you have then demands to speak with the manager.

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jeff51
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Letter to My Pets:

When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not to switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in my way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. All other dishes are mine and contain my food.
Please note that placing your paw print in the middle of MY plate and food does not stake a claim making it YOUR plate and food.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn’t help in your quest to reach the bottom first, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this.
Do not think that I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Dogs and cats actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.
It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to one another, stretched out to the fullest extent possible.
I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.
If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge of the door and try to pull it open.
I must exit through the same door I entered. Honest.

Also, I have been using the bathroom by myself for quite some time — canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

I can’t stress this one enough — kiss me, THEN go smell the other dog’s/cat’s behind.

To pacify you, my dear companions, I have posted the following notice on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and then Complain About Our Pets —-

1. The pets live here. You don’t.
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That’s why it’s call “fur“niture.)
3. To you, our pets are just animals. To us, they are an adopted son/daughter who happens to be hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.
4. Dogs and cats are better than kids because:
—— they don’t ask for money all the time
—— they are easier to train
—— they usually come when called
—— they don’t hang out with drug-using friends
—— they don’t need a gazillion dollars for a college education, and
—— if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.

All the Best,
Jeff

raccoon city
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flapjack 

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Why are Hurricanes named after women?

They blow into your life. Whip things up and usually take the house and the car with them when they leave!

Too soon? Smile

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But is was only from the 50’s to maybe the 80’s that only female names were used in the US.

NeutralFan
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turkeydance wrote:
“I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.”

Good one!!!

I’d rather use my flashlight around the house than turn on the lights.

jeff51
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The Darwin awards – You can’t make this stuff up…

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked…..

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef’s claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer…$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

7. A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, “FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A F*** UP!” For a moment, everyone was silent. Then it started. The security guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he’d been about to draw his gun. He couldn’t have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, “Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a F***-up!”

8. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder-block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder-block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder-block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

9. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”

10. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!

11. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had.

turkeydance
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questions:

1. what if UFO’s are just billionaires from other planets?
2. did you know you can get drunk on water as you can on land?
3. cna yuo raed tihs? azanmig, huh?

Rexlion
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There are two ways of arguing with a woman.
.
.
Neither one works.

== We save the planet from darkness ==

Rexlion
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Did you hear about the chef who invented a new dish? He combined alphabet soup and a laxative.
.
.
It’s called, “Letter Rip.”

== We save the planet from darkness ==

Rexlion
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Do you know why you often hear birds singing in the morning?
.
It’s because they don’t have to go to work!

== We save the planet from darkness ==

Rexlion
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A guy wanted to save some money to buy a pound of marijuana. So he went to the bank and asked to open a joint account.

== We save the planet from darkness ==

raccoon city
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Post #2000!

(at the moment.)

turkeydance
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“I like rice. Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2,000 of something.”

xevious
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turkeydance wrote:
“I like rice. Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2,000 of something.”
This… I like. Beer
raccoon city
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I'm a news junkie, and for at least a week, the news in America has been all about 9/11, which is understandable.

I thought of this joke today...

 

I wonder how many Middle-Easterners have been treated poorly since 9/11/2001.

Thanks, Osama.

 

(Of course it's not completely Osama Bin Laden's fault, but it's just a joke.)  :-)

flyboy
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An old-time author, whose name I can’t remember, had a character in one of his books named Lispin’ Sam. He was a ne’er do well, but one day he saved a child from drowning. The town was grateful and wanted to have a celebration in his honor. It embarrassed Sam, and he told them; “Aw, don’t make tho much of it…it’s the firtht decent thing I done thinth I robbed a lawyer!”

It Is A Fine and Pleasant Madness

turkeydance
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xevious…it is an old Mitch Hedberg joke.

here is another:
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means… it’s dirty.

lots more:
https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/mitch_hedberg_297472

xevious
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turkeydance wrote:
xevious…it is an old Mitch Hedberg joke.

here is another:
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means… it’s dirty.

lots more:
https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/mitch_hedberg_297472


Mitch Hedberg was a strange guy. REALLy strange. I wonder if his style of comedy would’ve survived if he lived on… I still wonder at times if Steven Wright still tries to start his house with the car keys. Wink

Today I had some fun modifying an old Dr. Seuss book cover…

turkeydance
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Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they’d each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy’s 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat…..and nearly drowned!

Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother .

“Grandma,” he asked, “Tis me 18th birthday, so why can’t I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?”

Granny looked deeply into Paddy’s, troubled blue eyes and said, “Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fookin idiot!”.

xevious
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^ LOL Big Smile LOL Big Smile

Lightbringer
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turkeydance wrote:
Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

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When I was very young I thought I had a Japanese friend...... But it was just my imagine Asian.

 

On the top of Mt. Fuji, a Japanese asked the local wise man: "Master Akira, why do western men think that we Japanese all look alike?"

 

     " I am not Master Akira."

       καὶ τὸ φῶς ἐν τῇ σκοτίᾳ φαίνει καὶ ἡ σκοτία αὐτὸ οὐ κατέλαβεν

                            

       Dc-fix diffuser film  >…  http://budgetlightforum.com/node/42208

turkeydance
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in my research of Baubo/Iambe jokes, i have found none.
lots references to the jokes, but not one actual joke.
if you know of one, please post it.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Iambe

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