The Daily Joke Thread

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Boaz
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 I don't know about Lamb jokes . But I do know a few lame ones ....

 

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop.

The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.

When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.

The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.

After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell,
then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step.

He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door.

He does this again and again. No answer.

So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.

A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.

The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing?

This dog's a genius!"

The owner responds, "Genius, my ass.........

It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!"
 
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 

 

A Rabbi ,a priest and a minister  decide to go out into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. A few days later, the the priest and the minister bump into each other at the hospital, where each person is being treated for their particular injuries. They then tell each other about their experience.

The priest has a few minor bruises and injuries, and he starts by saying, "I did it! So I found a bear and started reading to it from the Catechism. However, he didn't seem to want to hear, and started attacking me. I sprinkled some holy water on him, and all of a sudden, he was there, tame as a lamb. We spent the rest of the afternoon reading from the bible."

The minister's injuries are a bit worse, with a sling on his arm and many scratches on his body. "I too succeeded in converting the bear. I read to him from the Holy Bible, but he didn't seem to want to hear it. He began fighting and wrestling me, and I managed to dunk his head in the river and baptize him, and he became tame as a lamb. We spent the rest of the afternoon praising Jesus."

As both of them were about to leave, they spot a gurney being wheeled to the emergency room. On it is the rabbi, who was in very bad shape. He had multiple broken bones, bite marks all over his body, and many nasty scratches. He then recognizes his friends and tells them, "Maybe I shouldn't have started with circumcision."

       καὶ τὸ φῶς ἐν τῇ σκοτίᾳ φαίνει καὶ ἡ σκοτία αὐτὸ οὐ κατέλαβεν

                            

       Dc-fix diffuser film  >…  http://budgetlightforum.com/node/42208

Boaz
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   Two sheep herders are flying the herd to a new farm. Suddenly, the engine fails and the plane begins to fall quickly to the ground.

“Quick! Grab a parachute and jump!,” said the first herder

“What about the sheep?”, said the second herder

“Screw the sheep!” the first herder replied 

   “Do you think we have time??”

       καὶ τὸ φῶς ἐν τῇ σκοτίᾳ φαίνει καὶ ἡ σκοτία αὐτὸ οὐ κατέλαβεν

                            

       Dc-fix diffuser film  >…  http://budgetlightforum.com/node/42208

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Yes, it is funny. But I (am an Asian, too!) had to re-read the joke to figure out why the Chinese went out of the currency exchange shop and screamed the way he did.

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 I failed math so many times at school, I can’t even count.

 

 If life gives you melons...you might be dyslexic.

 

My father has schizophrenia, but he’s good people.

 

 Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.

 

Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

 

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool.  I gave him a glass of water.

 

 A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

 

 I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.

 

Two wifi engineers got married. The reception was fantastic.

 

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says, ‘Uno, dos…” and poof! He disappeared without a tres.

 

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

 

Our dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.

 

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person so I can get a better girlfriend.”

 

I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo.

 

I was so poor growing up that if I wasn’t a boy I wouldn’t have had anything to play with.

 

“Isn’t it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.”

 

They say nothing’s impossible ..but I’ve been doing nothing all day long .

 

“Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.”

 

       καὶ τὸ φῶς ἐν τῇ σκοτίᾳ φαίνει καὶ ἡ σκοτία αὐτὸ οὐ κατέλαβεν

                            

       Dc-fix diffuser film  >…  http://budgetlightforum.com/node/42208

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A T-800 terminator walks into a bar.

Bartender asks, “What’ll it be, bud?”.

T-800 replies, “Shots faw everybody.”

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A man walks into a psychiatrist office wearing nothing but saran wrap .

The Psychiatrist look up at him and says . I can clearly see you’re nuts

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A lady walks into a pet store

She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO The lady asks the pet shop owner, “Why so cheap?”
The owner says “This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things.”
The lady can’t pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway.
She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is “Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn’t bad looking.”
The lady finds it amusing. Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says “New babes in the house, business will be booming tonight.”
The girls are shocked but laugh it off. A few hours later the woman’s husband gets home and the bird says “Hey Jim.”

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Three guys walking down the street.

First guy walks into a bar.

Second guy walks into a bar.

Third guy ducks.

09 F9 11 02 9D 74 E3 5B D8 41 56 C5 63 56 88 C0

xevious
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turkeydance wrote:
A lady walks into a pet store

She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO The lady asks the pet shop owner, “Why so cheap?”
The owner says “This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things.”
The lady can’t pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway.
She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is “Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn’t bad looking.”
The lady finds it amusing. Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says “New babes in the house, business will be booming tonight.”
The girls are shocked but laugh it off. A few hours later the woman’s husband gets home and the bird says “Hey Jim.”


Hah! I love it. Big Smile LOL
turkeydance
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an *expensive * parrot joke:

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one.
The man asks, ‘‘How much is the yellow one?’‘ The assistant says, ‘’$2000.’‘ The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it’s so expensive.
The assistant explains, ‘‘This parrot is a very special one. He has keyboard skills and can type really fast.’‘ ‘‘What about the green one?’‘ the man asks.
The assistant says, ‘‘He costs $5000 because he can type and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.’‘ ‘‘What about the red one?’‘ the man asks.
The assistant says, ‘‘That one’s $10,000.’‘ The man says, ‘‘What does HE do?’‘ The assistant says, ‘‘Not much of anything, but the other two call him Boss.’‘

jeff51
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Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a golden screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do. Like it or not, he was stuck with it.

All the years of growing up was real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house and thus, never made any friends.

One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet that could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day he took all of his life’s savings and bought a ticket to Nepal.

After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. He was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed.

The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window, bearing in its mist, a golden screwdriver. In just moments, the screw-driver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.

The next morning when the boy woke, he saw the golden screw laying on the
pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there!

Jubilant, he leaped out of bed, and his butt fell off.

The moral to this is
Don’t screw around with things you don’t understand — you could lose your ass

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Wow. Just… wow.

 

Jean J.
1.0 out of 5 stars
My canisters do not have a measuring cup.
Reviewed in the United States on January 5, 2020
Verified Purchase
Tang itself is o.k. Its the same as it was 25 years ago. Actually I purchased the the twin 72 packages for the plastic lids, I feed my cats treats on the plastic lids that is at the top of the Tang can. So I emptied the cans of tang into another container. I was going to make a container tang for ourselves. There was no little measuring cup in either can of tang, so I was stuck without knowing how much to use for my tang drink. I figured I could find out on the internet the cups per quart that I would need. Dont bother looking, I don’t think you will find out what you need to find a recipe for the a pint, quart, gallon. I just took my two 72 oz containers and dumped them into the toilet. It was hard to dissolve and I had to get the toilet brush to muck it around. Anyway Tang…..It takes years to gain a customer….It takes a second to loose that customer. Take care

 

“Okay, so I buy a coupla jumbo containers of Tang, they don’t have the little measuring-cups/-scoops inside, it’s absolutely beyond my intelligence to experiment with a cup of water and a spoon to see how much of the stuff is needed to suit my taste, can’t even look it up online, so just for spite, I dump both containers down the toilet and leave a 1-star review.”

And these people vote.

 

(from https://www.amazon.com/dp/B002WWNLB4 )

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xevious
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Sometimes it’s hard to know what’s real anymore these days…
Disinformation abounds.
With people like this, always check what else they’ve reviewed. It can be very revealing.

raccoon city
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Lightbringer wrote:

And these people vote.

I don't know how you found my review, but that's me.  :BEER:

Yes, my name is Jean J., but I don't vote.

(I don't want jury duty.)  ;)

Lightbringer
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It’s… Tang.

I was just curious, because when my local supermarket has it on sale, it’s 4bux for 2 of the 20oz containers, and 9bux for a jumbo container of unknown size. But Tang comes in 20oz, ~60oz, and 72oz containers as I looked ‘em up.

Just browsing through the reviews (some are downright amusing, like the sugarless Harabo gummybears), and came across that.

 

Fwiw, the 20oz plastic containers have measurements right on the inside of the cap itself, a “fill-line” for the powder to make a quart or whatever. (Great reusable containers for things like salt, farina, etc.)

The bigger ones look just like regular cardboard tubes like breadcrumbs come in. And this genius can’t figure out how much to use, which is likely printed right on the back of the can itself.

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Lightbringer
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raccoon city wrote:
I don’t know how you found my review, but that’s me.

Please tell me you’re joking… Shocked

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raccoon city
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Lightbringer wrote:

Please tell me you’re joking… Shocked

Okay, okay.

I'm just kidding around.

I'm not a big fan of the Tang beverage, but I wouldn't waste it.  :-)

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I asked my husband, “If I were to die first, would you remarry?”
He said “Well, I’m in good health, so why not?”

I asked him, “Would she live in my house?”
He said, “It’s all paid for, so yes.”

I asked, “Would she drive my car?”
He replied, “It’s new, so yes.”

I asked, “Would she use my golf clubs?”
He said, “Why no honey, she’s left-handed.”
And THAT’s how the fight started!

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why was the butterfly
not invited to the dance?

it was a mothball.

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To think, Louis and Marie Antoinette almost won the French Revolution.

They were neck and neck.

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chowder 

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Just In Time
A cop was on night patrol driving up near lover’s lookout when he noticed a parked car with a young man reading on the front seat and a young woman knitting on the back seat. He pulled over and walked up to their car. “What are you doing, Son?” the cop asked. “Reading,” the young man answered. The cop shone his flashlight on the back seat. “And what is she doing?” “She’s knitting,” the young man answered. “How old are you?” the cop asked suspiciously. “I’m twenty one,” the man answered. “And how old is she?” the cop asked. The young man looked at his watch, “In forty five minutes she’ll be eighteen.”

“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.” —Abraham Lincoln

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Boaz wrote:

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool.  I gave him a glass of water.


This is a good one Big Smile

The Journal of Alternative Facts TM

"It is critical that there is a credible academic source for the growing and important discipline of alternative facts. This field of study will just keep winning, and we knew that all the best people would want to be on board. There is a real risk in the world today that people might be getting their information about science from actual scientists"

 

 

 

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in light of the on-going “shortages” in the US, here is an OLD one from the USSR:

A man walks into a shop.
He asks the clerk, “You don’t have any meat?”
The clerk says, “No, here we don’t have any fish.
The shop that doesn’t have any meat is across the street.”

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William Shatner and three other people went to space today. They had to fly the rocket a little higher than normal to ensure that Bill would achieve full weightlessness.

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- Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. 

     But teach a man to fish, and you saved yourself a fish.

 

 

       καὶ τὸ φῶς ἐν τῇ σκοτίᾳ φαίνει καὶ ἡ σκοτία αὐτὸ οὐ κατέλαβεν

                            

       Dc-fix diffuser film  >…  http://budgetlightforum.com/node/42208

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I told my wife that I was attracted to Beyonce.

She said “Whatever floats your boat”.

I said “No, That’s BUOYANCY!”

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jump start on Halloween….

What goes around a haunted house and never stops?
A fence.

Who are the werewolf’s cousins?
The what-wolf and the when-wolf.

Why couldn’t the ghost see its mom and dad?
Because they were trans-parents!

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