The Daily Joke Thread

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Bwana
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A man approaches a woman in a bar.
He says to her, excuse me but you remind me of my pinky toe!

She asks – Why? because I am so tiny and cute?

He says no, it’s because I’ll probably bang you on my coffee table later when I am drunk !

xevious
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jeff51 wrote:
“That’s the problem with you Protestants, you can’t tell the difference between a blessing and the Last Rights.”
All the Best, Jeff
LOL good one, Jeff!
jeff51
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Are you ready for kids? Take the Test!

Mess Test:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Toy Test:
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Lego’s (you may substitute roofing tacks if you wish). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold and take off shoes. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

Grocery Store Test:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

Feeding Test:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Night Test:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00pm, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00am. Set alarm for 5:00am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Ingenuity Test:
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

Automobile Test:
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the CD player. Take a family-size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a rake along both side of the car. There, perfect!

Physical Test: (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Then remove the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won’t be wearing them for a while.

Physical Test: (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time

All the Best,
Jeff

raccoon city
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@jeff51:

I am not ready for kids, and never will be...

And that is why I got a vasectomy!  :O

raccoon city
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I think this one is pretty epic, though it's not the funniest xkcd comic...

 

 

Greatest Scientist

greatest_scientist

"Ow! One of the petri dishes I left on the tower railing fell and hit me on the head! Hey, that gives me an idea..."

Muto
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You make up the joke, only rule is the punch line must be either;

Bitcoin
or
Tesla
or
Both

LOL

Somewhere P.T. Barnum is laughing his azz off.

The difference between Hoarding and Collecting is the illusion of Organization
.
.“I will get one of flashlight from patrol car”

“History doesn’t repeat itself, but it sometimes rhymes,” Mark Twain

After the Apocalypse there will be only 2 things left alive, Cockroaches and Keith Richards

flashburn
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A fat man without legs and arms comes to the ninepins alley. “I’d like to bowl a round.”

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Muto wrote:
You make up the joke, only rule is the punch line must be either; Bitcoin or Tesla or Both LOL Somewhere P.T. Barnum is laughing his azz off.

 

 You will be able to buy an electric car with bitcoin but to run it you have to add quarters .

                 υμεις εστε το φως του κοσμου ου δυναται πολις κρυβηναι επανω ορους κειμενη

                            Dc-fix diffuser film  >…  http://budgetlightforum.com/node/42208

flashburn
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A burglar enters a house and finds a parrot sitting on a rack in the lounge.
The parrot says: “Stop it and just leave. Jesus is watching you.”
The burglar ignores the parrot and continues looting around the room.
The parrot insists: “Stop it and just leave. Jesus is watching you.”
The burglar laughs “You are a very christian little bird”, while a giant guard dog approaches from behind the sofa, growling and baring its large pointed teeth.
“Jesus!”, he shouts in fear.
“I told you, Jesus is watching you…”

Bwana
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A man walks into a psychiatrist office wearing nothing but Saran wrap.

The psychiatrist looks at him and says – I can clearly see your nuts !

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My wife asked me to get 6 cans of Sprite from the store.
I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up.

flashburn
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A man comes to the bakery. “Good morning. 10 bread rolls, please.”
The blonde salesgirl whispers conspiratively: “At your position, I’d take only nine. That way you save money and can easily buy one more.”

azj
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Bwana wrote:
A man walks into a psychiatrist office wearing nothing but Saran wrap.

The psychiatrist looks at him and says – I can clearly see your nuts !


Reminds me of one…

A psychiatrist is going through the ward and checking the patients….

Room #1 is watching TV normally.. “How are you doing today?”, “Quite well thanks, I love this show!” .. Dr notes – Pt can be released in a week
Room #2 is finger painting…there’s paint everywhere…walls, curtains, ceiling.. “How are you doing today?”, “Good, how do you like my painting?” .. Dr notes – Pt might get released in a month

Room #3 is naked except for a bowl of nuts on his privates: … “ Erm…How are you doing today?”, “I’m f’in nuts! I aint never gettin outta here!”

One Bulb to rule them all,
One Bulb to blind them,
One Bulb to bring them all,
and put the darkness behind them

jeff51
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The recent inflation and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element has been named “Governmentium”. Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take over four days to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration! This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.

It is also interesting to note that when catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium- an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

All the Best,
Jeff

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A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what’s your problem?”
Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!”
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.

She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3 × 3?”
Harry: “9.”

Principal: “What is 6 × 6?”
Harry: “36.”

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.”

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions.”
The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”
Harry, after a moment: “Legs.”

Ms. Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: “Pockets.”

Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Harry: “Pants.”

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?”
Harry: “Coconut.”
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”
The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Harry replied, “Bubble gum.”

Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?”
Harry: “Shake hands.”
The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?”
Harry: “Firetruck.”

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
“Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last SEVEN QUESTIONS WRONG!!!!!

All the Best,
Jeff

manithree
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jeff51 wrote:
… This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass …

Love it.

Man, inflation is bad.

“How bad is it?”

It’s so bad, just today I got in the mail a pre-declined credit card.

jeff51
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Sven and Olaf worked together in a Minnesota factory and both were laid off. Soooo.
So…dey went to the Unemployment Office togedder.

Asked his occupation, Olaf said,
“Panty Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto da ladies cotton panties.”

The clerk looked up Panty Stitcher.
Finding it classified as Unskilled Labor, she gave Olaf $300 a week in unemployment compensation.

Sven, when asked his occupation replied, “Diesel Fitter”.
The clerk looked up Diesel Fitter and it was classified as a skilled job.
So, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week in unemployment compensation.

When Olaf found this out, he was furious!
He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his benefits.
The clerk explained,
“Panty Stitchers are unskilled labor and Diesel Fitters are skilled labor.”

“Vat skill? yelled Olaf. “I sew da elastic on da panties. Olaf puts dem over his head and says,
“Yah, — DIESEL FITTER”.

(If you don’t understand a word of this, then you’re not Swedish or from Minnesota!)

All the Best,
Jeff

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Bort
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manithree wrote:
jeff51 wrote:
… This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass …

It’s so bad, just today I got in the mail a pre-declined credit card.


You win the internet LOL

The Journal of Alternative Facts

"It is critical that there is a credible academic source for the growing and important discipline of Alternative Facts. This field of study will just keep winning, and we knew that all the best people would want to be on board. There is a real risk in the world today that people might be getting their information about science from actual scientists."

 

Rexlion
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Muto wrote:
You make up the joke, only rule is the punch line must be either;

Bitcoin
or
Tesla
or
Both

I tried to tell two jokes yesterday. Guess which one bombed? Both.

See, the punch line is “both.” Wink

== We save the planet from darkness ==

Rexlion
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Did you hear about the website Jeff made for orphans?

It has no home page.

== We save the planet from darkness ==

Rexlion
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Last week my wife asked me to hand her the lipstick.
I accidentally handed her a glue stick.
It’s been a whole week and she still isn’t talking to me.

== We save the planet from darkness ==

raccoon city
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Bort
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Beta you say

The Journal of Alternative Facts

"It is critical that there is a credible academic source for the growing and important discipline of Alternative Facts. This field of study will just keep winning, and we knew that all the best people would want to be on board. There is a real risk in the world today that people might be getting their information about science from actual scientists."

 

Muto
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Rexlion wrote:
Last week my wife asked me to hand her the lipstick. I accidentally handed her a glue stick. It’s been a whole week and she still isn’t talking to me.

Like that one!

The difference between Hoarding and Collecting is the illusion of Organization
.
.“I will get one of flashlight from patrol car”

“History doesn’t repeat itself, but it sometimes rhymes,” Mark Twain

After the Apocalypse there will be only 2 things left alive, Cockroaches and Keith Richards

Rexlion
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The other day I childproofed my house.
.
It didn’t work. They still got back in.

== We save the planet from darkness ==

turkeydance
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Someone stole my flashlight.
I’m not annoyed.
I’m delighted.

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Corporate Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.”
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?”

“It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says,
“Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time.
You may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
All the Best,
Jeff

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Rexlion wrote:
The other day I childproofed my house.
.
It didn’t work. They still got back in.
Thumbs Up
Sneaky little devils…
All the Best,
Jeff
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A Woman was flying from Seattle to San Francisco.

Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way.
The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind.
The pilot noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said,
“Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?”
The blind lady replied, “No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs.”

Now Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!

The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.
People scattered.
They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

True story (or at least internet story true)…
Things aren’t always as they appear.
All the Best,
Jeff

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