The Daily Joke Thread

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Lightbringer
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jeff51 wrote:
I had one guy ask me to teach him how to fix systems.

I was nearly too dumbfounded to come up with an answer.

I mean he wanted me to hire him then teach him 20 years of experience.

So then he could go out on his own.

Wellp, he could go out on his own… in 20yrs.

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Sidney Stratton
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Not knowing his disposition (arrogant or naive), he did entertain some fellowship. I had to endure some assigned idiot without any mechanical or security concepts and was told he was to be my helper – ‘teach him the ropes’. Left me dangling in a nacelle (boom lift) some 25’ up as he took off for his lunch break.

I did manage to climb down and what followed was no joke.

flashburn
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Did you pump up his feet so he had to fly head-down, home to the shitpile he was born in?

flashburn
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Adam, in a coffee bar he suddenly encounters his old friend Joe from long times past.
They’ve lost contact to each other long before social network apps came up.
As they chatted on this and everything, they found out they were nearly neigours, living just two blocks apart.
Joe invided Adam to visit his place and explained to him:
“I live in the fourth floor, appartment 34.
Just type the code 344 into the door lock keypad with your nose.
Then use your foot to open the door, The elevator can be called using the elbow to press the button.
Again use your nose to type in number four.
Once you reach the fourth floor, exit the elevator, turn ninety degrees left and walk carefully on until you hit the door.
You may as well use your foot to knock and I will open ASAP.”
Adam was puzzled about the detailed description how he had to operate items on his way to Joe’s place, but he decided to precisely take notes, just in case.
After a bit of ongoing chatting, Adam could not hold back:
“Joe, there’s something I need to know. Why do have to I follow such a precise procedure to visit your place?”

“Well, after such a long time we had not seen each other, you will not come with bare hands, will you?”

raccoon city
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Proxy Variable

Proxy Variable
"Our work has produced great answers. Now someone just needs to figure out which questions they go with."
flashburn
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A man comes home in the evening, tired from a whole day of hard work.
As he unlocks and opens the front door he finds the hallway and the stairwell in pitch-black darkness. The light does not work.
No, not again a power blackout, he thinks. Without electricity even the elevator will not work and he lives on the eighth floor.
Really pissed and exhausted he tows himself up the stairs, always with one hand at the handrail to have at least a bit of orientation in the darkness.
As he reaches the eighth floor, he hears a cute little voice: “I’ll do you a blow-job for a cigarette.”
Surprised and overwhelmed by the offer, he thinks this could only be the sweet nymphomaniac next door he always had an eye on.
“Ok.”
They fumble out the the thing in the darkness and do the work.
A very hot one.
After they finished, he takes a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and hands it over towards the invisible.
“Do you have fire.”
“Sure.”
As he starts the lighter, he recognizes the face of his teenage daughter.
“What?”,
he yells, obviously surprised and rageous,
“You smoke?”

raccoon city
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This one is more interesting/weird than funny...

 

Omnitaur

"My parents were both omnitaurs, which is how I got interested in recombination," said the normal human.

xevious
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Lightbringer wrote:
BTS is one of my fave comedy flicks. Rodney totally rocked it.

BTS was surprisingly good. While RD was tops in Caddyshack, I didn’t think he had the acting chops to pull off BTS. But he did a terrific job. And Sam Kinison was a pleasant surprise. Of course, the whole yelling thing in his comedy act was beginning to get overplayed, but here it fit in so well. Kinison is such a sad story. He was evolving his act and was arguably at a new peak when he was tragically killed by a 17 year old drunk driver. Kinison… was not wearing a seatbelt. His wife survived and based on the impact, Sam likely would’ve made it had he been wearing a seatbelt in his ’89 Pontiac Turbo Trans Am.
flashburn
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What is really dangerous?

Sneezing with diarrhea.

flashburn
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Wife: “Do these jeans make me fat?”
Husband: “Don’t know. I wouldn’t eat them.”

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this one made me smile during lunch today….

It’s difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato.

—Lewis Grizzard

manithree
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turkeydance wrote:

It’s difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato.

—Lewis Grizzard

I used to visit my grandparents to read Lewis in the Atlanta Constitution (my family didn’t subscribe) when I was a kid.

Quote:
Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche
Quote:
In the south there’s a difference between ‘Naked’ and ‘Nekkid.’ ‘Naked’ means you don’t have any clothes on. ‘Nekkid’ means you don’t have any clothes on and you’re up to somethin’.

— Lewis Grizzard

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1911A Dog’s Diary

7am – Oh Boy! Breakfast! My favorite!
9am – Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
10am – Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!
11am – Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
Noon – Oh Boy! A nap! My favorite!
1pm – Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!
3pm – Oh Boy! Animal Planet! My favorite!
4pm – Oh Boy! Dinner! My favorite!
5pm – Oh Boy! Grandma! My favorite!
7pm – Oh Boy! Playing with my “teddy”! My favorite!
9pm – Oh Boy! Sleeping in Daddy’s bed! My favorite!

A Cat’s Diary

Day 183 of my captivity…
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, is the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.

Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair; must try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and commented about what a good little kitty I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was because of my power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously an idiot. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only
a matter of time…

All the Best,
Jeff

jeff51
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Police Response Time.
A supposed true story…
George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked,
Is someone in your house?” and he said no.
Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said,
Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed.
Well, you don’t have to worry about them now cause I’ve just shot them all.” Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence.
Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George:
“I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

George said,
“I thought you said there was nobody available!”

All the Best,
Jeff

Lightbringer
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To avoid being charged yourself for a false 911 call, simply record them on video.

“I thought you said you shot them!”

“I did… on video.”

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 FBI reveals items found in trumps safe during the Mara logo raid . 

I can't believe it took them this long to let us see what they were really looking for  .

                 υμεις εστε το φως του κοσμου ου δυναται πολις κρυβηναι επανω ορους κειμενη

                            Dc-fix diffuser film  >…  http://budgetlightforum.com/node/42208

raccoon city
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Sculder & Mully!  :BEER:

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What a relief, they didn’t find his secret stash of cheeseburgers!

== We save the planet from darkness ==

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Rexlion wrote:
What a relief, they didn’t find his secret stash of cheeseburgers!

Are you suggesting he is playing “hide the burger” with his backdoor fridge?

You are a flashaholic if you are forced to come out of the closet, to make room for more flashlights.

raccoon city
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raccoon city
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Age Milestone Privileges

Age Milestone Privileges
If you reach 122, you get complete unrevertible editorial control over Jeanne Calment's Wikipedia article.
Rexlion
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By any chance is the “God-Empress” named Hillary? Smile

== We save the planet from darkness ==

raccoon city
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Rexlion wrote:

By any chance is the “God-Empress” named Hillary? Smile

Maybe her name is Melania?  :THUMBS-UP:

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raccoon city wrote:
Age Milestone Privileges! https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/age_milestone_privileges.png!

The age of 25 renting a car reminded me of this gag:

1999 Toyota Corolla – Fine AF

Quote:

Let’s talk about features.
Bluetooth: nope
Sunroof: nope
Fancy wheels: nope
Rear view camera: nope…but it’s got a transparent rear window and you have a !@#$ neck that can turn.

Things this car is old enough to do:
Vote: yes
Consent to sex: yes
Rent a car: it IS a car

https://www.craigslist.org/about/best/hou/6565526716.html

The Journal of Alternative Facts

"It is critical that there is a credible academic source for the growing and important discipline of Alternative Facts. This field of study will just keep winning, and we knew that all the best people would want to be on board. There is a real risk in the world today that people might be getting their information about science from actual scientists."

 

Rexlion
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raccoon city wrote:

Rexlion wrote:

By any chance is the “God-Empress” named Hillary? Smile

Maybe her name is Melania?  alt=:" />


I think mine was more humorous. Party

== We save the planet from darkness ==

NorthernHarrier
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Rexlion wrote:
raccoon city wrote:

Rexlion wrote:

By any chance is the “God-Empress” named Hillary? Smile

Maybe her name is Melania?  alt=:" />

I think mine was more humorous. Party

I really don’t care, do U?

"However vast the darkness, we must supply our own light." - Stanley Kubrick

Rexlion
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NorthernHarrier wrote:
Rexlion wrote:
raccoon city wrote:

Rexlion wrote:

By any chance is the “God-Empress” named Hillary? Smile

Maybe her name is Melania?  alt=:" />

I think mine was more humorous. Party

I really don’t care, do U?

Since this is the joke thread, yeah I really do!

But hey, like one old fella told me, “all a steer can do is try.” Wink

== We save the planet from darkness ==

NorthernHarrier
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It’s OK. Most people failed to understand Melania’s joke – myself included.

"However vast the darkness, we must supply our own light." - Stanley Kubrick

raccoon city
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Rexlion wrote:

I think mine was more humorous. ^:)

That was a joke?

You could have fooled me.

It looks like you were just needlessly bringing up controversial politics on a forum that discourages that anywhere on the forum.

I mean, you literally bring up controversial politics more than anyone else on BLF.  :BEER:

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I thought it was Hillarious. 🤡🤡🤡

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