That does sound like something a raccoon would say doesn’t it?
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He might respond to “Rabbit”. Or if you hand him a nice shiny blicky.
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Okay, okay, I admit it.
I’m not a human.
I’m a raccoon.
That whole thing about Resident Evil is just my cover story.
I went to that liquor store in Virginia and I partied hard!
I got locked up, until I sobered up, but then they let me go after that, and now I’m back home. 
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Skinwalker tanuki spotted!!! GRAB YOUR TORCHES AND PITCHFORKS!
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Being a sentient raccoon has its rights and responsibilities, unfortunately you now need to find a job to make restitution for the damage caused and alcohol consumed.
That said a gofundme is also possible. I can imagine many would contribute a few bucks to cover the costs incurred by the only known sentient raccoon.
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