A man in a bar is approached by a working girl. She asks him: “fancy some 83.49 ?”.
The man replies:" what’s 83.49 ?". She answers: “my accountant has told me to up my rate with 21% VAT” .
Truth in advertising, at least! 
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What do you call an ultra-wealthy trash panda?
A tycoon!
I just got a new SUV with a HD 10" screen on on the dash.
As soon as I put in reverse, it showed me a video of a guy getting run over.
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Why did the flashlight modder break up with his girlfriend? She said his nights were too bright, but he just wanted to emitter a little more lumens into their relationship.
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A noob walks into a budgetlightforum thread with a stock Convoy. The veteran modder laughs, “That driver’s pushing 1A? Let’s swap it for a FET, add some 7135s, and watch it moon the neighbors!”
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Why don’t flashlight modders play poker? Too many bad hands with Nichia 219Cs—great tints but they always fold under high amps, leaving you with a hot, blue mess.
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An LED enthusiast takes his modded Zebralight to a dark alley. A mugger jumps out: “Hand over the light!” He clicks it on—full flood XHP70.2—and the thief yells, “Okay, now gimme sunglasses!”
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Why did the modder refuse to date the laser pointer? She was too focused and one-dimensional; he needed a floody beam pattern with high CRI for those intimate tailgating nights.
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A group of modders at a meetup: One brings a custom copper Noctigon, another a bisected Thrower King. The newbie shows his AliExpress special. They all chuckle, “Nice host, but did you reflow that XP-L HI yourself, or just trust the factory’s thermal paste?”
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I asked a grocery store worker where they kept the canned peaches. He said, “I’ll see,” and walked away.
I then asked another and she said, “I’ll see,” and walked away.
In the end, I gave up and found them myself, in Aisle C.
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Those were the eling peaches you were snacking on? 
This one kinda blew my mind… 
Chemical Formula
Some of the atoms in the molecule are very weakly bound.
Guy goes to walk into a bar, but a dog is blocking the door. Guy says “move”.
Dog says “Not so fast, bub, we can split a pile of money if you take me in with you and bet on me being able to talk.” So he does.
But the dog just cocks his head when told to speak inside. Bartender and regulars take his money, laugh, guy is really mad.
Back outside, he threatens the dog, who says “Wise up, chump. Think of the odds we’ll get tomorrow night.”
(just a reminder about the Westminster Dog Show and the Puppy Bowl coming up)
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Just don’t goggle “hobby dogging”… 
Groundhog Day Meaning
Originally, the ceremony used a variety of rodents and mustelids, but over time most people agreed it made sense to standardize on a specific individual ground squirrel in Pennsylvania.
Does anyone know a good Groundhog Day joke?
I keep hearing the same one over and over again.
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