The day after completing a 9 day Vipassana retreat, Dave turns up for work at the Zoo. Seeing how chilled out Dave is, the head keeper puts him in charge of the tortoise enclosure. Dave slowly walks over to the cages. At lunch time, the head keeper checks on Dave only to see the cage door is wide open and all the tortoises gone!

He runs up to Dave and asks, “What happened with the tortoises?”

“Well…”, said Dave very slowly, “I… opened… the… tortoise… cage… door… and… it… was…, like…,

Whoosh!”

Ajahn Brahm

meine Witze nie zuvor in der Vergangenheit gelesen wurde

A pilot is flying three people in a private plane - a Tibetan lama, and Bill Gates (the smartest man in the world), and a hippie.
Suddenly the pilot announces to his three passengers: “I have bad news for you. The plane is going to crash. We have to bail out now.
Unfortunately, we have only three parachutes.

And since I am a terrific pilot, and I don’t see any reason why I should die, I am taking one of them. Good luck!” And with that, he jumped out of the plane.

Bill Gates said: “Since I am the smartest man in the world, and very valuable to civilization, I am also going to take a parachute and save myself.” And with that, he leapt out of the plane.

The lama said to the hippie: “I have already lived a long and fruitful life and have no need to live longer. Therefore, you may take the remaining parachute.” “Relax, mannnn,” said the hippie, putting the parachute on to the lama’s back. “The smartest man in the world just strapped himself into my backpack.”

There’s this wonderful story about the first meeting between Kalu Rinpoche and Zen master Seung Sahn:
The two monks entered with swirling robes - maroon and yellow for the Tibetan, austere gray and black for the Korean - and were followed by retinues of younger monks and translators with shaven heads …

The Tibetan lama sat very still, fingering a wooden rosary (mala) with one hand while murmuring, ‘Om mani padme hung,’ continuously under his breath.

The Zen master, who was already gaining renown for his method of hurling questions at his students until they were forced to admit their ignorance and then bellowing, ‘Keep that don’t know mind!’ at them, reached deep inside his robes and drew out an orange. ‘What is this?’ he demanded of the lama. ‘What is this?’

This was a typical opening question, and we could feel him ready to pounce on whatever response he was given.

The Tibetan sat quietly fingering his mala and made no move to respond.
‘What is this?’ the Zen master insisted, holding the orange up to the Tibetan’s nose.

Kalu Rinpoche bent very slowly to the Tibetan monk next to him who was serving as the translator, and they whispered back and forth for several minutes. Finally the translator addressed the room: ‘Rinpoche says, What is the matter with him? Don’t they have oranges where he comes from?’

Three Buddhist monks decided to practice meditation together. They sat by the side of a lake and closed their eyes in concentration.

Then suddenly, the first one stood up and said, “I forgot my mat.” He steeped miraculously onto the water in front of him and walked across the lake to their hut on the other side.

When he returned, the second monk stood up and said, “I forgot to put my underwear out to dry.” He too walked calmly across the water and returned the same way.

The third monk watched the first two carefully in what he decided must be the test of his own abilities. “Is your learning so superior to mine? I too can match any feat you two can perform,” he declared loudly and rushed to the water’s edge to walk across it. He promptly fell into the deep water.

Undeterred, the monk climbed out of the water and tried again, only to sink into the water. Yet again he climbed out and yet again he tried, each time sinking into the water. This went on for some time as the other two monks watched.

After a while, the second monk turned to the first and said, “Do you think we should tell him where the stones are?”

very funny????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MGMT isn’t actually an acronym, it’s the word ‘management’ condensed to four letters.

It took me a while to discover that BDSM has surprisingly little to do with Buddhism.

A Zen master once said to me, “Do the opposite of whatever I tell you.”

So I didn’t.

An old monk, a little novice and a donkey, were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.

As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old monk was walking and the little novice was riding.

The old monk and novice thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Then, later, they passed some people who remarked, ‘What a shame, he makes that little novice walk.’ So they then decided they’d both walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride.

So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.

The old monk and the little novice figured they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone, you might as well…

…Kiss your ass goodbye

’A long time ago on a secluded island in the middle of a large and pristine lake, in an old hut in a clearing surrounded by beautiful trees, a young monk lived, meditating diligently.

He had been on the island for a long time… having departed from his teacher’s monastery with the intention of not returning until he had made the big break through…Full Awakening…

His days were spent in total solitude. He did not even see the man who rowed over on a weekly basis, bringing his supplies.

One night, after a particularly blissful day, (and it was a full moon night too) he joined the ranks of the fully enlightened beings!!

Out of deep compassion he decided to share his wisdom with others and naturally he was going to tell his teacher first. He thought happily of his teacher and how much he owed him.

Carefully and very beautifully he penned these words on a thick piece of parchment: The monk, meditating diligently is no longer moved by the four worldly winds.

The next time the small supply boatman rowed in, it was to see the young monk standing on the little jetty. As the boat approached, the monk looked up very slowly, his face glowing, a serious expression on his face. He handed the astonished boatmen a scroll case, saying only these words ‘take this back to my teacher’.

The boatmen, after unloading his boat, did as he was asked.

After a whole week had passed, the young monk went down to the jetty very early in the morning, eagerly scanning the horizon for perhaps the master himself in a grand boat followed by the entire monastic community… He would treat them all to his wisdom if that was so. It would not be right to hold back what he had gained.

Finally, on the horizon, the monk saw the small boat. Perhaps it was just the teacher.

As the boat drew closer he saw to his surprise that it was just the boatmen, who after unloading his supplies, handed him what looked very much like the same piece of parchment he had written and sent a week ago.

He took it out of it’s case, unrolled it and saw his beautiful black calligraphy: The monk, meditating diligently is no longer moved by the four worldly winds. And across his beautiful black calligraphy (which had taken a long time to write) in red ball point pen (it wasn’t that long ago) were the four words, fart, fart, fart, fart.

The glow faded from his face, fury replaced it and he stomped into the boat, demanding: ‘take me to the master!’

And so the monk left his island and entered again the hallowed hall of the monastery where he had gone forth. He marched furiously to the master’s study, didn’t bother knocking, rushed to his desk, slammed down the parchment and scowled into the teacher’s face ‘What is the meaning of this? he spat.’

The master looked at him and said ’The monk, meditating diligently is no longer moved by the four worldly winds; yet four little farts have blown you all the way across the lake.”

hi

excuse me

i thinks some short and funny joke be better than this long joke

because reading long joke be a little tedious

i say to you as amicable precept

so search your joke sources and find short joke and write it give more ameliorate to you

but you have more authority over than any one

@hamedshh... I don`t understand your joke!

this is just an advice not a joke for gladness

a little friendly parlance

i hope we have more friendly to each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ah, sorry... that was just my joke ;)

i am so glad to have kidding with me

an explicit man wear his pants reversed

and go to his work and at afternoon he gone to his home at angry mood

then his wife tell him why today you are so angry he said that people tell me when you gone its like you are come and when i hear this i got angry and i did quarrel with them

his wife tell him hey man look at your pants you wear it reversed

did you stolen this joke in the books of my land with dishonest

because never my land joke threads heard in past by foreign people !?

Foreign people should never steal another mans joke .

It would appear that one gentleman wore his pants backwards all day long ,even at work . When he arrived home his wife noticed he was in a bad mood

, his wife asked him " why the hell are you so angry " ....He said " people all day are asking me if I'm coming or going " So i beat the crap out of them .

his wife tell him ........who the hell are you ?

- I called the AT&T operator I said "I want to report a nuisance caller

"she said "Not you again".


- I slept like a log last night Woke-up in the fireplace



…all burned out