941

“Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why
several of us died of tuberculosis”

Jack Handey

942

Very cute! In French, negatives are like i, the square root of minus one. It takes two of them to make a negative.

943

A police officer is parked outside a bar one night when he sees a drunk man stumble out the door. The man staggers through the parking lot and falls down. He tries his keys in five different cars before getting in and driving off. The cop immediately pulls him over and makes the man take a breathalyzer test. The man blows a 0.0.

"This thing must be broken," the cop says.

The man responds, "Nope, tonight I'm the designated decoy!"

944

During our day at the lake, my friend asked, "What's the biggest fish you've ever caught?"

"Have you ever seen the film Jaws?"

"Yeah."

"Well it was about the same size as the box the DVD comes in."

945

McDonald's will give you a free combo meal and $127.38 if you go to the Drive Thru dressed as a clown.

With a gun.

946

Depressed, a boxer walks into a doctors office.

"Doc, you've got to help me," he moans, "my insomnia is terrible, I just can't get to sleep at night."

The doctor peers over his glasses, "Have you tried counting sheep?" he asks.

The boxer sighs, "That's no good at all," he moans, "Every time I reach nine I get up!"

947

I can't see an end.
I have no control and I don't think there's any escape - I don't even have a home anymore.

Definitely time for a new keyboard.

948

Return please !

949

Do yo belief that unicorns hasnt any asshole to fart this is not true

Something like laughing kh kh kh kh kh kh kh kh kh kh kh

950



951

Me: “Thank you for calling [Home Improvement Store]. How may I direct your call?”
Customer: “Yeah, I was calling to see if you sell bullets?”
Me: “I’m sorry, could you repeat that?”
Customer: “Do you sell bullets? Like for reloading?”
Me: thinking maybe he is confused and needs the ‘bullet’ CO2 cartridges we sell for some of our air-powered nailers “Bullets… as in bullets for guns, or…?”
Customer: “Yes! Bullets! For shooting!”
Me: “I’m sorry, sir, we do not. We sell home improvement items and bullets are not a home improvement item.”
Customer: “…Are you sure?”

952

A young man shopping in a supermarket notices a little old lady is following him and keeps stopping to watch.
At the checkout, she catches up and says, "I hope I didn't embarrass you, it's just that you look so much like my late son."
"That's okay," he says, smiling sympathetically.
"I know it seems silly," says the little old lady, "but I would be so happy if you could call out 'Bye Mom' as I leave the store."
So he does. The old lady leaves the store smiling and he feels happy to have cheered her up.
When he goes through the checkout, the cashier says, "That comes to $169.99."
"What?" he gasps. "But I've only got five items."
"I know," says the cashier, "but your mom said you'd be paying for her shopping too."

953
954

Sometime we see something goes burned out at far of it

when we look it at closer situation there arn't any flame burning

It like when you see some diamonds shining

but sometime something become burning but we ignored that

it must be propagate some bad smell to call us i have to burn.

955






956

Hamedshh, someone has got to tell, you that “Dude your jokes just don’t translate.” This one is worse then a set of Chinese instructions. Not trying to be a downer but please have someone who speaks English look them over before you post them. Please.

I don’t use a translator to turn these jokes into Farsi.

957

Are you revenge me?

958

It is somewhat funny just because of how ridiculous it sounds. Translation software still has a long way to go.

959

Q: How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, because they never get the house.

960

Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn’t let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.