reintarnation............When you die and come back as a hill billy.
"Hello?'
'Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?'
'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'
After a brief pause, Daddy says, 'but honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'
'Oh yes I do and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, Right now.'
Brief Pause.
'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'
'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
'I did it, Daddy.'
'And what happened, honey?'
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!'
'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'
'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'
*****Long Pause*****
*****Longer Pause*****
*****Even Longer Pause*****
Then Daddy says, 'Swimming pool? ........... Is this 486-5731?'
'No, I think you have the wrong number.......'
:bigsmile:
Fishinfool, that was funny!! :D
Thanks guys!
Here's another:
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A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' said Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan. 'Nope,' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied, 'I’ve been married to your sister for 48 years.'
Rated G
One of my sons discovered some ice pops in the freezer down stairs. Half opened box from who knows how long ago. Major freezer burn. Nothing I hate more than wasting food, so I try one, figuring if I can choke it down so can the kids. Nope. No way. Into the sink they go. Man, that nearly ruins my day. That's like three dollars, literally, down the drain. I don't mind eating it, then having it go down the drain, but this... this is almost too much for a person of Dutch ancestry to deal with.
On the bright side, the sticks have children friendly riddles on them. They won't be funny for us, but may be useful if you have young children or grandchildren around.
What do you call a pony that surfs? A seahourse!
What is a playgrounds favorite type of music? Swing!
What does one icicle say to the other icicle before leaving? Bye-cicle! Could also be funny on your next group ride. :glasses:
What is a rabbits favorite kind of music? Hip Hop!
Why did the dog have big ears? It was a corn dog!
How do handymen get to school? A tool bus!
What is a snake's favorite school subject? Hisssssstory!
What kind of pets does a band have? Trum-Pets!
Why did the baseball fan give the house a pair of sneakers? So he could see a home run!
What is the alphabet's favorite thing about the beach? The "C" shells! I'll be saving this one for summer vacation. :glasses:
What did the golf pro name his son? Chip!
Really liked this joke when I first heard it and given I was car crazy at the time, I took after it but shortened it to turboBB.
=============================================
After hitting pay dirt, a man goes out and buys the best car available, a 1996 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the bestest and most expensivest car in the world,
and it cost him $300,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light.
An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks
"What kinda car ya got there sonny?".
The dude replies "A 1996 Turbo BeepBeep! They cost $300,000."
"Gohhhh-ly! That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Cause this car can go up to 320 miles an hour!" states the man quite proudly.
The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure" replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a purty nice car, alright!"
Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! Suddenly, PHHHHWOOOOOOOM! Something whips by him, going 2, maybe 3 times as fast!
The guy wonders "what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeep?" so he slams on his brakes and brings the car to a complete stop.
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. PHHHHWOOOOOOOM! It goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldn't be, thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep?
Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror! PHHHHWOOOOOOOM! and KA-BLAMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.
The guy jumps out and rushes to the back and couldn't believe his eyes when he sees the old man and the moped in a heap of mess on the floor! The guy runs up to the banged up old man and says "You're hurt bad! I'll call an ambulance but is there anything else I can do for you?"
The old man replies "Yeah sonny, can you please unhook my suspenders from the side-view mirror of your car!"
Good one turbo beepbeep!
I was in a pub last night and saw two "girls of size" (as Political Correctness now requires us to say) by the bar.
They both spoke with a very strong brogue accent, and making assumptions about their origins I said, "Hello, are you two girls from Scotland?"
One of them screamed, "It's WALES you freaking idiot!"
So I immediately apologized and said........"Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"
I don't remember too much after that!
LOL!!!
A man recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said the man was doing 'fairly well' for his age. A little concerned about that comment, the man couldn't resist asking the doctor, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
The doctor asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' the man replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
The man said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' he said.
The doctor asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' he said.
Doctor looked at the man and said.... 'Then, why do you even give a sh!t?'
This thread is hilarious and you guys have the best jokes I've ever read!!
I have two things that I find great enough to subscribe to. One is FPSRussia on youtube and this thread.
Thanks for the great laughs.
TurboBB, I cried, suspenders, haha
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty, and many people donated to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty more of them."
1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
BAG LIMITS
| 1. | Yellow Bellied Sidewinder | 2 |
| 2. | Two-faced Tort Feasor | 3 |
| 3. | Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator | 5 |
| 4. | Big-mouthed Pub Gut | 2 |
| 5. | Honest Attorney | EXTINCT |
| 6. | Cut-throat | 2 |
| 7. | Back-stabbing Whiner | 2 |
| 8. | Brown-nosed Judge Kisser | 2 |
| 9. | Silver-tongued Drug Defender | $100 bounty |
A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.
"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"
"Three dollars an ounce."
"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"
"Four dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"$1,000 an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
Two old ladies talking one says to the other did you hear about the women who lives a number 22 ? she was broken into an rapped , that's not the worst , they used a vacum cleaner to rape her oh my god she said what do the doctors say well apparently she's picking up nicely
The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.
A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night.
The man then said, "Call for my lawyer." When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought I'd check out the same way."
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can’t take it with you."
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer’s wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.
"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."