This very thing happened to me last week when my brother and I were out fishing.
This very thing happened to me last week when my brother and I were out fishing.
A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.He doesn't seem to be breathing ; his eyes have rolled back in his head . The other man whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator:' my friend is dead ! what can i do ?' the operator ,in a calm soothing soothing voice says 'just take it easy i can help, first , let's make sure he's dead' There is a silence and then a shot is heard, the guy's voice comes back on to the line and says :' O K, now what ?
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A duck walks into a drugstore and says to the pharmacist, "Gimme a chap stick."
The pharmacist asks the duck, "Will that be cash or charge?"
The duck replies, "Just put it on my bill."
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10,000 Chinese walk into a bar and order a beer,
the bartender says: thats funny we don't get many Chinese around here..
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So this magician works on a cruise ship, doing his act every night. But because the audience kept changing he just used the same routine, no one ever saw the show twice. Except, that is for the Captain's parrot. After a while the parrot saw how each trick worked and would call out "It's a fake card!" or "It's up his sleeve!" This really annoyed the magician as it was spoiling his routine but he couldn't do anything - it was the Captain's parrot.
The one dark & stormy night the cruise ship suddenly sank and there were hardly any survivors. The magician ended up floating on some debris with just the parrot for company.
The parrot never said a thing on the first day, was quiet on the second day, silent on the third day. Finally after four days of floating the parrot looks at the magician and says "OK, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?"
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Monastery Life
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R" ! , we missed the "R" !"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was... CELEBRATE !!! "
Yo mama's so fat... if she was the Titanic, the Iceberg would have sank! ♪ rim shot ♫
I can tell you've been saving up, Boaz.
I like that parrot and the magician
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
an old favorite of mine ....
Why did the chicken cross the playground ?
to get to the other slide
Why did the chicken cross the road?
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
Queen & Dolly Go To Heaven !
Queen Elizabeth
and
Dolly Parton
die on the same day and they both go
before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day,
so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular
reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created,
and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of
Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down.
Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'
Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?
I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me?'
'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven,
A Royal Flush
Beats a Pair -
No Matter How Big They Are.
I really had to laugh when I saw it first. :D
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said,
"Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said "I do. Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces,
"Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know you left your Injun running..."
Rather Ironic Isn’t It?
The food stamp program, part of the Department of Agriculture, is pleased to be distributing the greatest amount of food stamps ever.
Meanwhile, the Park Service, also part of the Department of Agriculture, asks us to “please do not feed the animals” because the animals may grow dependent and not learn to take care of themselves.
Military Language Conversion Chart |
||
NAVY |
ARMY |
AIR FORCE |
Heads |
Shitter |
Powder Room |
Rack |
Bunk / Farter |
Queen bed electric blanket & doona |
Cafe / SCRAN Hall |
Mess / Mess Tent |
Dining Facility |
Pussers Cook |
Cook / Fitter & Turner |
Contract Chef |
Brew |
Brew |
Vanilla Skim Latte' with a bickie |
Limers / Goffa |
Goffa/ jebwby juice (can of coke/cordial) |
Shirley Temple |
W9's/Coveralls |
Cams /DPCUs |
Casual Attire |
Seaman |
Private |
Bobby / Jimmy |
Chief |
WO2 |
Timothy / Justin |
Captain |
Colonel |
Rupert / James |
The Table(chooks) |
Article 15 |
Time Out |
Mess/Onboard |
Barracks |
Self contained Apartment |
Durps/Trolleys |
Underwear |
Knickers |
Cells |
Piss Can |
Grounded |
Cero's |
Pollys |
Armani Suit |
Lid / Cap |
Beret/Head Gear/ Slouch |
Optional /beret |
AFT Stores |
Q Store |
Westfield Shopping Mall |
Hammered |
Pissed |
Oops. little tipsy.. |
Deployment/ Detachment |
Deploy / Ops / Bush / Scrub / Field |
Huh? |
Runners |
Runners |
Moccasin's |
Die for your Country |
Die for your Mate |
Die for Air Conditioning |
Shipmate/Oppo/Besty |
Mate/digger |
Honey/Babe/Pookie |
Terminate / Contact |
Take Out |
Back on Base for Nuck Night |
Boiler Boots |
GP’s / Terras |
Ugg Boots |
Pussers Sandals |
JC Sandals |
Patent Leather Stilettos |
SEAL |
SASR |
Librarian |
Shore Patrol |
MPs |
Chaperone's |
Hot Packs |
Rat Packs |
Al a Carte |
Throw a Goffa |
Salute / Chuck a Boxer |
Wave |
Obstacle Course |
Obs Course |
Typing Course |
Parade Drill/Parade Ground |
Drill Practice/Parade Ground |
What? |
Canteen |
AAFCANS / Frontline |
McHappy Meal |
RANPFT |
PT / BFA |
Smoko / Ping Pong Comps |
Chief Swain |
RSM |
OIC Cuddles |
Midshipman |
Officer Cadet |
Debutant |
Pusser |
AJ |
RAAFY Chappy |
Who Put The Dog Out ...
A couple was going out for the evening.
They'd got ready, all dolled up, but just needed to put the dog out when the taxi arrives.
However as the couple walked out of the house, the dog shoots back in the house.
They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi driver: 'He's just going upstairs to say good-night to my mother.'
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
'Sorry I took so long' he says. 'Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her arse downstairs and tossed her in the back yard!
She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!'
The silence in the cab was deafening.
never mind
Joe was sitting at a bar next to Bob. Bob turns to Joe and said, "You look terrible. Why are you all hunched over and in such obvious pain?"
Joe said, "Do you really want to know?"
Bob said, "Sure."
"Okay." Joe said. "One day while I was fishing down by the beach, I accidentally kicked over a bottle, and a Genie popped out.
The Genie said, "I'll grant you any wish, but only one."
"So then I said, "No sh*t?"
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal- Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."
She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.
He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00".
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind big-time. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."
One day, in line at the company cafeteria,
Joe says to Mike behind him,"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it."
"It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to
Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer l lights up and asks for the
urine
sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits..
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5 If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
Finally , the guys' side of the story
( I must admit, it's pretty good)
We always hear 'the rules' From the female side
Now here are the rules from the male side
These are our rules!
Please note... they are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports it's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one! Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .
1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1.. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have NO idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear. ( This one is my personal favorite )
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really!
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as sports, sex, cars, hooters, or tools.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape! Straight IS a shape! Flat IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that?
It's like camping.
As true as it gets, Jack! I do have to make one correction…
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as sports, sex, cars, hooters, or tools sex, hooters, flashlights, tools, motorcycles or cars.
No flashlights ?
"Understanding Women" is now out in paperback...
... Part I