A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
Seems a German gentleman was trying to do the right thing, Evolutionarily speaking, by robbing a condom dispenser. By blowing it up. So he ended up catching a bit of shrapnel in the empty jug between his ears, “and Bob’s yer Uncle”!
The British Government and the government of South Africa today adopted — for dramatically different reasons — a revolutionary new Unit of Measure of light power.
The new unit is called the Nelson Candela. It represents one nano-erg of radiant force at a distance of one mega-meter and can only be measured by very progressive equipment.
The reasons for adoption of this value vary widely. The South Africans say, “The Nelson Candela will beat back the darkness after a long time with great help from outside the system.”
The British were typically down-to-earth, stating flatly, “That’s the only way we could get the Royal Navy to countenance it!”
Reporting from Durban and Trafalgar, Dimbo The Blinky, Light Humor News Service.
(No photons were harmed during the posting of this joke.)
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times said: “American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British”.
One week later, Australia ’s Northern Territory Times reported the following: “After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek , Northern Territory , Knackers Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely bugger-all. Knackers has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless.”
…Makes ya feel bloody proud to be Australian!
The year was 1990ish and I was excited. This day, was the day they were going to open up the new WalMart store in town. I had been to a Walmart in a far away town with my parents. But today I had my own car. I remembered the sporting goods section of the far away Walmart.
I remembered all the fishing poles and flashlights. I couldn’t wait.
I felt like a kid as I went through the doors. I new where I was going, I had a plan. I was gonna look at everything. About half way to the sporting goods area I realized I needed to go, crap, poop. Oh man not here. Not now. Understand back in my younger days home was about the only place I went number 2. I was 7 miles from home. Ok, I am gonna go for it. I am at Walmart without my parents, I drove myself here, I can do it.
Into the restroom I went. First stall empty, I set down. I noticed someone was in the stall next to me. Wearing black boots. And this happpend……
Black Boots—- “Hey whats going on?”
Me———————- “Just doing some shopping”
Black Boots ——“You gonna be long?”
Me—————————“I hope not”
Black Boots——“Well whose all over there?”
Me————————“Just me”(getting scared me)
Black Boots——-” Well, when I get done here I ’ll be right over”
Me————————scared as hell ” MISTER I DON’T THINK YOU BETTER”
Black Boots—— “Hey, I will call you back. The ass*ole in the next stall wont stop talking to me”
This is a true story. First time I been around portable cell phone. I told my cousin about it. 3-4 years later someone tells it to me as a joke. Last year I tell a coworker, he tells me he heard that joke on FB.
(I am quite up to speed on technology, but find it quite awkward when paying for groceries using my phone or watch. I have gone to the grocery store, but realize that I have forgotten my wallet. I get to the checkout.)
Me: “Hi, I’ve forgotten my wallet. Do you have Apple Pay?”
Employee: “Sure!”
(The employee went away, which I thought was quite odd, and came back and handed me something.)
I hesitate to share jokes on the internet that I’ve made up myself because I know if they’re good I’ll end up seeing them years later with no way to prove that I did in fact make them up, but being that I can’t take anything with me in the end anyway here’s one I made up….
I haven’t pooped in the last ten years. No, seriously, I’m full of s**t.
Why do peas in a pot argue? they all want a place at the window
(Sorry just made it up, can’t leave my buddy hamedshh hanging)
Have you ever noticed a pigeon moves the head back and forth while walking?
And a sparrow has its head stiff while walking.
Why do they do that? I need one attempt before answering
Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: “Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?” Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. “Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?” Mary stands up, blushing furiously. “How dare you ask such a question?” she says. “I’m going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!” Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary’s reaction, but undaunted. She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand. “Yes, Sam?” says Mrs. Sampson. “Ma’am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye.” “Very good, Sam. Thank you.” Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, “Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it’s clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed.”
Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn’t go this time because his wife wouldn’t let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated. The following week when Steve’s buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing. “How did you talk your missus into letting you go Steve?” “I didn’t have to,” Steve replied. “Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn’t go fishing. Then the ol’ lady Snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, ‘Surprise’. When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, ‘Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want,’ So, Here I am!”
