a guy sitting at the bar asks the attractive young lady down the bar from him if she'd sleep with him for a million dollars. She says yes. He says how about for $50? She responds "What kind of girl do you think I am?" he replies "We've established that much, now we are just haggling over price".
Hey JohnnyMac , here's an anti limerick :
There once was a swimmer terrific
Who thought he could swim the pacific
Though bets we laid down
That the poor man would drown
He was eaten by a shark in front of a large crowd of terrified onlookers .
Heheheh :)
What's the difference between a truck load of bowling balls and a truck load of dead babies?
You can't unload the truck load of bowling balls with a pitch fork.
This guy inherited his rich aunt's entire estate on the condition that the parrot was allowed to live out its full life span. Otherwise the money went to an animal shelter, all several million dollars of it.
There was a small problem, the parrot was notoriously badly behaved and outright dangerous. After all, a parrot's beak is like a can opener.
After several days of parrot crap on the walls, floor and ceiling and non-stop screeching, the cage is beginning to suffer.
So our guy hires a suit of cheap plate armour to clean out the cage.
And discovered that parrot beaks can open sheet metal.
After he came back from the emergency room, he sits to ponder what to do next.
He's not getting any sleep, and giving all that money to an animal shelter is tempting.
But he thinks of the money - all that lovely money.
He figures out a way to clean out the cage safely - after all he's wanting the money sand he's not letting the %&^&$Q£@$£@$!%$£$%@^ rile him.
Or so he thought. He moved the cage to his kitchen - which was the farthest room from his bedroom and hoped it wasn't upsetting the neighbours.
It was.
After a day of complaints about the racket, he's had enough.
He puts on his amoured gloves, grabs the parrot and tosses it in the freezer.
There is a fearsome screeching and beak dents in the freezer door.
Then the parrot goes quiet.
Oh (multiple expletives deleted)!
I've killed it.
So he throws open the freezer door and sees the scene of carnage inside.
But the parrot is alive.
It hops onto his shoulder and doesn't even try to eat his face.
Quietly it says to him.
"I'm sorry if I have given offence, and resolve never to give you trouble again."
The guy is stunned and doesn't know what to say.
Then the parrot goes on, "But can I ask you one question?"
"OK", he says.
The parrot says, "What did the chicken do?"
1 Thank
Ah , the separate post punchline . Excellent .
Threw me for a second when the punchline wasn’t delivered. Then I scrolled down just a tad. 
Holmes and Watson are out camping in the Scottish Highlands. After a full and satisfying day of trekking they settle down for a well earned night's sleep. From the depths of his slumber Holmes suddenly wakes.
Holmes: "Watson. Wake up at once!"
Watson: "I say Holmes! I was having the most marvellous dream..."
Holmes: "Never mind that now, Watson. Tell me what you see."
Watson: "Really, Holmes! What the deuce is this all about?"
Holmes: "Just tell me what you see."
Watson: "Well, lying here, looking up, I see a velvet sky, black, beautiful. I see constellations. I see a universe of infinite wonder. Am I right, Holmes?"
Holmes: "Watson, you fool. Someone has stolen the tent!"
Well we've picked on blonds a bunch, how about we pick on lawyers?
Disorder in the Courts
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shi++ing me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
____________________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and pract
The nurse comes into the doctors office and says to the doctor .."There's a man in the waiting room who thinks he's invisible ".....The doctor replies ... " tell him I can't see him ".
Then there was the man who showed up at the psychiatrist's office wearing nothing at all, but completely wrapped in cellophane from head to toe.
The psychiatrist took one look at him and said...
"Well, I can see your nuts"
This is a true story
A bloke was kicked off an Australian Reality TV show (Masterchef) for cheating. When asked what is was like to be in "lockdown" 24 hrs a day without being able to watch TV, read newspapers or phone loved ones he said:
"Its like prison but without sex".
WTF. That cracked me up and I have not forgotten it.
A man is lying back in the dentist's chair preparing for some dental work. As the dentist leans towards him, drill at the ready, the patient reaches out and firmly grasps the dentist's testicles. He looks the dentist straight in the eye and say "We're not going to hurt each other, are we?".
Hear the one about the baby fur seal that walked into a club?
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre
A man walks into the doctor's office.
Doctor : What can I do for you, Sir?
Man: Well, I don't seem to have many friends.
Doctor: Why is that, do you think?
Man: I'm asking you, you ugly, bald four-eyed s%$&!
A CPF Moderator, probably.................
...............
Here's a joke that's 16 years old...
What's healthier for you in the morning, coffee or OJ?
If you guessed coffee, you're right, because OJ will kill you.
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world" The woman says, "I'll miss you."