Have you ever seen a child, on his way to school, have a car drive past and splash him, and then he just stands there and thinks if he should just go to school or go home and change and be late... And then I drove past and splashed him again!
- Jack Handey
Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.
- Jack Handey
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.
- Jack Handey
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call up the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."
- Jack Handey
Next Thanksgiving, here is a fun trick to play: When the mashed potatoes and turkey are being served, take some of both. But hide your turkey under your mashed potatoes. When your family asks "Don't you want some turkey?," pull the turkey out from under the mashed potatoes and yell "I tricked you!!"
- Jack Handey
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
- Jack Handey
Probably the worst thing about having King Kong go rampid in your town would be the huge, monster genitalia.
- Jack Handey
As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.
- Jack Handey
I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.
- Jack Handey
If when you die you get a choice between pie heaven and regular heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick but if not mmmboy
- Jack Handey
I love going down to the elementary school, watching all the kids jump and shout, but they dont know Im using blanks.
- Jack Handey
Sat at the table in our nice 4star hotel in Majorca, im explaining to my two kids[4yr old girl and a 7yr old boy]always try a little bit of something diffrent from the buffet.ESPECIALLY IF ITS FROM A DIFFRENT COUNTRY.That way you will know if you like or not and if you dont thers a minimum of waste.Also the waiter wont go on one.
This after me having a rant about people just wasteing good food by just pileing it on ther plate because its ther[a pet hate of mine]
Anyways,away they go and return.I say nothing as they both have tried something diffrent from the plates content.
My mobile phone rings and its my Mum[Grandma],my son is BURSTING to speak with her and grabs the phone and answers all flustered and pleased with himself.
Grandma,Grandma,youle never guess what im haveing for my dinner.
What my Mum asks,is it good.
LION,my son replys,Pork & Lion,its delicious,
I look round quickly at the labels in three languages on the foods and spotted
PORK LOIN,
Nearly all the adults in the restraunt wher in tears along with me & my Mum.
DONâŚ
Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.
"An ambulance just drove by."
A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are making whoopee."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
Dear Students.
I know when you are texting in class.
*Seriously, no one looks down at their crotch and smiles.
*
Sincerely
Your Teacher
Love the Irish
Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.
âI think itâs got epilepsyâ he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says âIt seems calm enough to meâ.
Paddy says, âI havenât taken it out of the bowl yetâ.
Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope âDO NOT BEND â.
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone âMy wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart !â
âIs this her first child ?â asks the Doctor.
âNoâ, shouts Paddy, âthis is her husband !â
Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.
Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says âFor gods sake Paddy, thatâs your air freshener swinging about !â
An old Irish farmerâs dog goes missing and heâs inconsolable.
His wife says âWhy donât you put an advert in the paper ?â
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
âWhat did you put in the paper ?â his wife asks.
âHere boyâ he replies.
Paddyâs in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
âWhat the hell you doing ?â he asks.
âHangin Meselfâ Paddy replies.
âIt should be around your neckâ says the Guard.
âI tried datâ says Paddy âbut I couldnât breatheâ.
An American tourist asks an Irish dive master: âWhy do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats ?â
To which the Irishman replies: âIf they fell forwards, theyâd still be in the boat.â
Bump. This thread is just enough.
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.
"What's wrong with your knees?" She asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guessâŚâŚSmallcox?"
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
(I already have 2 bombs)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(O.M.G.!!!)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.(Creepy)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Don't try this at home;maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm.......)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)
A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)
You got me there Nemesis. 
Reminds me of the pool scene in Caddyshack.
A short bedtime story .
The end .
Bwahaha, âIâve just quit drinking.â Good one Jack.
Hereâs one.
âââââââ
A man from the city buys a chicken farm. The chicken farm comes with 200 hens but no rooster and the new farmer wants some chicks.
So he goes to his neighbor to ask him where to get the best rooster. The neighbor fills him in on all the details about the different roosters he can buy. He also tells him where to buy a Booster Rooster. âThis rooster will help produce more chicks than you can imagineâ says the neighbor.
So the new farmer shells out the extra cash and buys a Booster Rooster.
The farmer takes the Booster Rooster to the chicken yard and lets him loose. The Booster Rooster starts making love to all the chickens, multiple times. When he was finished with the chickens, he nails the geese and then the other farm animals.
The new farmer shakes his head in amazement and says âBooster Rooster you are going to kill yourself if you keep this up.â
So the farmer goes into the house to take a nap and when he wakes up, he looks out the window and notices that out in the field the Booster Rooster is laying on his back with his feet straight up in the air and buzzards circling overhead.
The farmer walks out to the Booster Rooster and says âBooster Rooster, I told you you would kill yourself.â The Booster Rooster gestures towards the buzzards and says to the farmer âShhh, you will scare them away.â
