Five rules for men to follow to have a happy life.
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four woman do not know each other and never meet.
A week after John bought a bull , he complained to his friend , " All that bull does is eat grass .Won't even look at a cow . "
" Take him to a vet , " his friend suggested .
The next week , John is much happier . "The vet gave him some pills , and the bull serviced all of my cows!" he told his pal ."Then he broke through the neighbors fence and bred all of his cows ! He's like a machine !"
" What kind of pills were they ? " asked the friend .
" I don't know , but they've got a peppermint taste . "
Michael Douglas sparked a firestorm claiming that he caught throat cancer by giving oral sex to his wife.
It begs two obvious questions.
Is this a sound medical diagnosis..or is Michael Douglas just the latest Democrat to blame everything on Bush?
Yes, I agree the seller describes himself “SUPER BRIGHT SELLER”
I said to my missus last night:
“I think we should try another position tonight”
She says:
“ok yeah, you stand behind the ironing board and I’ll sit of the couch drinking beer and farting”
What’s the difference between pink and brown?
Grip!
Homeless Budget Light forum Member Needs HELP!
I'm reaching out on behalf of one of our members who needs some help and wishes to remain anonymous.
His problem started when his wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection.
When he came back, he handed her diet pills.
Anyway, he's looking for a place to live, can you help him???
Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"
Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"
"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.
At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"
The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."
Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television.
The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead."
Seriously, Did you hear about the poor fellow who over dosed on viagra? Yup, its true, he had 3rd degree burns on BOTH his hands!
everyone was gathered at the stables.
When the stallion gets a look a the prize mare he develops a $r$ction.
Little Johnny gazes in bewilderment & ask his grandmother “what is that grandma?”
She replies “oh that’s nothing”.
He continues asking her repeatedly until she tells him to “go ask your grandpa”.
Little Johnny quickly approaches his grandpa & ask him “Grandpa, Grandpa what is that?”
Grandpa eventually replies “go ask your grandma”,
little Johnny responds ” I did grandpa”.
Grandpa inquires what did she say?
Little Johnny replies she said “that’s nothing”.
Grandpa [with a grin & proud look in his face], responds to little Johnny “well son that’s because your gradmas spoiled!”
Had a new winch installed on my boat. Ship just got reel.
An 85-year old man is having his annual checkup. The Doctor asks him how he is feeling.
"I've got an eighteen-year old bride who's pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The Doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know of a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season.
But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.
So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezed the handle. BAM!
The beaver drops dead in front of him.
"That's impossible!” says the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."
The Doctor says, "My point exactly."
A guy dies and goes to hell, and meets Satan. Satan says to the man;
“Nowadays, people entering hell are able to choose their own personal hell. I will take you to a series of doors, and you will look inside, and tell me if that is where you would like to spend eternity.”
The man agrees and Satan takes him down a long, dark hallway. Satan opens the first door, the man looks inside, and sees thousands of people standing on their heads on a hard-wood floor. The man says;
This looks too uncomfortable. Show me the next room please.”
Satan then walks the man down to the second door. The man looks inside, and sees thousands of people standing on their heads on a concrete floor.
The man says;
“This is even worse. Please show me another room.”
Satan nods and takes him to the third door, and the man looks inside; he sees thousands of people standing knee-deep in liquid s#*t, all drinking coffee. The man says;
“This is the place for me.”
Satan then asks;
“Are you sure? Once the door closes you can never go back…”
The man says;
“I’m positive. I do love coffee.”
The man steps in, and Satan closes the door. Just before the man could get comfortable, a voice on the loudspeaker says;
“Coffee break is over, BACK ON YOUR HEADS!!!
That joke is in the play Cat on a Hot Tin Roof as I saw it from BBC, but not in the movie.
“Coffee break is over, BACK ON YOUR HEADS!!!! 
We never hear anything from Rick Astley these days.
It's almost like he's given us up, and let us down.
I don’t get the last two posts, maybe cause I don’t read the news.