The Daily Joke Thread

Off-topic Chatter
521

Where do they get these names?

522

Saw this banner in some junk email from the dino

They don’t know which end the light comes out of the SK68 XD

It is an interesting designed light, but come on!

523

OMG LOL!

524

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while,

the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,
"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and
tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later,
the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your
church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
525

This test only has one question, but it’s a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

THE SITUATION

You are in New Orleans. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you’re caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You’re trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST

Suddenly you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It’s President Obama! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.

You have two options: you can save the life of Mr. Obama, or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world’s most powerful men.

THE QUESTION

Here’s the question, and please give an honest answer.

Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

526

Haha, I loled :D!

527

First bloke: Arthur was a good lad. He grew his own vegetables in a plot down by the rail yard. One day, he went to the plot to get a head of cabbage for his supper, but fell down dead in the plot.

Second bloke: What did his missus do?

First bloke: She opened up a tin of peas.

My translation from the movie The Navigators, a film by Ken Loach.

528

H Bomb, how fun would it be to modify a Sipik and put the switch in the head and the light in the tail cap? Do a Sipik giveaway and wait for the inevitable WTF?

529

@DBC - Haha, nice idea. (Grabs clone on desk to mess with) D’oh, the pill and the tailcap have different threading. This would go beyond my skill set :slight_smile:

530

Questions from dad…………….

“Have you not got a girlfriend?”

“No dad.”

“Do you think you will ever get a girlfriend?

“No dad, not at all.”

“Are you gay?

“No dad, and will you please fuck off with your lesbian fantasies.”…………….

531

Ha Ha!

532

How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb? 188

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it’s “lightbulb” or “light bulb” … another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is “lamp”
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that “light bulb” is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL’s where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL’s were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL’s
3 to post about links they found from the URL’s that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add “Me too”
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say “didn’t we go through this already a short time ago?”
13 to say “do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs”
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

533

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".


534

Very good DBC :bigsmile: :bigsmile:

535

I will buy two of that flashlight only to say to someone “bring a dikalong with you” Hilarity will ensue.

so which is it?

536

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the
Third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their
Situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke.
‘Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.’

‘I know, Father. In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive
more than a day or two…’

‘I agree,’ says the Father. ‘Sister, since we are unlikely to make it
Out of here alive, would you do something for me?’

‘Anything, Father.’

‘I have never seen a woman’s breasts and I was wondering if I might see
Yours.’

‘Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any harm.’

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her
Shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

‘Sister, would you mind if I touched them?’…….she consented and he
Fondled them for several minutes.

‘Father, could I ask something of you?’

‘Yes, Sister?’

‘I have never seen a man’s appendage. Could I see yours?’

‘I suppose that would be OK,’ the Priest replied lifting his robe.

‘Oh Father, may I touch it?’

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was
Sporting a huge erection.

‘Sister, you know that if I insert my appendage in the right place, it can
Give Life.’

‘Is that true Father?’

‘Yes, it is, Sister.’

‘Oh Father, that’s wonderful … Stick it in the camel and let’s get
The hell out of here!’

537

About 1 month ago, here in Georgia, we had unusually cold weather and a freak ice storm…it was my fault…let me explain why.

Background:
My wife thinks I have a flashlight problem…she even told me once ‘you have a flashlight problem’ and I quickly asked ‘which one?’ Well, she just shook her head and walked away, so I checked all my flashlights and couldn’t find a problem with a single one.

Now, we’ve been married for almost 20 lumens, it seems like a long time but I’ve had some of my flashlights longer than that (that’s something else I learned not to tell her)…back the chain of events:

It was about a month ago, Friday evening, perfectly clear, moonless night, slightly cool…perfect night to play with a flashlight. I was headed towards the back door with 1 or 2 flashlights…maybe it was a few more than 1 or 2…okay, okay, it was a Gator Mouth tool bag with 24 compartments and they were all full!

As I reached for the door, she startled me with an unusual question: “sex or flashlights?” I was caught off guard so I asked “what?” and she repeated “sex or flashlights.” Now I understood…I had to make a decision.

The Decision (the whole decision process couldn’t have take more than 3 or 4 seconds):
Very quickly, my mind started running through pros and cons…
Flashlights can be turned on with just a click –she can’t
Flashlights get hot very quickly –not her
Flashlights are ready every night –……

for some reason, she just walked away…so I proceeded outside lugging 20 pounds of flashlights…I noticed it started getting much colder than I had expected –but not nearly as cold as when I came back in no more than 4 or 5 hours later.
The next morning, I woke up to ‘ice everywhere’…and it stayed unusually cold for the next 2 weeks…again, I accept full responsibility.

Flashlight Advice:
You should be ready for this same question or one like it. You should decide your answer and practice it in front of a mirror…if you don’t decide correctly and decide quickly…the decision will be made for you and the weather around your house may turn very cold too.

538

helps em run longer, so it’s a win win!!

539

That is cold, DBCstm!

540

I was going to mention the extra 2 weeks of quiet time might help get some new lights built but thought that might be too much.

:8)