1. What do you get if you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
2. Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.
3. I tried walking up a hill without a watch but had neither the time nor the inclination.
4. What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know and I don’t care.
5. What do you get when you cross an octopus with a cow? A reprimand from the Scientific Integrity and Professional Ethics Committee and immediate withdrawal of your grant funding.
6. Your mum is so mean, she has no standard deviation.
7. A German asks for a martini. “Dry?” says the bartender. “Nein, just one.”
8. Two women walk into a bar and discuss the Bechdel test.
9. Pavlov is sitting at a bar, when all of the sudden the phone rings. Pavlov gasps, “Oh no, I forgot to feed the dogs”.
10. How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, the lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
11. I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.
You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running." "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit."
Why can’t you hear a Pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
How did the chewing gum get across the road?
On the chickens foot.
He was telling them at his grandfather’s funeral, believe it or not, and he was a great success. Go figure. Kid makes people laugh at a funeral and he’s a genius. I make people laugh at a funeral and I’m in a box.
Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign reading, “Danger! Beware of Dog,” posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.
He asked the store manager, “Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”
“Yep, that’s him,” he replied.
“That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”
“Because,” said the owner, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”
A man with a German Shepherd dog goes into a bar and sits down at the counter. The bartender says, “You can’t bring that dog in here!”
The man says, “But this is a Seeing Eye dog!”
“Well, OK, then I guess it can stay.”
After a while, the man and the German Shepherd get up to leave. As they’re going out the door, another man with a Chihuahua is coming in. First man says, “The bartender won’t like you bringing that dog in here, but just tell him it’s a Seeing Eye dog and then it’ll be OK.” The second man looks dubiously at his tiny Chihuahua, thinks a fews seconds, then thanks the first man and goes on in.
The bartender says, “Hey! You can’t bring that Chihuahua in here!”
Man stares straight ahead and exclaims, “What! They sold me a Chihuahua?!”