The Daily Joke Thread

Off-topic Chatter
1889

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:
“To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy.
I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter,
I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year-old secretary
at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don’t be upset - I shall be home before midnight.”

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

“My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old.
I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.
As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college.
I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael,
one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach.

He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math,
you will understand that we are in the same situation,
although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.”

On a hot summer day, a cowboy came riding into town on his horse with his dog following. He tied the horse and dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer.

About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree.
The cowboy said that it was his. The policeman said, “Your dog seems to be in heat.” The cowboy replies, “No way dog’s in heat; she’s cool cause I got’im tied under the shade of the tree.”

The policeman says, “No! you don’t understand; your dog needs to be bred.” No way”, the cowboys says, “dog don’t need bread, she’s not hungry, cause I fed her beef jerky this mornin”.
Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; “NO! You don’t seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex!”

The cowboy looks at him and says,
“Go ahead. I always wanted a police dog!”

All the Best,
Jeff

1890

“F.Y.I., if you’re here to plunder the Earth’s natural resources, you’d better hurry.”

1891

I'm tempted to put this in my signature...

EDIT:

Yep, now it's in my sig.

1892

Three are going to be a huge number of pandemic memes coming :smiley:

1893

I love it

1894

Man, I want the hoodie with that one on it!

1895

I bet there’d be a market for the converse, too…
“100% Antisocial, Still Not Vaccinated” :laughing:

1896

Agreed… :white_check_mark:

1897

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor to have a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
“Well, doc, it’s like this —- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too. First with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees but still nothing.”

The doctor was shocked and said, “You asked your neighbor?”

The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”

1898

Okay, not a written joke, but still a hoot.

1899

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.

His assistant walked up to him and said,
‘This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?’

The boss told her he knew he’d closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up.

He then understood his assistant’s question about his ‘garage door’

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, ‘When my garage door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?’

She smiled and said, ’No, I didn’t. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires…

1900

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’

‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis’

1901

military humor:

a fortification is two twentyfications.

1902

helicopter: 10,000 parts flying in close formation.

1903

me: what will it cost to have my car fixed?
mechanic: what’s wrong with it?
me: i don’t know.
mech: $410.57.

your serve.

1904

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The preacher told them,
“We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.”

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.
When the preacher ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed.
“You are back so soon … is there a problem?” the preacher inquired.

“We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month”
The young man replied sadly.

The preacher asked him what happened.
“Well, the first week was difficult … however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.”
“The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain.”
“However, the third week was unbearable. ”

We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible …
anything to keep our minds off sex.

Then one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.
When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there.”
Admitted the man shamefully.

“You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church,”
stated the preacher.

“We know.” said the young man, hanging his head.

“We’re not welcome at Home Depot any more either.”

All the Best,
Jeff

1905

No more one cent Home Depot clearance deals. Now that is a tragedy :frowning:

BTW anyone else miss Dchomak?

1906

I miss him.

He hasn't logged in for three years.

Does anyone know what happened to him?

1907

Obviously the Home Depot Mafia caught onto his scheme and hauled him away.
He is probably in China being forced to make Home Depot products on the assembly line until he repents.

1908

me: how far is it to Podunk?
local: in the direction you’re going it’s 24,900 miles,
but if you turn around, it’s only one mile.