xevious…it is an old Mitch Hedberg joke.
here is another:
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means… it’s dirty.
lots more:
xevious…it is an old Mitch Hedberg joke.
here is another:
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means… it’s dirty.
lots more:
Mitch Hedberg was a strange guy. REALLy strange. I wonder if his style of comedy would’ve survived if he lived on… I still wonder at times if Steven Wright still tries to start his house with the car keys.
Today I had some fun modifying an old Dr. Seuss book cover…
Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they’d each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy’s 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat……and nearly drowned!
Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother .
“Grandma,” he asked, “Tis me 18th birthday, so why can’t I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?”
Granny looked deeply into Paddy’s, troubled blue eyes and said, “Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fookin idiot!”.
^
When I was very young I thought I had a Japanese friend...... But it was just my imagine Asian.
On the top of Mt. Fuji, a Japanese asked the local wise man: "Master Akira, why do western men think that we Japanese all look alike?"
" I am not Master Akira."
in my research of Baubo/Iambe jokes, i have found none.
lots references to the jokes, but not one actual joke.
if you know of one, please post it.
Two sheep herders are flying the herd to a new farm. Suddenly, the engine fails and the plane begins to fall quickly to the ground.
“Quick! Grab a parachute and jump!,” said the first herder
“What about the sheep?”, said the second herder
“Screw the sheep!” the first herder replied
“Do you think we have time??”
Yes, it is funny. But I (am an Asian, too!) had to re-read the joke to figure out why the Chinese went out of the currency exchange shop and screamed the way he did.
I failed math so many times at school, I can’t even count.
If life gives you melons...you might be dyslexic.
My father has schizophrenia, but he’s good people.
Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.
Two wifi engineers got married. The reception was fantastic.
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says, ‘Uno, dos…” and poof! He disappeared without a tres.
I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
Our dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person so I can get a better girlfriend.”
I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo.
I was so poor growing up that if I wasn’t a boy I wouldn’t have had anything to play with.
“Isn’t it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.”
They say nothing’s impossible ..but I’ve been doing nothing all day long .
“Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.”
A T-800 terminator walks into a bar.
Bartender asks, “What’ll it be, bud?”.
T-800 replies, “Shots faw everybody.”
A man walks into a psychiatrist office wearing nothing but saran wrap .
The Psychiatrist look up at him and says . I can clearly see you’re nuts
A lady walks into a pet store
She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO The lady asks the pet shop owner, “Why so cheap?”
The owner says “This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things.”
The lady can’t pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway.
She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is “Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn’t bad looking.”
The lady finds it amusing. Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says “New babes in the house, business will be booming tonight.”
The girls are shocked but laugh it off. A few hours later the woman’s husband gets home and the bird says “Hey Jim.”
Three guys walking down the street.
First guy walks into a bar.
Second guy walks into a bar.
Third guy ducks.
Hah! I love it. :laughing:
an expensive parrot joke:
One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one.
The man asks, ‘’How much is the yellow one?’’ The assistant says, ’‘$2000.’’ The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it’s so expensive.
The assistant explains, ‘’This parrot is a very special one. He has keyboard skills and can type really fast.’’ ‘’What about the green one?’’ the man asks.
The assistant says, ‘’He costs $5000 because he can type and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.’’ ‘’What about the red one?’’ the man asks.
The assistant says, ‘’That one’s $10,000.’’ The man says, ‘’What does HE do?’’ The assistant says, ‘’Not much of anything, but the other two call him Boss.’’
Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a golden screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do. Like it or not, he was stuck with it.
All the years of growing up was real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house and thus, never made any friends.
One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet that could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day he took all of his life’s savings and bought a ticket to Nepal.
After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. He was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed.
The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window, bearing in its mist, a golden screwdriver. In just moments, the screw-driver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.
The next morning when the boy woke, he saw the golden screw laying on the
pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there!
Jubilant, he leaped out of bed, and his butt fell off.
The moral to this is
“Don’t screw around with things you don’t understand — you could lose your ass”
Wow. Just… wow.
Jean J. 1.0 out of 5 stars My canisters do not have a measuring cup. Reviewed in the United States on January 5, 2020 Verified Purchase Tang itself is o.k. Its the same as it was 25 years ago. Actually I purchased the the twin 72 packages for the plastic lids, I feed my cats treats on the plastic lids that is at the top of the Tang can. So I emptied the cans of tang into another container. I was going to make a container tang for ourselves. There was no little measuring cup in either can of tang, so I was stuck without knowing how much to use for my tang drink. I figured I could find out on the internet the cups per quart that I would need. Dont bother looking, I don't think you will find out what you need to find a recipe for the a pint, quart, gallon. I just took my two 72 oz containers and dumped them into the toilet. It was hard to dissolve and I had to get the toilet brush to muck it around. Anyway Tang.....It takes years to gain a customer....It takes a second to loose that customer. Take care
“Okay, so I buy a coupla jumbo containers of Tang, they don’t have the little measuring-cups/-scoops inside, it’s absolutely beyond my intelligence to experiment with a cup of water and a spoon to see how much of the stuff is needed to suit my taste, can’t even look it up online, so just for spite, I dump both containers down the toilet and leave a 1-star review.”
And these people vote.