My wife asked me for something that went from 0 - 150 in under 5 seconds…. I handed her the bathroom scale, that’s when the fight started…
All of the following jokes have been shamelessly stolen from reddit. :)
A man with an orange for a head is drinking in a bar. another man walks up to him and says "Excuse me mate, I just wondered how come you've got an orange for a head?"
The man with an orange for a head says "We'll, it's quite a story, if you buy me a pint, I'll tell you."
So the man buys 2 pints and they settle down at the bar. "A few years ago I was travelling around North Africa and the Middle East." says the man with an orange for a head, "and I found myself in this little secluded back street bazaar. I was looking at the wares on offer when I saw an old fashioned oil burning lamp. It was a little dirty so I gave it a rub, and to my surprise a genie came out. "You may have 3 wishes, anything that your heart desires." said the genie. Well, I was quite taken aback, let me tell you."
"So what did you do?" asked the man in the bar.
"Well, the first thing I wished for was £20,000,000,000 in my bank account."
"And what happened?"
"I gave the stall holder a few coins, took the lamp and rushed to the nearest bank, found a cash machine, put my card in, and couldn't believe it. My balance didn't even fit on the screen it was so big. Since then I've bought the finest cars, beautiful houses, I've even got a castle. I can afford anything, it's amazing."
"Wow, unbelievable!" Exclaimed the man in the bar "What did you wish for second?"
"Second I wished for a harem of beautiful and willing women."
"And what happened?"
"Amazing, let me tell you. In each of my houses, and in my castle, are the most beautiful women. They are so eager to please me anytime, day or night. They do things I've never even dreamed of. Brilliant."
"Ok, that sounds pretty great" says the man in the bar "what did you wish for third?"
"Third I wished I had an orange for a head."
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An Irishman goes to the doctor's office and he says to the doctor "Top o' the morning Doc, I've got a little problem. It's a pain like, in me arse."
So the doctor says "Well we'd better have a look at it. Take your trousers and pants down."
After the patient assumes the position the doctor gets a rubber glove, some lubricant and starts to examine him. He can quickly feel something not quite right, and after a bit of fiddling he manages to extract a £20 note from the Irishman's bottom.
"Did you know you had a £20 note stuck up there?" He asks the man.
"No doc, I did not, to be sure. I do feel a little bit better, like, but still not quite right. Will you have another look for me?"
So the doctor gets back to work and sure enough he finds another £20 note, and then another. After about half an hour he finally cannot feel any more banknotes. He sits down to count the money as the man puts his clothes back on.
"So, how did you manage to get £1980 in used £20 notes into your bum?"
"I don't rightly know doc, but I knew I wasn't feeling too grand."
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A businessman is at the office. He was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help. "If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off? " he asked her. The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings. "
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An old American man gets off his plane in France. It was a very long trip, but he's finally glad to officially be on vacation. He gets to the French immigration desk, and he fumbles around for a few minutes to find his ticket.
"You have been to France before, Monsieur?" the desk worker asked sarcastically.
The old man admitted that he had in fact been to France before.
"Then you should know to have your ticket ready when you get to the desk." and then proceeded to say some nasty things about Americans.
The frustration rose in the old man's eyes and he finally said "Well, son, the last time I was in France was on D-Day in '44, and then I couldn't find any fucking Frenchmen to show my ticket to."
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What do brussels sprouts and anal s*x have in common?
If they were forced on you as a child, you're probably not too keen on them as an adult.
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Why was the little boy crying?
He had a frog stapled to his face.
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A koala wakes up next to a prostitute. The koala tries to sneak out of the motel room before the prostitute wakes up. As he opens the door, the protitute wakes up and says "where do you think you're going? You haven't paid me yet". The koala refuses to pay, so the protitute says "let's look in a dictionary for the definition of prostitute". The two proceed to look up the definition to find that it is 'someone who has sex for money'. The Koala then flips a few pages back to the definition of koala, then walks out of the room. Confused, the protitute looks down at the page. The dictionary says 'Koala: An animal who eats bushes and leaves'
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Three middle aged jewish men are sitting around one afternoon. The first one says, "Oy, I sent my son to Jerusalem and you'll never believe what he did. He came back as an atheist!" The second man says, "Oy, I sent my son to Jerusalem and you'll never believe what he did. He married a Christian!" The third man without missing a beat says, "Oy, I sent my son to Jerusalem and you'll never believe what he did, he converted to Christianity!" All of a sudden they hear the voice of God and He says, "Oy, that's nothing! I sent my son to Jerusalem and you'll never believe what he did..."
So I hope you guys enjoy the jokes I copy and pasted! :D
Scaru asks Lumatic “why don’t you post today?”
Lumatic says “read may 999th post but you won’t like the answer, sounds like a chikcadee”
Scaru says “how does it sound like a chikcadee? ”
Lumatic replies ” I’m CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP”
Take that 999 
I’m just foolen, Merry Christmas all of you
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)
"I kicked her in the face."
A few years back, three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an american are all walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. 'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',
Says the Genie.
The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ' POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming. Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians Can come into our precious land.' POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries. The American says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.' The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.' The American sits down on his Harley , cracks a beer, lights a cigarette, Smiles and says, 'Fill the f*cker with water.'
See what happens when Blf members pack too many lights on a camping trip …
At least they were prepared
Rabbi Cohen and Rabbi Goldstein were having dinner at a Chinese restaurant. After dinner while they were having dessert, Rabbi Cohen wondered aloud, “I’ve been thinking this while we’re having dinner and I can’t get it off my mind.”
“Well, what’s on your mind?” asked Rabbi Goldstein.
“Well, I’ve been thinking if there are any Jews living in China these days,” said Rabbi Cohen.
“Why don’t you ask the waiter over there?” asked Rabbi Goldstein as he waved for the waiter to come over.
When the waiter approached their table, Rabbi Cohen asked, “Do you have any Chinese Jews?”
The waiter thought for awhile and said, “I am not sure. Let me check first.” The waiter then bowed and headed for the kitchen.
Rabbi Goldstein said, “I’m sure there are Jews in China because our people have been scattered all over the world.”
When the waiter came back, he was shaking his head and said, “So sorry, no Chinese Jews.”
“Are you sure?” Rabbi Cohen asked the waiter. “Can you ask your manager just to be sure?”
The waiter sighed and said, “Okay.” So he bowed and went to ask the restaurant manager.
Again Rabbi Goldstein said, “I’m sure the manager would know something about Jews in China.”
However, when the waiter returned to the rabbis, he said, “Like I said before, we have no Chinese Jews.”
This time, Rabbi Goldstein asked, “Are you really sure?”
“Of course I’m sure,” replied the waiter in an exasperated voice. “We have apple Jews, orange Jews, grape Jews, pineapple Jews, but no Chinese Jews!”
cracks me up every time.....
A woman had a pet talking parrot that she kept just inside the front door.
One day, she had a problem and called a plumber to fix it. Then an emergency came up and she had to leave the house before the plumber arrived.
A bit later the plumber arrived and rang the doorbell.
Parrot (in high pitched parrot voice): “Whooo is it?”
Plumber: “It’s the plumber.”
Now all is quiet, no door opening, nothing.
The plumber rings the bell again.
Parrot: “Whooo is it?”
Plumber: “It’s the plumber!” a little frustrated this time.
Again, no door opening, nothing.
This happened three more times. Finally the plumber got so frustrated that he had a heart attack and went unconscious on the front porch. The woman came home with a friend and saw this man passed out on her porch.
She said: “Who is it?”
Parrot: “It’s the plumber.”
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator.
I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
By the time you learn the rules of life, you're too old to play the game.
Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.
We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour
We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.
I have all the money I'll ever need - if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.
The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
Lite: the new way to spell "Light," now with 20% fewer letters!
An old ladies husband dies and she's taking it kind of hard So the pastor buys her a parrot and tells her to say "birdy birdy" to him and he'll talk your ear off ,and be a lot of company..
He calls her the next day to see how she is and asks how's her new pet ? She said "I said birdy birdy " but he doesn't say a thing back ...So he told her to go to the pet store and get him a little swing he can swing on and say birdy birdy " and he'll talk your ear off ..
Next day the lady calls him and says to the pastor . I say "birdy birdy and he swings on his swing but he doesn't say nothin'....OK The pastor said " go and get a tiny mirror for him at the pet store and say birdy birdy and he'll look at himself and swing and swing and talk your ear off .
the next day the lady calls the pastor and says ..."he's not saying a word "...get him a set of beads they love that... he'll sit on his swing and swing and swing and look at himself ,peck at his beads .you can talk to him and say birdy birdy and He'll talk your ear off ..
the next day the lady calls the pastor and says "he was swnging on his lil swing and I said birdy birdy and he was looking at himself and pecking on the beads and suddenly he fell over dead ..
What !! the pastor exclaimed ..Dead..?? So he never said a word ??
Well.. right before he died he did say ....
"Lady are you seriously telling me they don't sell bird food at that pet store ?"
This thread is soooo long. Apologies if this or something similar has already been posted.
A guy is sitting quietly in an outback roadhouse enjoying a beer.
There's a huge roar outside as a bunch of bikies turn up and burst into the bar. One huge big bikie strolls over to the bar, grabs the man's glass and downs it in one gulp.
The guy says nothing and orders another beer.
The barman brings him another beer but before he can take a sip, a second bikie sidles up and drops a cigarette butt in it.
Saying nothing, the guy gets up a walks outside without a word. There are sounds of a truck engine starting up.
The first bikie turns to the barman lauging and says "Geez, he's not much of a man is he!"
The barman, straight-faced says "I guess not, but then he's not much of a driver either. He's just backed his truck over 18 Harleys"
Do you know how 2 beans greet each other when they meet on the street?
How’ve you been?
A young nun joins a special order where they the only allowed to speak two words per year.
At the end of her first year, the mother superior calls her in and asks her if she has decided on the two words she wishes to utter.
"Hard bed" replies the novice.
"Why that's terrible" replies the older nun. "You must have been so uncomfortable. We will make sure to attend to that immediately."
At the end of the second year, the process is repeated and once again the young nun is asked if she has anything to say.
"Cold food" comes the terse reply. Again the older nun is mortified and promises to have the kitchen pay more attention to the food.
At the end of the third year, another two words are permitted. The young novice says "Poor company."
Finally, after four long years, the young nun once more stands before the mother superior. When asked what two words she would like to say, she replies with "I quit."
"Well..." says the mother superior in a huff, "I'm really not surprised to hear that sister. After all, you've done nothing since you joined us except bitch, bitch, bitch."
My wife shared this joke; and you might guess why . . .
“When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, ”It’s no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.”
Thats a good one !
Now of us are immune. We’re all just a whim away from singing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”, just a whim away, a whim away. a whim away…………
Two friends talking.
Friend 1: I’ve got some good news and some bad news.
Friend 2: Good news first.
Friend 1: The bill collectors have stopped calling me.
Friend 2: And the bad news?
Friend 1: They shut off my phone.
KTVU Flight 214 crash reporting Fail
*groans!
