He was charged with a violation of the penal code—but the evidence wouldn’t stand up in court.
Jesus was walking outside the gates of heaven and he sees an old man sitting on a bench…
He approaches the old man and asks… “good sir, why have you not entered heaven yet?”
The old man replies “I’m waiting for my son, he should be along soon.”
Jesus thinks for a second and asks “will you tell me of your son? Maybe I know of him.”
The old man sighs and says “Sadly, we lost touch when he was young… I know he was a carpenter like I was, I know he was quite famous and people followed him around. People told stories about him. They wrote a book about him and there was even talk of miracles…”
Jesus stood stunned… carpenter? miracles?.. He looked at the old man as tears swelled in his eyes…
“Dad?”
The old man rose slowly, tears running down his cheeks as he held out his arms and said
“Pinocchio?
3-pack:
1. Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards….Creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
2. I got the terrible news that Dad was pronounced dead. Can’t believe I’ve been saying it wrong this whole time.
3. What do you call a pair of identical boobs? Identitties.
Might be a repost:
Mouseover text: Her daughter is named Help I’m trapped in a driver’s license factory.
Good catch @CRC2, 
Years ago i worked with an old EE guy and everything was a double entendre with him. Only a EE like that could talk about big loads and stiffness and siemens with a straight face.
When building a circuit board, he wanted his power supplies stiffer than a wedding di*k, meaning add capacitance on the output side to filter and hold it up under a big load.
Been there. It exists.
I knew a girl in high school with the last name of Seaman.
She was quite attractive.
My last name is difficult to pronounce, even for our family, but we could have a much worse last name.
Raccoon Csteboke?
You win the internet! 
A really nice and well-tempered girl back then (high school). Unfortunately named ‘Iness’. Well, that made for many rhymes and limericks.
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and “the Amazing Claude” was topping the bill.
People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced,
“Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.”
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
“I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch.
It’s been in my family for six generations.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
“Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch…”
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
“SH#T”
said the Hypnotist…
It took three weeks to clean and disinfect the Senior Center
All the Best,
Jeff
since we can post pics….
here is a sign off the interstate.
please note the last two listings.
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem.
We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in,” says the man.
“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up.
What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”
“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the senator.
“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.
In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress.
They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises…
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
“Now it’s time to visit heaven.”
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers:
Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
I don’t understand,” stammers the senator.
Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?
The devil looks at him, smiles and says,
“Yesterday we were campaigning…… Today you voted
All the Best,
Jeff
Is this a joke?
Nightmare fuel! Waiting for a shipment right now myself. It’s been “in transit” for 15 days so far and hasn’t even left China. FML
You bring it up by messaging the merchant. Assuming it took 4 days till it was returned, you’ll have to wait as much before AX/BG/FT acknowledges a return. Even then, their shipping department doesn’t communicate with orders fulfillment.
Damaged package, improper paperwork (manifesto not legible or erroneous), duties not paid (usually when out sorting), or anything.
P.S. You should open a new thread as this is a humour page, not about someone’s mishaps.
I ordered some lanterns from Sofirnlight.com
They're supposed to ship from Canada, but the shipping company is Yanwen, so I thought it was shipping from China!
The lanterns showed up in Compton, California so quickly (on April 2nd), I think they must have shipped from Canada or the U.S.
USPS hasn't picked them up yet, but at least they're in Southern California. 