The Daily Joke Thread

Off-topic Chatter
2301

Yep, I got Propofol and my older sister did too.

She told me that the sleep that I would get from Propofol would be amazing.

I just remember waking up and don't remember the sleeping part, but it's better than the alternative.

...

A former U.S. president got a colonoscopy while in office.

I think he didn't want his vice president to be president for approximately 45 minutes because he chose to do it while conscious and without anesthesia!

(I would insert a joke here, but someone might get offended, and I don't want anyone to get butthurt.)

2302

By the way, I think that's an original joke as well.

The part about a former U.S. president is real, and many jokes have been told about it, but I don't think I had heard my punchline before I typed it.

2303

Wonder if that’s what a cow-orker got when having some wisdom-teef extracted.

He said he got it and was waiting to pass out, and then he’s asking when are they gonna start, but they already did it. He’s insisting they’re punking him and to get on with it, but then when he realises his mouf’s all drooly or whatever, that yeah, they did.

The stuff’s better’n roofies…

2304

Yeah, Propofol is pretty cool.

I wish I could fall asleep immediately every night right when I wanted to, like when taking Propofol.

Of course, the stuff is extremely dangerous and you have to be supervised by an expert so that you don't accidentally die, so Propofol isn't that convenient.

2305

The stuff I get for prep is called GoLightly.
Man, is that a contradiction in terms.
Yeah, it’s lemon/lime flavored.
But after the first gulp, your body says.
“You idiot! You are drinking lime flavored POISON!”

Sitting on the john, with a barf bag (just in case things decide to take an alternate route).
What a fun way to spend the evening.
At least they have done away with the morning self administered enema.

First one I got many many years ago, I got asked if I wanted to watch.
They hit me with the pain killer and a mild dose of the happy juice.
Then I got to star in my own video.

I skipped the being awake part in later incursions.

Time before last, when the anesthetist was gearing up he asked if I was ready.
I said sure “Bring on the date rape drugs”
He froze in place for a moment, his face went pale, and got a funny look on his face.

My doc, who has a great sense of humor, busted out laughing, whilst the two aids gave nervous twitters.

Many doctors do have a sense of humor, but mostly keep it hidden around patients.
After all, they are only a giggle away from a malpractice suite.

The procedure is nothing, it’s the prep that kills!
Hope everything came out all right in the end….

All the Best,
Jeff

2306

ok.
long post.
here goes….

after my latest colonoscopy, the tech said i had a cardiac “event” in recovery.

he showed me the actual paper read-out roll, which looked like the old stock market ticker-tape.
as a result, i had to see a cardiologist. she applied a peel-off-the-back-and-stick-on recorder
that was placed on my chest. the device stayed on for two weeks after which i peeled it off,
put it in the return envelope provided, and mailed it. two weeks later was the consultation
with Sarah, the cardiologist. she showed me the “ticker-tape” and pointed out the high
points. “what happened on Tuesday night at 9 and Saturday afternoon at 2?” (since
those times spiked higher) well, it was February, and that was when i watched the
local college basketball games. my sister said i should have answered: sex.
but, based on the read-out, those events were unremarkable.

2307

Haha, basketball… Saw something about St Pete’s vs Purdue.

Ie, The Peacocks vs The Chickens.

2308

Meanwhile, we return your thread to it’s regularity scheduled programing…
Men cooking….

All the Best,
Jeff

2309

And this one just because it was too cool not to post…
Gives a whole new meaning to “A burning ring of fire”,

And a sign of our times…

All the Best,
Jeff

2310

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
————————————————————————————————————————
When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle.
It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
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If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
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Don’t assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
————————————————————————————————————————
A penny saved is a government oversight.
————————————————————————————————————————
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time,
but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

I’ve always had trouble with the 2nd part !
————————————————————————————————————————
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight.
By then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
———————————————————————————————————————-
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
PS, I do this way too often…
————————————————————————————————————————
He who hesitates is probably right.
————————————————————————————————————————
Did you ever notice:
The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ” XL.”
————————————————————————————————————————
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
————————————————————————————————————————
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
————————————————————————————————————————
The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
————————————————————————————————————————
There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.
For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.

2311

Joe was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches.
When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem.

“The good news is I can cure your headaches…
The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need — a new suit.”
He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like new suit.”
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see … size 44 long.”
Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years!”

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”
Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.”
The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see… 34 sleeve, and a 16 and a half neck.”
Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years!”

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about new shoes?”
Joe was on a roll and said, “Sure.”

The salesman eyed Joe’s feet and said, “Let’s see… 9 and a half.”
Joe was astonished, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years!”

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked,
“How about some new underwear?”

Joe thought for a second and said, “Sure.”
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said,
“Let’s see… size 36.”

Joe laughed,
“Ahh ha! I’ve got you! I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.”

The salesman shook his head,
“You can’t possibly wear a size 34.
Size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”

All the Best,
Jeff

2312

If we could harness all the energy of Congress, it would power an LED for 2 minutes.

2313


All the Best,
Jeff

2314

National Public Radio (NPR) in the US suggested in 2016 that the oldest recorded joke
is from Bronze Age Sumeria (an early Mesopotamian civilisation dating 3300-1200BC). The joke goes:
“What has never happened since time immemorial? A young wife has not farted on her husband’s lap.”

2315

I think I may have figured out the latest xkcd comic...

https://xkcd.com/2601/

If you click on the circle after following the above link, your browser should start reading off totally boring information.

I did not listen to the whole thing.

I think the comic is so terribly bad, that it must be an April Fool's joke.

2316

It’s stoopit. 9hr (!!) robovoice file ‘https://xkcd.com/2601/radio.mp3’ that’s attached to it.

No idea what’s the point, other than maybe “Hey, let’s do something so retarded and esoteric that people think we’re brilliant!”. (Ie, anyone who “questions it” must be some smoothbrain dullard who “just doesn’t get it”.)

“Haw-haw-haw! Didn’t you see what the robovoice was reciting? It’s Jumja code for a graphical calendar using normalised coordinates! Didn’t you even bother to transcribe all 9hrs of the audio? If you had, you would’ve known!”

I hate those people.

2317

Holy Crap! I was actually quite close! (Including “because you’re dumb” attitude, apparently, too.)

Full disclosure, I literally never hit xkvd unless someone sends me a link to a specific car2n telling me to look. Most of it, I just don’t think is very funny.

2318

What a horrible comic!

I didn't realize that some of his other comics are April Fool's "jokes" as well, but it makes sense now.

2319

As the author’s agent you should have a talk with him :stuck_out_tongue:

2320

Frank and Tom, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to
feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Frank didn’t show up. Tom didn’t think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Frank hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Tom really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Tom didn’t know where Frank lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Tom figured he had seen the last of Frank, but one day, Tom approached the park and — lo and behold! —there sat Frank! Tom was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, “For crying out loud
Frank, what in the world happened to you?”

Frank replied, “I have been in jail.”

“Jail?” cried Tom. “What in the world for?”

“Well,” Frank said, “you know Sue, that cute little blonde
Waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?”

“Yeah,” said Tom, “I remember her. What about her?”

“Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I
was so proud that when I got into court, I plead ”guilty”.
It was then the damned judge gave me 30 days for perjury.”
All the Best,
Jeffrey