The Daily Joke Thread

Off-topic Chatter
2241

Only heard of him, never saw.

2242

Clearly a use of extreme and unnecessary force! :open_mouth:

2243

I actually like to use a version of that whenever someone asks me for ID. I reply, ”I got no idee ’bout nuthin’!” before producing my license. It usually gets a decent chuckle.

When I’m delivering merchandise (books & gift items) during the winter months, as the customer takes it he/she will sometimes remark how cold the items are. I deadpan with sincerity, “We keep them chilled so they arrive fresh!”

2244

A blonde goes to an electronic store and asks the salesperson, pointing at the appliance “how much is this microwave for?”
The salesperson replies “Sorry we don’t sell to blondes.”

The blonde is angry and changes her attire and goes to the store the next day with brunette hair, she points to the appliance and asks the salesperson the same question, “How much is this microwave for?”
The salesperson gives her the same answer, “Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes.”

The blonde is furious and decides to become a redhead and put lots of makeup to hide her identity and goes to the store the next day and asks the same question to the salesperson and gets the same answer.

The blonde is now fed-up and decides to dress like a man.
Finally after a week she goes to the store thinking that dressing like a man and going to the store after a week will change the salesperson’s mind.
She goes in, points to the appliance and asks the salesperson, “how much is this microwave for?”
The salesperson replies back “Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes”.

The blonde gives up and asks the salesperson, “how do you know that I am a blonde?
I have changed my attire and looks many times and still you find out that I am a blonde, how?”
The salesperson replies, “This is not a microwave, it is a TV”

===
And now for something completely different…

2245

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.
Like many young men his age, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn’t seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whiskey.
4. A Playboy magazine.

’I’ll just hide behind the door,” the old preacher said to himself. “When he comes home from school today, I’ll see which object he picks up…”

“If it’s the Bible, he’s going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
”If he picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.
“But if he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
”And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he’s going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.”

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son’s foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.
With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired the magazine’s centerfold.

“Lord have mercy,” the old preacher disgustedly whispered.
“He’s gonna be just another dam politician.”

All the Best,
Jeff

2246

Don’t know if such is allowed here but just saw a good one worth sharing:

Zlnsky and Ptn are on the phone.

Zlnsky: Hey vova. Wanna hear a joke?

Ptn: Go ahead.

Zlnsky: Kyiv.

Ptn: …I Don’t get it.

Zlnsky: That’s right bxxch. You don’t.

2247

Here’s another one, which you may’ve heard before:

Jeff Bezos stumbled upon an oil lamp.
He picks it up. Genie appears!

Genie: OK! three wishes!

Jeff: …Fine. Name it.

2248

The Pope decides to take a cross-country tour across America, beginning in California and ending in New York.
Somewhere in the Mid-West, the Popemobile breaks down, and while it’s repaired, the Pope continued his journey with a limousine rental.

After a few hours, the limousine driver rolled down the glass partition, and spoke:
“I know I’m not supposed to talk to you, your holiness, or highness - I’m not even sure what to call you?”
“It’s okay, my son, say what you want to say.”

“Well, when they told me who I’d be driving, I was really thrilled.
It’s such an honor, and if there is anything I can do to make it a better trip, I’ll do my best to make sure it happens.”

The Pope thought for a while, then replied, “You know, before I became Pope, I really enjoyed driving.
I would drive for hours. But now, no one will allow me to drive anywhere.
Would you mind if we switched places and I can drive?”

The limousine driver agreed and the two switched places.

After a while, the Pope became relaxed, turned the radio on, hung his arm out the window, and just enjoyed cruising.
However, not aware of his increasing speed, he was soon pulled over by a motorcycle cop.

The cop walked up to the limousine, saw who was driving, said,
“Excuse me, your holiness, for a moment”, then returned to his bike and got on the radio.

“Chief, I think I have a problem. I believe I pulled over someone pretty important, and I’m not sure how to deal with it.”
The Chief responded: “Don’t tell me you pulled over a state representative again, Johnson?”

“No, I think this person is more important.”
“Not our Governor?!”

“No, I believe more important than the Governor.”
“Johnson, tell me you didn’t pull over a Presidential Motorcade.”

“No, they may be even more important than the President.”
“What? Really? Who’s more important than the President?”

“Hell if I know, but the Pope’s driving.”

All the Best,
Jeff

2249

Cracked me up, choked on my beverage.
And I’m not to forget the one of the talking dog. And the boy in custody court…

Keep them coming! You have a flair for bringing a mental image of commendable characters.

2250

2251

Aha! We have established that they can afford thin mints. Who knows what else they could buy? (slight flaw in a great sign)

2252

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

“We’re sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife,” said one trooper…
“Tell me! Did you find her?” Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other.One said,
“We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, “Give me the bad news first. ”
The trooper said, “I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in Kachemak Bay.”

“Oh my God!” exclaimed Wilkens sadly. Swallowing hard, he asked, “What’s the good news?”
The trooper continued, “When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch.”

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, “If that’s the good news, what’s the really great news?”
The trooper said,
“We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow!”

All the Best,
Jeff

2253

Bitcoin!

Here are some more signs

2254

You laugh, but in England (Near Chislehurst Caves in Kent) I really saw this

2255

I laugh becasue its true.
Getting old is not for the timid.

Some more signs

2256

Like and share this post!!!
:slight_smile:
All the Best,
Jeff

1 Thank
2257

A man and his friends are at the country club when the phone rings…
The man picks up the phone and says “Hi honey, how are you doing”
The woman says “Hello sweetie, I found some new shoes that cost $90, can I buy them?”
The man replies “Sure hon”
The woman then says “Also the new purse I wanted is here and cost $200, can I buy them?”
The man replies “Sure”
The woman then says “Also honey the new house I looked at is $480,000, can I have it?”
The man finally says “Offer them $400,000, if they don’t take it, offer another $50K more.”
The woman says “Thank you sweetie! You’re the best!” then hangs up.

The man looks at his shocked friends and asks
“Anyone know who’s phone this is?”

All the Best,
Jeff

2258

Saw this, couldn’t help myself….

2259

And just one more….
Purple Haze - All in my Ink….

2260

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!”
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly…Twenty two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask…Is everyone in this car ok?
These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asks.
“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer.
We just got off Route 119.”

All the Best,
Jeff