Naw, he doesn’t push it. Just knocks it off the desk.
The last of the signs (for now)
Bill, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the country club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25-year-old blonde on his arm.
She’s hanging on his every word. His buddies at the club are aghast.
They corner him and ask, “Bill how did you get the trophy girlfriend?”
Bill replies, “Girlfriend? She’s my wife!”
They’re stunned, but continue to inquire about Bill’s companion. “So, how did you persuade her to marry you?”
Bill says, “I lied about my age.”
His friends respond, “What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 50?”
Bill smiles and says,
“No, I told her I was 90.”
All the Best,
Jeff
PS Bort - Loved the Cat is not stuck photo.
Preppie chic to motorcycle lady:
Do these whitened teeth and make-up make me look like a mannequin?
Motorcycle lady:
Yes; does this motorcycle make my ass look fast?
The cost of feathers has risen, even down is up!
PRAYER FOR BOB
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers……….Brenda stood and walked to the podium.
She said, “I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Bob, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain poor Bob must have experienced.
“Bob was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Bob’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”
Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Bob.
“Now,” she announced in a quavering voice, “thank the Lord, Bob is out of the hospital, and the doctors say that, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”
All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, “I’m Bob”
The entire congregation held its breath!
“I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum.”
False Dichotomy
There are two types of dichotomy: False dichotomies, true dichotomies, and surprise trichotomies.
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.
His wife screams at him as his friend listens in.
“My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done,
I’m still in my pajamas and I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! What the
hell did you bring him home for??
“Because he’s thinking of getting married.”
Putin visits Estonia:
Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin".
"Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia".
"Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”
“Of course. What may I do for you?”
“Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer for my mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it.
Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”
“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”
“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”
“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”
“I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”
Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father.”
“Next”
All the Best,
Jeff
To show the relationship between humidity and mass of a falling object the prof asked the students to determine how tall the building across the street is; he provided each student a free hygrometer and a steel ball; after getting permission to close the street and get access to the roof each student proceeded to drop their balls and measure the time it took for their ball to hit bottom.
The next day they all turned in their answers on pages full of complicated equations; all had the correct answers, but the prof noticed that only one page had right answer on a blank page; he asked the student how he got the answer with no math; the student said “I knocked on the maintenance engineers door and asked; I’ll give you this hygrometer if you’’ll tell me how tall the building is”?
A Scientologist, a Catholic, and a Mormon are talking about their families.
The Scientologist jokes, “I’ve got 4 kids. One more and I’ll have a basketball team!”
The Catholic joins in and says, “Well I’ve got 10 kids, and one more I’ll have a football team!”.
The Mormon speaks up and deadpans. “I’ve got 17 wives. One more and I’ll have a golf course.”
Gives new meaning to “the back 9”…
Ew.
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies were OK.
The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate.
She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.
“What’s wrong?” Asked the mother.
“I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,” replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.
“Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out”
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears.
“Its okay” said the Mom, “I know what happened.
You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.”
“No,” said the boy,
“I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.”
All the Best,
Jeff
Good thing he wasn’t fooling around with his girlfriend… O.o
…or “a hole in one…” 