Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and then Complain About Our Pets —
The pets live here. You don’t.
If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That’s why it’s call "fur"niture.)
To you, our pets are just animals. To us, they are an adopted
son/daughter who happens to be hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak
clearly.
Dogs and cats are better than kids because:
---- they don’t ask for money all the time
---- they are easier to train
---- they usually come when called
---- they don’t hang out with drug-using friends
---- they don’t need a gazillion dollars for a college education, and
---- if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.
Men - Just saying…
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com!
There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years. It’s because you didn’t particularly like them in the first place!
Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: he’s mowing my lawn!
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged.
I have a better description for these kids: “lucky little bastards”.
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.
Here’s how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them?
Okay, we’re done.
Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that’s square, with a bigger label.
And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue.
Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to know in months. “27 months.”
“He’s two,” will do just fine.
He’s not a cheese, and I didn’t care in the first place.
A unicorn walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender, quite surprised to see a unicorn in the bar says, “That will be $7.50; and by the way, we’ve never seen a unicorn in here.”
The unicorn replies, “At $7.50 a beer, I can understand why.”
A lion walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do you have any jobs?”
The bartender shakes his head sadly and says, “No, sorry. Why don’t you try the circus?”
The lion replies, “Why would the circus need a bartender?”
I was in 2nd grade and even back then I knew our teacher was seriously hot. Wore skirts, had great long lean legs, had a great figure in general, “waiflike”, 'though dunno how tall 'cause back then at that age everybody was tall to me. Far from blonde, rather swarthy and exotic looking, darkest blackest shiniest hair I’ve ever seen.
I could understand if the teacher’s an uggo, or smelly, or just , but if Missiz Bean (Biehn? Behne? who knows) would’ve set her sights on me, I would’ve been willing clay in her hands.
On the other hand, if Sister Euthanasia or Sister Apocalyptica would’ve taken an interest in me In That Way, I think I would’ve spontaneously learned The Power Of The Mind and willed myself to death.
Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer?
No. Because they already have names.
hot teacher memory…7th grade…
first name Maybelline (why can’t you be true?).
her husband was “foolin’ around” with any other woman
that would stand still and she knew it but she had her own
“stud stable” which did not include school children.
A blind man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He asks the bartender if they’d like to hear a great ‘blond’ joke. The bartender says “You might not want to- I’m a blond. The girl on your left is a MMA champion and she’s a blond. The girl on your right is a powerlifter and she’s a blond too. Now are you sure you want to tell that joke?” The blind man says “Nah, I don’t feel like explaining the joke three times”
, but if Missiz Bean (Biehn? Behne? who knows) would’ve set her sights on me, I would’ve been willing clay in her hands.