"It turns out that saying "Oh, so THAT'S why they call it Boxing Day" is a good way to get punched a second time."
I just bought a book at IkeaâŚâŚ
DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER:
Moved to Wisconsin this fall. We heard that summers are fun and winter is beautiful. We think there is no more beautiful a place in the whole world!
December 8 - 6:00 PM It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic, we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea Iâve ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!
December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry- weâll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says weâll have so much snow by the end of winter, that Iâll never want to see snow again. I donât think thatâs possible. Bob is such a nice man, Iâm glad heâs our neighbor.
December 14 - Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to â20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didnât realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but Iâll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldnât huff and puff so.
December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wifeâs car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think thatâs silly. We arenât in Alaska, after all.
December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I shouldâve bought a wood stove, but wonât admit it to her. God! I hate it when sheâs right. I canât believe Iâm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20 - Electricityâs back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but. they said theyâre too busy playing hockey. I think theyâre lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and theyâre out. Might have another shipment in March. I think theyâre lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think heâs lying
.
December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and itâs so cold, it probably wonât melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob-who has a plow on his truck-for the rest of the winter, but he says heâs too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
December 23 - Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didnât she tell me to do that a month ago. She says she did but I think sheâs lying.
December 24 - 6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plow, Iâll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling, and then he comes down the streetâŚat a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where Iâve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presentsâŚbut I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.
December 25 - Merry fâing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think sheâs a fricking idiot. If I have to watch âItâs A Wonderful Lifeâ one more time, Iâm going to feed her through a chipper shredder.
December 26 - Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. Sheâs really getting on my nerves.
December 27 - Temperature dropped to â30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $4,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28 - Warmed up to above â20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. Thatâs the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.
December 31 - I set fire to whatâs left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8 - Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed ???
-Author Unknown
That was great even if I did see it coming I still got tears in my eyes from laughing, thank you.
I donât know why but it reminded me of this oldie
Recipe: Duck with whisky
Get yourself a duck of about 1.5 to 2kg, and two large bottles of Scottish whisky, bacon strips and a bottle of olive oil.
Put the bacon around the duck, and treat the inside with pepper and salt.
Preheat the oven for 10 minutes at 180 degrees Celcius.
Fill a large glass with whisky.
Drink the whisky while the oven is preheating.
Put the duck on a fireproof platter and fill out a second glass of whisky.
Drink out the second glass of whisky and put the duck in the oven.
After 20 minutes, put the oven to 200 degrees celsius and vill 2 glazzes of whisky.
Drink out the glazzes and pick ub the piecez of the first glazz
Fill anozzer half glazz and drinkit.
After halven our, open the ovven to cheq the duck.
Fetch the burninjury oindmend in the bathrthroom and pud it on the ubber zide of the lef thand.
Vill anozzer two glazzez of whiskey.
Open the ovven after the first glazz izz embdy and biggub the bladder.
Pud the oindmend on the inner zide o the righdhand.
Biggub the dug.
Biggub the dug again and use a towel to rrremovve the oindmend from the dug.
Degreaze th hand with visky and biggub the oindmend dube whisj is laying onthe ground.
Clean ub the brokan glazz and put the dug bag in the ovven.
Pig ub the dug and open the ovve firs.
Open the segond boddle of bisk and pud id straight ub again.
Get ub from the fllloorr and puz the bagon under ve cabined.
Geddub again and siddown aniwey.
Pud the boddle on the flooj.
Dring fromve boddle since the glazzez are borken or unreadjable.
Switch ovv the ovven, gloze your eyez, and ffffall over.
Isnât that how Julia Child use to do it?
I had to guugle it but I think you might be right
...
Good one, Boaz!
These have been around for a while, but are timeless.
Best Responses EVER Awards ⌠
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NUMBER 1:
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officerâs credibility.
Q: âOfficer â- did you see my client fleeing the scene?â
A: âNo, sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.â
Q: âOfficer, who provided this description?â
A: âThe officer who responded to the scene.â
Q: âA fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?â
A: âYes, sir. With my life.â
Q: âWith your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?â
A: âYes sir, we do!â
Q: âAnd do you have a locker in the room?â
A: âYes, sir, I do.â
Q: âAnd do you have a lock on your locker?â
A: âYes, sir.â
Q: âNow, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you feel it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?â
A: âYou see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.â
The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
The officer on the stand has been nominated for this yearâs âBest Comebackâ line â and we think heâll win.
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NUMBER 2:
Now We Know Why He Was a General -
In an interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.
His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.
The General said, âI believe that forgiving them is Godâs function.
OUR job is to arrange the meeting.â
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NUMBER 3:
Dana Perino (FOX News) describing an interview she recently had with a Navy SEAL. After discussing all the countries that he had been sent to, she asked if they had to learn several languages?
âOh, no maâam. We donât go there to talk.â
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NUMBER 4:
Conversation overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai.
Iranian Air Defense Site : âUnknown aircraft, you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.â
Aircraft: âThis is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.â
Air Defense Site: âYou are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace, we will launch interceptor aircraft!â
Aircraft: âThis is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 Fighter. Send âem up, Iâll wait !â
Air Defense Site : (⌠Total silence)
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A Final ThoughtâŚ
The guys at the golf course asked me to name an actress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.
I told them the one who knows how to fix elevators.
âŚIâm old, Iâm tired, and I have to pee a lot.
I decided to make a meme today that accurately depicts my BLF journey so far.
Some of you may even relate.
@ mattadoresâŚâŚ Thatâs good!! 
And yes⌠I can relate. 
.
Indeed.
âThat new light is amazing! I canât afford it⌠except, yeah, I guess Iâll have to eat just pasta with some butter for a few days. No sauce!â
Young pasta, maybe. :person_facepalming:
lol one of my favorite parts of this forum is how frequently I come across posts in new upcoming light threads that go something like:
And so much for only one big light this year
or
And just when I thought I was done buying lights this year
