Health Drink
You'd need to keep track of so many people! Would you use, like, Excel or something? Far too fancy for a simple country nanoenzyme developer like me.
Health Drink
You'd need to keep track of so many people! Would you use, like, Excel or something? Far too fancy for a simple country nanoenzyme developer like me.
A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The mortician asks the deceasedâs wife how she would like the body dressed.
He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the mortician a blank check and says, âI donât care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.â
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, âWhatever this cost, Iâm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and Iâm very grateful. How much did you spend?â
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. âThereâs no charge,â he says.
âNo, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!â the woman says.
âHonestly, maâam,â the mortician says, âIt cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husbandâs size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.
I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.
Then it was just a matter of switching the heads.â
All the Best,
Jeff
jeff51âŚ.my son LOVED that one.
you have made me a hero for a day.
thank you so much.
Ever since I was a child, Iâve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.
So I went to a Psychiatrist and told him Iâve got problems.
Every time I go to bed I think thereâs somebody under it.
Iâm scared.
I think Iâm going crazy.
âJust put yourself in my hands for one year,â said the psychiatrist.
âCome talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.â
âHow much do you charge?â
âEighty dollars per visit,â replied the doctor.
âIâll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you,â I said.
Six months later the Psychiatrist met me on the street.
âWhy didnât you come to see me about those fears you were having?â he asked.
âWell, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money!
A bartender cured me for $10.
I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV.â
âIs that so!â With a bit of an attitude he said,
âAnd how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?â
âHe told me to cut the legs off the bed â ainât nobody under there now!â
A blondeâs car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day
So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.
Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them
at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike
cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies
to approaching driversâŚ
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.
It wasnât very long before a police car arrives.
The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches her yelling,
âWhat is going on here?â
âMy car broke down, Officerâ says the woman, calmly.
âWell, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures
doing here by the road?!â asks the OfficerâŚ
âOh, those are my emergency flashers!â she replied.
Blondeâs Please do not be offended, I am (or once was Blond), Insert politically incorrect subject of your choice.
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to
their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he
caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and
he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back
pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and
looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and
bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and
began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw
blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and
stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head
and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, âYou were drunk again last night werenât you?â
Flynn said, âWhy you say such a mean thing?â
âWell,â Mary said, âit could be the open front door, it could be
the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops
of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot
eyes,
But mostlyâŚâŚItâs all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror
All the Best,
Jeff
In that veinâŚ
A yute walks into the clinic, âMy whole body hurts. It hurts everywhere I touch myself.â
Doctorâs almost amused, but takes it seriously for a while, âWhere does it hurt?â.
The yute presses on his forearm⌠âOwww.â
The yute presses on his abdomen⌠âOwww.â
The yute presses on his thigh⌠âOwww.â
The doctor grabs the yute⌠âDoes this hurt?â
âOWWWWW!â
âYour fingerâs broken.â
A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there
was a fortune to be made in horseâs, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.
At the local auction, however, the going price for a horse was so
high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured since he already had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise, the donkey came in third.
The next day the local paper carried this headline: âPastorâs Ass Showsâ.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race
again, and this time it won!
The local paper read: âPastorâs Ass Out Frontâ.
The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper read: âBishop Scratches Pastorâs Assâ.
The bishop was fit to be tied. He ordered the pastor to get rid of the
donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing the news, posted this headline the next day:
âNun Has Best Ass in Townâ
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of
the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.
The next day, the paper read: âNun Sells Ass For $10.00â.
After the bishop was revived, he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: âNun Announces Her Ass Is Wild and Freeâ.
The bishop was buried the next day
All the Best,
Jeff
A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:
âTo My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy.
I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter,
I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year-old secretary
at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please donât be upset - I shall be home before midnight.â
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
âMy Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old.
I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.
As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college.
I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael,
one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach.
He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math,
you will understand that we are in the same situation,
although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.â
On a hot summer day, a cowboy came riding into town on his horse with his dog following. He tied the horse and dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer.
About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree.
The cowboy said that it was his. The policeman said, âYour dog seems to be in heat.â The cowboy replies, âNo way dogâs in heat; sheâs cool cause I gotâim tied under the shade of the tree.â
The policeman says, âNo! you donât understand; your dog needs to be bred.â No wayâ, the cowboys says, âdog donât need bread, sheâs not hungry, cause I fed her beef jerky this morninâ.
Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; âNO! You donât seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex!â
The cowboy looks at him and says,
âGo ahead. I always wanted a police dog!â
All the Best,
Jeff
âF.Y.I., if youâre here to plunder the Earthâs natural resources, youâd better hurry.â
I'm tempted to put this in my signature...
EDIT:
Yep, now it's in my sig.
Three are going to be a huge number of pandemic memes coming
I love it
Man, I want the hoodie with that one on it!
I bet thereâd be a market for the converse, tooâŚ
â100% Antisocial, Still Not Vaccinatedâ
AgreedâŚ
An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor to have a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, âTake this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.â
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctorâs office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
âWell, doc, itâs like this â- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too. First with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezinâ it between her knees but still nothing.â
The doctor was shocked and said, âYou asked your neighbor?â
The old man replied, âYep, none of us could get the jar open.â
Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.
His assistant walked up to him and said,
âThis morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?â
The boss told her he knew heâd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up.
He then understood his assistantâs question about his âgarage doorâ
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, âWhen my garage door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?â
She smiled and said, âNo, I didnât. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tiresâŚ
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, âCrushed nuts?â
âNo,â he replied, âArthritisâ