The tourist had lost his way on a back road and stopped at the farmhouse to ask if he could be put up for the night. ‘Well, we’re a mite crowded, since there’s already someone in the spare room,’ replied the farmer. ‘But I guess you can stay if you don’t mind sharing the bed with a red haired schoolteacher.’
‘Look,’ said the tourist, ‘I want you to know I’m a gentleman.’
‘Well,’ mused the farmer, ‘as far as I can tell, so is the red haired schoolteacher.’
Can anyone recommend a few thousand books on hoarding?
….maybe twice
I lost a good friend and drinking buddy this past weekend .
He got his finger caught in a wedding ring .
A John propositions a hooker.
Hooker: For $200 I’ll do anything you want.
John: OK, paint my house.
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turned to the third mother. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered,
"Come on, Dick, let's go."
I heard that with his name Pierre.
One day an Indian boy was wondering how the chief comes up with everybody's name. He goes inside the chiefs’ teepee and asks, "Mighty Chief, how do you come up with our names?" The chief says, "Well, when I wake up in the morning, look outside and see an eagle flying, the next baby born is named Flying Eagle. One day I saw a deer running through the woods so I named the next baby born Running Deer".
The young boy looked confused and started scratching his head. The chief notices and asks,
"Why do you ask me these things Two Dogs F*****g?”
Here’s something funny. My wife told me the kids made me something for Christmas and I can open it early.
So this is what I get when i come home from work.
I think there is something lost in translation.
Are you saying that the unicorn in your house sharted?
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.” The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. “Well, doc, it’s like this—first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.” The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?” The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”
Want to hear a word i just made up ?
plagiarism
A crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to again take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her embarrassment she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large guy who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. The went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, “How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!” The guy smiled and drawled, “Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind’a figured we were friends.”
A teacher asks her class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Little Johnny says “I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day”. The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. “And you, Susie? ” the teacher asks. Susie says “I wanna be Johnny’s bitch.”
An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room said, “Yeah, right.”
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
“Make me one with everything,” says the Buddhist to the tofu hot dog vendor.
Then, after getting his tofu hot dog, the Buddhist hands the vendor a $20 bill.
The vendor takes the money and begins helping the next customer.
The Buddhist looks puzzled and asks the vendor, “Where is my change?”
The vendor replies, “Change comes from within.”
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It’s funny l enjoy this thread more than any other….
Apparently, Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon...
...and follow them up with, "Ah, I guess you had to be there."
At what age is it appropriate to tell my dogs they are adopted?