The Daily Joke Thread

ok.
long post.
here goes….

after my latest colonoscopy, the tech said i had a cardiac “event” in recovery.

he showed me the actual paper read-out roll, which looked like the old stock market ticker-tape.
as a result, i had to see a cardiologist. she applied a peel-off-the-back-and-stick-on recorder
that was placed on my chest. the device stayed on for two weeks after which i peeled it off,
put it in the return envelope provided, and mailed it. two weeks later was the consultation
with Sarah, the cardiologist. she showed me the “ticker-tape” and pointed out the high
points. “what happened on Tuesday night at 9 and Saturday afternoon at 2?” (since
those times spiked higher) well, it was February, and that was when i watched the
local college basketball games. my sister said i should have answered: sex.
but, based on the read-out, those events were unremarkable.

Haha, basketball… Saw something about St Pete’s vs Purdue.

Ie, The Peacocks vs The Chickens.

Meanwhile, we return your thread to it’s regularity scheduled programing…
Men cooking….

All the Best,
Jeff

And this one just because it was too cool not to post…
Gives a whole new meaning to “A burning ring of fire”,

And a sign of our times…

All the Best,
Jeff

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
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When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle.
It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
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If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
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Don’t assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
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A penny saved is a government oversight.
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The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time,
but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

I’ve always had trouble with the 2nd part !
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The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight.
By then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
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The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
PS, I do this way too often…
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He who hesitates is probably right.
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Did you ever notice:
The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ” XL.”
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If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
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If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
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The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
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There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.
For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.

Joe was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches.
When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem.

“The good news is I can cure your headaches…
The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need — a new suit.”
He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like new suit.”
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see … size 44 long.”
Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years!”

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”
Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.”
The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see… 34 sleeve, and a 16 and a half neck.”
Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years!”

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about new shoes?”
Joe was on a roll and said, “Sure.”

The salesman eyed Joe’s feet and said, “Let’s see… 9 and a half.”
Joe was astonished, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years!”

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked,
“How about some new underwear?”

Joe thought for a second and said, “Sure.”
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said,
“Let’s see… size 36.”

Joe laughed,
“Ahh ha! I’ve got you! I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.”

The salesman shook his head,
“You can’t possibly wear a size 34.
Size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”

All the Best,
Jeff

If we could harness all the energy of Congress, it would power an LED for 2 minutes.


All the Best,
Jeff

National Public Radio (NPR) in the US suggested in 2016 that the oldest recorded joke
is from Bronze Age Sumeria (an early Mesopotamian civilisation dating 3300-1200BC). The joke goes:
“What has never happened since time immemorial? A young wife has not farted on her husband’s lap.”

I think I may have figured out the latest xkcd comic...

https://xkcd.com/2601/

If you click on the circle after following the above link, your browser should start reading off totally boring information.

I did not listen to the whole thing.

I think the comic is so terribly bad, that it must be an April Fool's joke.

It’s stoopit. 9hr (!!) robovoice file ‘https://xkcd.com/2601/radio.mp3’ that’s attached to it.

No idea what’s the point, other than maybe “Hey, let’s do something so retarded and esoteric that people think we’re brilliant!”. (Ie, anyone who “questions it” must be some smoothbrain dullard who “just doesn’t get it”.)

“Haw-haw-haw! Didn’t you see what the robovoice was reciting? It’s Jumja code for a graphical calendar using normalised coordinates! Didn’t you even bother to transcribe all 9hrs of the audio? If you had, you would’ve known!”

I hate those people.

Holy Crap! I was actually quite close! (Including “because you’re dumb” attitude, apparently, too.)

Full disclosure, I literally never hit xkvd unless someone sends me a link to a specific car2n telling me to look. Most of it, I just don’t think is very funny.

What a horrible comic!

I didn't realize that some of his other comics are April Fool's "jokes" as well, but it makes sense now.

As the author’s agent you should have a talk with him :stuck_out_tongue:

Frank and Tom, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to
feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Frank didn’t show up. Tom didn’t think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Frank hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Tom really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Tom didn’t know where Frank lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Tom figured he had seen the last of Frank, but one day, Tom approached the park and — lo and behold! —there sat Frank! Tom was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, “For crying out loud
Frank, what in the world happened to you?”

Frank replied, “I have been in jail.”

“Jail?” cried Tom. “What in the world for?”

“Well,” Frank said, “you know Sue, that cute little blonde
Waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?”

“Yeah,” said Tom, “I remember her. What about her?”

“Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I
was so proud that when I got into court, I plead ”guilty”.
It was then the damned judge gave me 30 days for perjury.”
All the Best,
Jeffrey

After 70.
Note to self:
Do not sit of the floor without first devising a plan to get back up…
All the Best,
Jeff

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

“I’m sorry,” he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,
“but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday…”
“Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

All the Best,
Jeff

Meh, it’s Fox News. You know it is gonna be fake. :sunglasses:

The other day I was falsely accused of throwing Samsung 30Q batteries at people ...

all the charges were dropped