The Daily Joke Thread

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trooplewis
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Then there was the man who showed up at the psychiatrist's office wearing nothing at all, but completely wrapped in cellophane from head to toe.

The psychiatrist took one look at him and said...

 

 

 

 

 

"Well, I can see your nuts"

Rats, finally sold my 2010 509hp Mustang...now I can buy more lights!

Sold the red one too! Now guess what I drive, doing my penance for 500 hp commuters...

http://dreammustang.com/

http://i884.photobucket.com/albums/ac47/Ha

edc
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This is a true story

A bloke was kicked off an Australian Reality TV show (Masterchef) for cheating. When asked what is was like to be in "lockdown" 24 hrs a day without being able to watch TV, read newspapers or phone loved ones he said:

"Its like prison but without sex".

WTF.  That cracked me up and I have not forgotten it.

 

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vas
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A man is lying back in the dentist's chair preparing for some dental work. As the dentist leans towards him, drill at the ready, the patient reaches out and firmly grasps the dentist's testicles. He looks the dentist straight in the eye and say "We're not going to hurt each other, are we?".

GraveTrain
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Hear the one about the baby fur seal that walked into a club?

CEHepp
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What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

 

What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre

Zebralight S6330 – Zebralight SC600w – Zebralight SC52 – Zebralight SC51w – EagleTac D25A Ti 219 – 4Sevens Quark Turbo AA2 219 – FourSevens Preon PenLight -

vas
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A man walks into the doctor's office.

Doctor : What can I do for you, Sir?

Man: Well, I don't seem to have many friends.

Doctor: Why is that, do you think?

Man: I'm asking you, you ugly, bald four-eyed s%$&!

 

VFMaddict
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vas wrote:

A man walks into the doctor's office.

Doctor : What can I do for you, Sir?

Man: Well, I don't seem to have many friends.

Doctor: Why is that, do you think?

Man: I'm asking you, you ugly, bald four-eyed s%$&!

A CPF Moderator, probably.................Wink ...............Laughing

"You are making progress if each mistake you make is a new one."

Remember - Most great discoveries start with maki

raccoon city
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Here's a joke that's 16 years old...

What's healthier for you in the morning, coffee or OJ?

If you guessed coffee, you're right, because OJ will kill you.

peesmile

FlashPilot
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A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world" The woman says, "I'll miss you."

FlashPilot
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If inappropriate, let me know and I'll delete...


3 guys walk into a bar
The first guy says "I have got the smallest arm in the world"
The second guy "I have the smallest head in the world"
The third guy "I have got the smallest wiener in the world"
The 3 guys go to the Guinness World Records
The first guy comes back and says "I really do have the smallest arm in the world"
The second guy comes back and says "Amazing, I do have the smallest head in the world"
The third guy comes back angry " Who the heck is JUSTIN BEIBER?

mazda96hatch
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Location: Adelaide, South Australia

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..

They get back to his place,

And as he shows her around his apartment.

She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them.

And she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf,

And huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and after awhile, she finds herself thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips

He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds,

And he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom

Where they rip off each other’s clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion,

More creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy,

They are lying there together in the afterglow.


The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her,

Strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes,

And says:


'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

Noodles
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My life is a joke kinda goes like this

Knock, Knock.

Whose there?

Me

Who is is me?

Knock, Knock.

What? It's me open up

At this point I dun know who this is

Knock knock..

gimmie a minute...  I am  getting decent.

Your tool bag is your friend(hammer)

Knock, Knock...

Are you decent yEt?

yep opening now (long pause) one sec.

WTF. you are crazy.

Stop knocking on my door.

Tools rule. I know its not a joke, but it happens

The Giggle Loop

edc
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edc
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Have you ever wondered how a woman's brain works?
Well....it's finally explained here in one, easy-to-understand illustration:
FB14E856-0B03-4890-B06B-B3BEF4D9E70CB

Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something
That needs to be done, a decision or a problem that needs to be solved.

A man has only 2 balls and they take up all his thought

 

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JohnnyMac
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MY LAST TRIP TO SAM'S 
 
Yesterday I was  at my local SAM'S buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet,  Wally, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me  asked if I had a dog. 
  
What did she  think I had - an elephant? So since I'm retired and  have little to do,  on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the  Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in  the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an  intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in  both arms. 
  
I told her that  it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load  your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or  two          every time you  feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was  going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in  line was now enthralled with my story.) 
  
Horrified, she  asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned  me. 
I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's  ass and a car hit me. 
  
I thought the guy  behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. 
  
SAM'S won't  let  me shop there anymore. 

kaknut
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JohnnyMac wrote:


Horrified, she  asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned  me. 
I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's  ass and a car hit me. 
  
I thought the guy  behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. 
  
SAM'S won't  let  me shop there anymore. 

 

LOLOLOLOL.

I like nuts

tbenedict
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That's good JohnnyMac

 

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
 Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."
"The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did"
 Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he???"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth: "And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora...... The gardener did."

 
Wife: "So how much do you want?"  

kragmutt
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JohnnyMac wrote:

MY LAST TRIP TO SAM'S 
 
Yesterday I was  at my local SAM'S buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet,  Wally, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me  asked if I had a dog. 
  
What did she  think I had - an elephant? So since I'm retired and  have little to do,  on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the  Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in  the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an  intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in  both arms. 
  
I told her that  it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load  your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or  two          every time you  feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was  going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in  line was now enthralled with my story.) 
  
Horrified, she  asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned  me. 
I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's  ass and a car hit me. 
  
I thought the guy  behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. 
  
SAM'S won't  let  me shop there anymore. 

That's quite the impulse.

df2dot
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What ! Hilarious !!

r1derbike
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What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?

Full...

E1320
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Cowboy condom purchase...



Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS, PLEASE.

Cashier: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT, SIR?

Cowboy: NAH... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!!

I am already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

VFMaddict
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My wife thinks I'm financially naive and gullible.   I bet she changes her tune when she finds out I've won the Nigerian lottery.

"You are making progress if each mistake you make is a new one."

Remember - Most great discoveries start with maki

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Back during the days of the Soviet Union, it took 10 years to
 get a car after you paid for one.

 Once, a young guy went to the car dealership to order a car.
 He paid the money, and the asked when can he come and get the car.

 "It will be here, waiting for you, exactly 10 years from today".

 The man signed the papers, started walking away and then stooped,
 turned and asked the salesman: "Wait, will it be ready at the
 morning or at the afternnon".

 "What difference does it make?", asked the salesman.

 "Well", answered the man, "the plumber is coming in the morning".

 

A Russian schoolteacher asks her class for comments about Adam and Eve.
One girl replies that they are Russian.
The teacher asks the girl why she thinks this.
The girl replies, “They have no clothes, no food, and no shelter, but they think they’re in Paradise”.

A young couple was recently married and the wife was admiring
 the husband's very long eyelashes.  He told her that his
 mother had said that they were very long because he had cried
 so much when he was a child.

 "Better you should have peed more instead", the wife replied.

 

The Hokey Pokey
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for the family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in..... and then the trouble started.

       καὶ τὸ φῶς ἐν τῇ σκοτίᾳ φαίνει καὶ ἡ σκοτία αὐτὸ οὐ κατέλαβεν

                            

       Dc-fix diffuser film  >…  http://budgetlightforum.com/node/42208

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Blonde GUY joke
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again". If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.

The blonde opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.

"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."

       καὶ τὸ φῶς ἐν τῇ σκοτίᾳ φαίνει καὶ ἡ σκοτία αὐτὸ οὐ κατέλαβεν

                            

       Dc-fix diffuser film  >…  http://budgetlightforum.com/node/42208

Smelly
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VFMaddict wrote:

My wife thinks I'm financially naive and gullible.   I bet she changes her tune when she finds out I've won the Nigerian lottery.

 

Best one I've heard all day. Thank you for making me feel better!!!!!!!

 

EDIT

I'm still smiling.

Lensman
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"Waiter! Bring me a crocodile sandwich, and make it snappy!"

 

Patient: "My problem is, Doctor, that I just can't get a girlfriend and I don't understand why."   

Psychiatrist: "It's probably because you're such a fat slob."

Patient (shocked): "That's the most insulting diagnosis I've ever heard! I demand a second opinion!"

Psychiatrist: "Ok. You're an ugly *&#@ as well."

 

Q: How does Father Christmas know when he's at a lawyer's house?

A: There's a parking meter on the chimney...

fishinfool
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A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.

At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lived for ten more years, and then dies peacefully.

A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "WATCH THE GODDAMN WALL!"

 

Don wrote:

"But as I said long ago, you are more likely to be killed by a dead fish dropped by a seagull in the Sahara Desert than by a lithium ion

fishinfool
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A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money.

Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?" the man replied, "Yes sir, I did."

The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did."

 

 

Don wrote:

"But as I said long ago, you are more likely to be killed by a dead fish dropped by a seagull in the Sahara Desert than by a lithium ion

raccoon city
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Which famous book from the 1800s was co-written by employees of DinoDirect?

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Roget's Thesaurus.   Smile

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