The Daily Joke Thread

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ReManG
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I found out last week that I had slept with my third cousin….

She was way more fun in bed than the first two…

ALL of my links are non-affiliated for your pleasure...

My Reviews

Lithium Ion Battery Safety 101

 

raccoon city
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snow_white 

The Miller
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no (IMHO!) the combination of the pic and those nasty flashy creepy sig pics, sorry not funny Wink

raccoon city
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The Miller wrote:

nasty flashy creepy sig pics

Hey, I resemble that remark!  :CROWN:

Suncoaster
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Have you heard about the Dalek Egg timer ?

After 3 minutes it goes..

Eggs Terminate!

"In the land of the blond the one eyed man is king."

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raccoon city
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Bad boys, bad boys

Whatcha gonna do?

Whatcha gonna do when you have no rude?

unrude

})

hIKARInoob
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Negative 2 rudeness?

raccoon city
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hIKARInoob wrote:

Negative 2 rudeness?

Yeah, months ago I had -1 rudeness, and it eventually disappeared.

Now I have -2.

I have no idea why.

raccoon city
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Now I'm going to destroy any credibility I had by posting a doctored screenshot...

rude

:D

hIKARInoob
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… Looks like the T-virus is striking again…

cm64
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DB Custom wrote:
That jet powered elephant will never get off the ground, his ears are too small.

Maybe try African Elephant – bigger ears

SawMaster
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One which young folks may not understand. Go ask your Mom if this is you Silly

_Bag boys, Bag boys, what they gonna do?
Take your food to the car for you…
_
And some fun on YouTube:
Best Fidget Spinner Trick Ever

Phil

khas
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SawMaster wrote:

And some fun on YouTube:
Best Fidget Spinner Trick Ever

Phil

That’s the best trick I have ever seen with a Fidget Thumbs Up

dchomak
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What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope.

hamedshh
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Hi it seems that the joke sources are completely empty lol

God is the light of the heavens and the earth. A metaphor for His light is a niche in which there is a lamp placed in a glass. The glass is like a shining star which is lit from a blessed olive tree that is neither eastern nor western. Its oil almost lights up even though it has not been touched by the fire. It is light upon light. God guides to His light whomever He wants. God uses various metaphors. He has the knowledge of all things. (35)

hamedshh
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cm64 wrote:
DB Custom wrote:
That jet powered elephant will never get off the ground, his ears are too small.

Maybe try African Elephant – bigger ears


Or if we mount a spring on an elephant it will fly lol

God is the light of the heavens and the earth. A metaphor for His light is a niche in which there is a lamp placed in a glass. The glass is like a shining star which is lit from a blessed olive tree that is neither eastern nor western. Its oil almost lights up even though it has not been touched by the fire. It is light upon light. God guides to His light whomever He wants. God uses various metaphors. He has the knowledge of all things. (35)

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American scientist: “Back in the day, we spent millions of dollars to design an ink pen to work in zero gravity.”

Russian scientist: “We used a pencil.”

Lazy-R-us
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American Engineer, “actually Fisher (the pen company) spent the money developing the space pen. We took it to space for 6 bucks a pop. Given the fact that they are still selling them, I think they made a good investment. And by the way, having graphite pencil shavings floating around in an oxygen rich environment in zero gravity seems like a pretty bad idea. Ask the families of Gus Grissom, Ed White or Roger Chafee or anyone on the Apolo team what they think.”

Lazy-R-us

fnsooner
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Lol. Sorry about the historical inaccuracies. How about these.

A fisherman complains to his friend:
- Bloody neighbor! When I go fishing, he goes to my wife. When I stay at home, he checks my fishnets.

Rabinovich instructs his wife before the party:
- Don’t lay silver spoons on the table!
- Do you think the guests can steal them?
- No, I’m afraid they can recognize them!

The Miller
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heheh

.
.

A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft voice say, “Jesus is watching you”. Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search. Again the voice said “Jesus is watching you”. He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage.

He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot said, “yes.”

He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, “Moses.”

The burglar asked, “what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?”

The parrot said, “the same kind of people who would name their pitbull Jesus”.

hIKARInoob
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^^^ You know “Jesus is watching you” has a whole different meaning in a Mexican prison…

raccoon city
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officer_it_wasn't_me

}) 

Ronin42
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Jokes

An Illinois man left the cold streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida.
His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor, dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

(“It’s good that most people can’t remember their previous lives. Otherwise
things would be a lot more complicated than they already are.”
Ajaan Lee Dhammadharo)

Ronin42
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The Lawyer and the Federal Housing Authority
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA (Federal Housing Authority) loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.

After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter):

“Upon review of your letter adjoining your client’s loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin.”

The lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

“Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U. S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U. S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, she took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus’ expedition. Now the Pope, as I’m sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope … you find His original claim to be satisfactory.

Now, may we have our … loan?”

(“It’s good that most people can’t remember their previous lives. Otherwise
things would be a lot more complicated than they already are.”
Ajaan Lee Dhammadharo)

Ronin42
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In the Diner
Two lawyers entered the diner and ordered a couple of drinks. They then took sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat.
Seeing this, the angry owner went over to them and said, “Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!”
Shrugging their shoulders the lawyers exchanged sandwiches.

(“It’s good that most people can’t remember their previous lives. Otherwise
things would be a lot more complicated than they already are.”
Ajaan Lee Dhammadharo)

Ronin42
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A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house:
“Talking Dog For Sale.” He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.

You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the Lab replies.

“So, what’s your story?”

The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.” “But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

“Ten dollars.”

The guy says, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”

“Because he’s a liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff.”

(“It’s good that most people can’t remember their previous lives. Otherwise
things would be a lot more complicated than they already are.”
Ajaan Lee Dhammadharo)

raccoon city
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gaston

:)) 

hIKARInoob
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They just killed someone in a children’s cartoon? Really?

Suncoaster
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I once became a cat.

Don’t ask meow.

"In the land of the blond the one eyed man is king."

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MontyPyfon
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I used to be schizophrenic but now we’re OK.

To many flashlights, too many batteries. Wife is going to kill me Smile
Q8 (Still coming), S2+: 10, SRK style: 6, C8: 10, L2: 3,  L6: 2, Couri XM-L2: 1 LuckySun BLF SE: 3, EagleEye X6: 2   and lots more....

Monty

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