The Daily Joke Thread

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raccoon city
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count_to_pi 

xevious
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teacher
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These have been around for a while, but are timeless.

Best Responses EVER AwardsSmile
.

NUMBER 1:

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer’s credibility.

Q: ‘Officer —- did you see my client fleeing the scene?’

A: ‘No, sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.’

Q: ‘Officer, who provided this description?’

A: ‘The officer who responded to the scene.’

Q: ‘A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?’

A: ‘Yes, sir. With my life.’

Q: ‘With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?’

A: ‘Yes sir, we do!’

Q: ‘And do you have a locker in the room?’

A: ‘Yes, sir, I do.’

Q: ‘And do you have a lock on your locker?’

A: ‘Yes, sir.’

Q: ‘Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you feel it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?’

A: ‘You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.’

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year’s ‘Best Comeback’ line — and we think he’ll win.
.

NUMBER 2:

Now We Know Why He Was a General –

In an interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.

His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.
The General said, “I believe that forgiving them is God’s function.
OUR job is to arrange the meeting.”
.

NUMBER 3:

Dana Perino (FOX News) describing an interview she recently had with a Navy SEAL. After discussing all the countries that he had been sent to, she asked if they had to learn several languages?

“Oh, no ma’am. We don’t go there to talk.”
.

NUMBER 4:

Conversation overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai.

Iranian Air Defense Site : ‘Unknown aircraft, you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.’

Aircraft: ‘This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.’

Air Defense Site: ‘You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace, we will launch interceptor aircraft!’

Aircraft: ‘This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 Fighter. Send ‘em up, I’ll wait !’

Air Defense Site : (… Total silence)
.

A Final Thought…

The guys at the golf course asked me to name an actress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.

I told them the one who knows how to fix elevators.
…I’m old, I’m tired, and I have to pee a lot.

You never know how a horse will pull until you hook him up to a heavy load./"Bear" Bryant 

 .................................. "Slow is Smooth, Smooth is Fast" ...................................

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xevious
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mattadores
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I decided to make a meme today that accurately depicts my BLF journey so far.

Some of you may even relate.

teacher
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@ mattadores….. That’s good!! Thumbs Up And yes… I can relate. Facepalm
.
Cash

You never know how a horse will pull until you hook him up to a heavy load./"Bear" Bryant 

 .................................. "Slow is Smooth, Smooth is Fast" ...................................

       Texas Lumens Flashlights / M4D M4X Deals : sign up - save $$$$  

         Rudeness Level _ mΩ _ {width:70%} _ LightWiki _ LED Tint Chart  

      Xlamp size chart _ BatteryU _ Flashaholic? Need Professional Help???            TheOriginal _ TAB _ LightSearch _ BatterySearch _ 14500's _ DiCal 

 

                                             

xevious
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Indeed.

“That new light is amazing! I can’t afford it… except, yeah, I guess I’ll have to eat just pasta with some butter for a few days. No sauce!”

Lightbringer
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Young pasta, maybe. Facepalm

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mattadores
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lol one of my favorite parts of this forum is how frequently I come across posts in new upcoming light threads that go something like:

And so much for only one big light this year
or
And just when I thought I was done buying lights this year

Big Smile
raccoon city
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Why is Pedobear pulling out a pawful of cash?

Wait!  Don't answer that!

xevious
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raccoon city
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As a frequent user of Google Images, I thought this was hilarious!
...
"Right now it's a bicycle wheel, so we've had to move to lighter vehicles, but the reduced overhead is worth it. There was one week when a wheel of cheese got dangerously close to the first page, though."
xevious
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The Social Dynamics of Basic Math

raccoon city
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Adjusting a Chair

When I was looking at the box, I should have thought more about what "360 degrees of freedom" meant.

raccoon city
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Waiting for the But

Waiting for the But
Listen, I'm not a fan of the Spanish Inquisition OR predatory multi-level marketing schemes...
manithree
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The “Be positive” reminded me of this one:

raccoon city
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Appendicitis

Appendicitis

Fortunately, after a brief skirmish, I seem to have gained the upper hand in the battle against my internal organs, at least until they learn to read and find out the mean stuff I've said about them.

pietropetris
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Little Johnny was scared of the mosquitoes around him. He asked his father what to do.

“Just turn the light off, son, and they’ll go away”

He did so, and in the darkness, started to see fireflies.

“It didn’t work, dad! Now they’re coming with flashlights!”

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  Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver... Can’t believe I’ve spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it!

       καὶ τὸ φῶς ἐν τῇ σκοτίᾳ φαίνει καὶ ἡ σκοτία αὐτὸ οὐ κατέλαβεν

                            

       Dc-fix diffuser film  >…  http://budgetlightforum.com/node/42208

raccoon city
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Just in time for Mother's Day:

mom

raccoon city
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Alternate Histories

Alternate Histories
"So their universe wouldn't have the iconic photo of a screaming Truman being hoisted aloft by the newspaper-printing machinery..."
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I… don’t get it.

 

Anyhoo, “alternate history” that I do like:

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Man: before we go any further, we must agree upon which stopword we will use.
Woman: stop!

You are a flashaholic if you are forced to come out of the closet, to make room for more flashlights.

raccoon city
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Effects of High Altitude

If she'd lived in Flagstaff (elevation 6,903 feet), Cruella de Vil would only have needed 89 dalmatians for her coat.
xevious
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Look… it’s Moth Man!

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Henk4U2 wrote:
Man: before we go any further, we must agree upon which stopword we will use.
Woman: stop!

Haha but usually use another word Smile
raccoon city
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Swimming

Swimming
“You don't know how high above you the sky goes, but you're not freaking out about that." "Well, NOW I am!"
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Just remember that a shark big enough to tear you apart violently can swim in water up to your knees. Shocked

The Cycle of Goodness: “No one prospers without rendering benefit to others”
- The YKK Philosophy

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DavidEF wrote:
Just remember that a shark big enough to tear you apart violently can swim in water up to your knees. Shocked

But if all those so ripped apart would’ve had a Klarus flashlight with tactical strobe, they’d still be alive today.

09 F9 11 02 9D 74 E3 5B D8 41 56 C5 63 56 88 C0

xevious
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I like that xkcd touch of the little umbrella at the bottom and the octopus moving to check it out.

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