The Daily Joke Thread

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jeff51
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A cowboy from Texas stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain …
While sipping his beer, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter,
“What is that you just served?”
The waiter replied,
“Si senor, you have excellent taste!
Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull’s testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!”

The cowboy said,
“What the heck, bring me an order.”
The waiter replied,
“I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning.”
If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.’

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said,
“These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.”

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,
Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.

All the Best,
Jeff

raccoon city
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jeff51
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A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says,
“I’ll give each of you just one wish.”

“Me first! Me first!” says the admin. clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.”
Poof! She’s gone.

“Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone.

“OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

All the Best,
Jeff

Bwana
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A man is walking on the beach, he finds an old lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie appears.

He offers the man one wish. The man does not believe the genie and says -

When I pee, I want to pee the best tasting Tequlia in the world. The genie grants his wish

When he gets home, he says to his wife – get two glasses from the kitchen.

He tells her the story and pees in the glasses. They taste the tequila, and it is the best they ever had.

So ever night for the next two weeks when he gets home, he pees in two glasses and they drink the tequila

One night he comes home and his wife is waiting at the door with a glass in her hand.

He says, forget the glass, tonight you can drink from the bottle !

meeshu
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State trooper pulls over a car for failing to maintain its lane.

Driver gets out of the car.

Driver:  I've got a glass eye.

Trooper:  Which one?

Driver:  Both!

 

[Credit due to video on YouTube which showed this clip from troopers dash cam]

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Rexlion
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I tried to play frisbee with the neighbor’s dog.
.
But he isn’t flat enough to fly far.

== We save the planet from darkness ==

Bwana
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Three women were sitting on a park bench, quietly minding their own business.

Rexlion
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My buddy gave his wife a “get better soon” card.
.
She isn’t sick, but he’s positive she could do better.

== We save the planet from darkness ==

Rexlion
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If you don’t want to get a terminal illness, stay out of the airport.

== We save the planet from darkness ==

Rexlion
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Patient: “Doc, I keep thinking that I’m a goat.”
Doctor: “Hmmm? And how long have you been having this feeling?”
Patient: “Ever since I was a kid!”

== We save the planet from darkness ==

flashburn
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A couple is driving home saturday night.
Suddenly the woman on the front passenger seat says, “I don’t love you no more. I want to divorce”.
The husband is driving and doesn’t say a word.
She continues, “I’m gonna take the house, the dog, the car, the furniture.”
He begins pushing the gas pedal with countenance and without saying anything.
“I’m gonna take the boat, the bank account, the shares, your pension.”
The needle crosses 100.
“What’s up? Don’t you listen?”
With a smile of wisdom he is heading directly into a bridge pillar coming up.
“Did I forget something, something I’m not gonna have?”
“An air bag! I have one…”

flashburn
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A fully occupied air plane has to wait at line up for departure.
Cappy announces to passengers “Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, this is captain speaking. We are having a short delay here, but we are going to catch up en-route, so we’ll arrive in time, thanks and enjoy your flight. …[noise]… I’ll bang that blonde trolley dolly in the galley as soon as we’ve levelled off, your controls….”
The stewardess jumps off her seat and rushes to the cockpit door, intending to inform cappy of his little mishap.

An elderly woman shouts “Don’t rush it, we are still waiting for take off!”

flashburn
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A hunter on the mobile phone, calling emergency “hey, I’ve accidentally shot my friend, he is bleeding everywhere, moaning and suffering, we need an ambulance… but wait, he’s so silent now, I think he’s dead, oh my goodness I think he’s dead!”
“Calm down. First check your friend, make sure he’s really dead…”
“Ok. …[BAMM]… allrighty. He is really dead.”

flashburn
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Lab sign, yellow:
DON’T LOOK INTO LASER WITH THE REMAINING EYE

flashburn
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Famous last words:

“Is power turned off?…. ZOT

“This pipeline has been emptied… BOOM

“You wouldn’t dare this… BRACK

“I’ve overhauled the brakes…. SCHRONK

“These headlights are coming closer, aren’t…. FRATSCH

“These mushrooms aren’t poisonous… BURRP

“F@#k, I’ve forgotten the para…. CHRUTNZ

….

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So an elderly Italian man living alone in New Jersey wanted to plant his annual tomato garden,
but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year.
I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.
I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa.

A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden.
That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you!

Rexlion
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“Hey, why are you jumping up and down just now?”
“I took my meds, but I forgot to shake the bottle!”

== We save the planet from darkness ==

jeff51
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A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he come upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, “Are you ready to find Jesus?”
The drunk answers, “Yes, I am.”

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, “Brother, have you found Jesus?”
The drunk replies, “No, I haven’t found Jesus.”

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again,
“Have you found Jesus, my brother?”
The drunk again answers, “No, I haven’t found Jesus.”

By this time the preacher is at his wit’s end and dunks the drunk in the water again —-but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk,
“For the love of God, have you found Jesus?”

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and asks the preacher,
“Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

All the Best,
Jeff

jeff51
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Sidney Stratton
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That last one is so DAMN frustrating. We have fingerprint recognition, face ID and even retina scans, but they (the security freaks) ask for the most convoluted password.

azj
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(it helps to say this one out loud, or at least say it in your head….)

What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
.
.
.
.
.
.
DECALFENATED!

One Bulb to rule them all,
One Bulb to blind them,
One Bulb to bring them all,
and put the darkness behind them

jeff51
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Rodney Ds…
You know you’re ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn’t going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I asked my wife, ‘On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?’
She said, ‘You know I’m no good at fractions.’

With my doctor, I don’t get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy.
He said with a face like mine, I don’t need one.

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years.
I didn’t want to interrupt her.

I told my wife the truth.
I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist.
Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

My wife had her driver’s test the other day.
She got 8 out of 10.
The other 2 guys jumped clear.

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks.
The bartender asked me, “What’ll you have?”
I said, “Surprise me.”
He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

I tell you, with my doctor, I don’t get no respect.
I told him, “I’ve swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.”
He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

All the Best,
Jeff

turkeydance
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my favorite RD:

My doctor told me to watch my drinking.
Now I drink in front of a mirror.

Sidney Stratton
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Rodney Dangerfield – non-stop motor mouth. Had me laughing so hard my sides hurt.

Even when they were wheeling him to the OR, was making cracks about the outcome (can’t quite recall the lines – but they prophesied).

You’ll be remembered long, Rod.

Lightbringer
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Sidney Stratton wrote:
Rodney Dangerfield – non-stop motor mouth. Had me laughing so hard my sides hurt.

Even when they were wheeling him to the OR, was making cracks about the outcome (can’t quite recall the lines – but they prophesied).

You’ll be remembered long, Rod.

BTS is one of my fave comedy flicks. Rodney totally rocked it.

09 F9 11 02 9D 74 E3 5B D8 41 56 C5 63 56 88 C0

Sidney Stratton
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Here’s one Jeff could probably relate to:

When the office photocopies began to look faint, the office manager called in a local repair service.
The friendly technician after inspecting the equipment informed the manager that the machine was in need of a good cleaning. The tech suggested that someone might try reading the operator’s manual and perform the job themselves since it would cost $100 if he did the work.
Pleasantly surprised by his candour, the office manager asks “Does your boss know you are discouraging business?”
“Actually, my boss demands we explain this to all our customers”.
“After people try first to fix things themselves, we end up making much more money on repairs”.

Sidney Stratton
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On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.

He says “The female dormitory is prohibited for all male students, and the male dormitory is prohibited for the female students”.
Continuing further, he says “Anyone caught breaking this rule would be fined $50 the first time”.
“Anyone caught breaking this rule the second time would be fined $100”.
“Being caught the third time would incur a hefty fine of $200”.
“Are there any questions?”

At this, a male student in the crowd inquired “How much for a season pass?”

jeff51
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Oh yes Sidney,
$90 an hour for on site repairs.
$120 an hour if you fixed it first…
All the Best,
Jeff

azj
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jeff51 wrote:
Oh yes Sidney,
$90 an hour for on site repairs.
$120 an hour if you fixed it first…
All the Best,
Jeff

You forgot a couple;
$150 an hour if you watch while I fix it
$180 an hour if you watch and ask me questions

Smile

One Bulb to rule them all,
One Bulb to blind them,
One Bulb to bring them all,
and put the darkness behind them

jeff51
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azj wrote:
jeff51 wrote:
Oh yes Sidney,
$90 an hour for on site repairs.
$120 an hour if you fixed it first…
All the Best,
Jeff

You forgot a couple;
$150 an hour if you watch while I fix it
$180 an hour if you watch and ask me questions Smile
Evil
I had one guy ask me to teach him how to fix systems.
I was nearly too dumbfounded to come up with an answer.
I mean he wanted me to hire him then teach him 20 years of experience.
So then he could go out on his own.
Takes all kinds…
All the Best,
Jeff

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